Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 34: Bonus Episode 2
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Crazy McCain Supporter…..Kristen Wiig
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Hello, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories:
Last night marked the third and final debate between Joe Cool and Yosemite Sam.
With just nineteen days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted “We Are The Champions”, and shouted “I’m King of the World.”
Seth Meyers: Barack Obama has begun running campaign ads within video games, such as “Madden NFL ’09” and “Burnout”. Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside MRI machines.
A 20-year-old woman in Flint, Michigan has been painting Winnie the Pooh characters on the sides of vacant houses, in hopes of beautifying the economically-depressed area. Because nothing says “We’re back!” like the sight of a bear who can’t afford pants and his best friend, a depressed donkey.[ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the front of the set ]
Seth Meyers: Ohhhh, oh no. It’s that crazy lady from the McCain rally.
Amy Poehler: Oh, no…
Seth Meyers: Oh, no…
Crazy McCain Supporter: I gotta ask you a question. About Obama…
Seth Meyers: Well — now’s really not a good time…
Crazy McCain Supporter: I dough not…I can’t trust him. Obama.
Seth Meyers: Why — why can’t you trust Obama?
Crazy McCain Supporter: I read about him…and he’s a…he’s a…he’s a…he’s a Arab.
Seth Meyers: No. No, ma’am, he’s not an Arab.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh, ‘cuz I went to the liberry and had this little black girl help me look up Obama on the computer pages, and let me tell you…it says he cavorts with terriers.
Seth Meyers: With terriers? No, ma’am. No, he does not do that…
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Oh. Maybe I, uh, heard I read that…[ she wanders off ]
Amy Poehler: Public school officials in Chicago, Illinois are recommending approval of a “gay-friendly” high school, because harassment and violence are causing gay students to drop out at alarming rates. However, officials were surprised when they found out that that gay high school already exists. [ image: “High School Musical” logo ] [ the Crazy McCain Supporter wanders onto the back of the set ]
Amy Poehler: Uh oh, she’s back. She’s back. Ma’am, please sit down.
Crazy McCain Supporter: I got the proof that Obama, he’s a…he’s a muslin.
Amy Poehler: Obama is a muslin? No, ma’am. Muslin is a kind of fabric.
Crazy McCain Supporter: You know, he wasn’t born here…and he’s…he’s…he’s a Jer.
Amy Poehler: What? A Jer?
Crazy McCain Supporter: Yeah, he’s a big Jer. He’s Jerish.
Amy Poehler: Oh, you mean Jewish? Ma’am, no, he’s not Jewish.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Well, I do know he’s fifty percent Egyptan. And he’s gonna change the White House to a pyramid.
Amy Poehler: No, ma’am. No, he is not. No.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No? Obama…He wants all the weddings to be gay weddings and they have orgys.
Amy Poehler: Orgies? No ma’am. I don’t know where you’re getting this stuff…
Crazy McCain Supporter: And, uh, the stem stells…
Seth Meyers: I think she means stem cells.
Crazy McCain Supporter: No… [ she wanders off again ]
Seth Meyers: Crazy McCain Rally Lady, everybody!
More than 140 colleges across the country have completely banned smoking on campus, which is more than triple the number from a year ago. Still bucking the trend: The University of Winston-Salem Lights.
The Lake Champlain Regional Chamber of Commerce held the First Annual Giant Pumpkin Regatta Sunday, in which participants rowed giant pumpkins. So, yeah — I think America’s gonna be all right!
A miniature horse has been given a second chance for a career as a show horse, thanks to a prosthetic eye. When told about this incident, a race horse with a broken leg said, “What?!”
Seth Meyers: You know, uh, we can be a little bit negative at “Weekend Update”. So, in an effort to be positive about the debate that happened last night, we’d like to introduce a new segment we call ‘We Liked It’
You know, I liked that debate. I liked how the candidates didn’t answer certain questions and stuck to their talking points. And I liked how they kept talking about Joe the plumber. That guy got more shout outs than the Moms at the Source Awards.
Amy Poehler: You know what I liked, Seth? I liked how they talked about education because I think teachers are underpaid. But you know, who’s not underpaid? Plumbers. Plumbers are doing just fine. They are recession-proof. You might not buy a new car when the economy is down, but if your toilet’s backed up, you’re calling a plumber. America will put up with a lot, but we will not settle for being ankle-deep in our own poop.
Seth Meyers: And you know what else I like? I like how the candidates always thank the host school, even though we all know they have nothing better going on. I mean, it’s amazing to think that, what else were they going to do at Hofstra last night? I mean, was the a cappella group going to sing? I mean, it’s college football season we’re talking about Hofstra, for goodness sake!
Amy Poehler: You know what I like? I like how, in two debates, John McCain has compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. Aw, snap!
Seth Meyers: Yeah! Yeah!
Amy Poehler: Way to connect with the youth of the country with a Hoover reference. You got him good. But you know what? Why stop there? Hey young people, what about William Ayers? That guy is a regular Emma Goldman. You know, the anarchist who incited violence in the early 1900’s? Oh, you don’t know? That’s because your teachers get paid worse than plumbers!
Seth Meyers: And, John McCain: I like how you keep saying you wish there had been more town hall debates, even though you were not good at your town hall debate. You were lurching at people and walking around like you should have been wearing a hospital gown.
Amy Poehler: You know what else we like?
Together: Split screen!
Amy Poehler: We like split screens! We like how it seems like the other person doesn’t know they’re still on camera so they sigh and roll their eyes. But, Obama, you gotta stop smiling. You need a poker face. I know you have a full house, and the other guy’s going all-in… but you can’t start buying drinks for everyone.
Seth Meyers: And hey McCain, you also have to stop smiling — just in general. Trust me on that. I’ve seen more natural smiles on hounted hause — haunted house skeletons…
Amy Poehler: You want to give that one another try?
Seth Meyers: Haunted house skeletons!
Amy Poehler: There we go! But otherwise, we liked it.”
Seth Meyers: We liked it!
Amy Poehler: We still liked it!
Seth Meyers: We’ll be right back with more “Weekend Update”![ fade to commercial ] [ return to the newsdesk ]
Seth Meyers: Welcome back to “Weekend Update”!
Amy Poehler: Welcome back!
Seth Meyers: As Barack Obama gains momentum, some Democrats are worried about “The Bradley Effect” — a term named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, an African-American who lost the election for governor despite showing a significant lead in the polls. Here to comment, is the Reverend Jesse Jackson.”
Jesse Jackson: Greetings, Seth and Amy. Uh, the Bradley Effect is a reality that is both unavoidable AND… unequivocal. It is a phenomenon we all hope will not become… an Obama-non. According to a recent CNN/Yahoo poll, when voters were asked, “Would you elect an African-American president?” 87% responded “Yes”. But, when asked the follow-up question: “Really?”… that number dropped to 30%.
Seth Meyers: Well, most pundits estimate The Bradley Effect at around six percentage points. Do you think it could happen to Obama?
Jesse Jackson: Oh, most certainly. In fact, when I ran for President in 1984, the Bradley Effect cost me 43%. It was certainly not because I had no experience, had never held an elected office, or that I referred to New York… as “Hymietown”.
Seth Meyers: So you think that, despite the polls, some racism might come through when people get in the voting booth?
Jesse Jackson: Absolutely. There is often a disparity between what white people say… and what they do. They tell their black friends they enjoy hip-hop, but look at their CD collection… and all they have is a Tone-Loc album from 1987, and Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”.
Seth Meyers: But, obviously, Obama still has an excellent chance to win, right?
Jesse Jackson: Absolutely! For, tonight, in 2008, the dream of a black President is actual! And numerically factual! And realistically blacktual! Keep hope alive! And keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!
Seth Meyers: The Reverend Jesse Jackson everyone!
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! We’ll be right back!