Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
Russian Brides
Mr. Colon…..Will Forte
Vlad…..Bill Hader
Katya…..Megan Fox
Svetlana…..Fred Armisen
[ open on building exterior, Moscow, Russia ]
[ dissolve to interior room ]
Vlad: How have you found Russia so far, Mr. Colon?
Mr. Colon: Well, it’s a great country, Vlad, I’m having a heck of a time!
Vlad: Yes, yes… Now, let’s get down to business, shall we? You want to find a beautiful Russian bride to take back to America?
Mr. Colon: [ smiling ] That’s why I’m here!
Vlad: Yes. You narrowed down your selection to two women from our online database? [ Mr. ?? nods ] Are you ready to meet them in person, before you make your final choice?
Mr. Colon: [ excited ] Yes, please, I am SO ready!
Vlad: Alright. [ he calls out ] Katya! Svetlana!
[ two women enter the room, one a beautiful, slender model type, the other one little more than a man in a dress and wig ]
Mr. Colon: [ swooning ] I am instantly in love!
Vlad: I thought you might be. Now, before we go any further, I should tell you that Svetlana is slightly cheaper than Katya.
Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] How much cheaper?
Vlad: Ten dollars.
Mr. Colon: Oh… okay. This is going to be verrry, very hard. Uh, can they understand what we’re saying?
Vlad: No, not at all.
Mr. Colon: Alright, let’s see… [ thinking ] Hmm… Katya has a very beautiful face… she looks young and healthy, and clean…
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: [ to the point ] But Svetlana is ten dollars cheaper.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Svetlana. It looks like you pulled her out of a drain. Like a shower drain. You know, with hair and dirt and clumps of hardened shampoo.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Mildew, dead skin, just like the oils from the conditioner that have congealed and turned black inside the drain.
Vlad: [ annoyed ] Yes. I am familiar with this drain.
Mr. Colon: But… ten dollars cheaper. Ah, this is tough! I mean, would you mind asking them some questions for me?
Vlad: Yes. Not at all.
Mr. Colon: Katya! What are some of your interests?
[ Vlad translates to Katya, and she answers in Russian ]
Vlad: She says, “Sweing, pleasing my husband, and playing Fantas.”
Mr. Colon: And Svetlana?
[ Vlad translates to Svetlana, and she answers in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana has no interests.
Mr. Colon: And which one is cheaper, again?
Vlad: Svetlana.
Mr. Colon: Right. Svetlana. But ten dollars… So, Katya is $60,000, and Svetlana is $59,990.
Vlad: Exactly!
Mr. Colon: Damn! How am I ever going to choose?
Vlad: Perhaps you could ask the ladies to wink at you. Would that help?
Mr. Colon: [ he laughs ] It couldn’t hurt!
[ Vlad translates to the two women, and Katya answers in Russian ]
Vlad: Katya would also like to blow you kisses while she winks.
Mr. Colon: [ pleased ] Great!
[ Svetlana answers in Russian ]
Vlad: And Svetlana cannot wink, only blink.
[ Katya winks and blows a sultry kiss ]
[ Svetlana uses all of her might to blink both of her eyes together ]
Mr. Colon: [ impressed ] Wooooww! Wow! [ he catches his breath ] So, basically, it’s a choice between Katya… or this one and ten dollars.
Vlad: Yes.
Mr. Colon: Okay. Guilty pleasures?
[ Vlad translates to the two women: Katya answers in Russian as Svetlana pokes herself in the arm ]
Vlad: Katya: oral sex; Svetlana: heroin.
[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana would like to show her “talent” to you.
Mr. Colon: [ intrigued ] Oh! Great! I would love that!
[ Svetlana starts jerking her body awkwardly and sings Madonna’s “Into The Groove” ]
Mr. Colon: Hmmmm… still not convinced either way. One more question. Okay. Have either of them been married?
[ Vlad translates to the two women ]
Katya: Nyet!
Vlad: Katya: no.
[ Svetlana speaks in Russian ]
Vlad: Svetlana was married a long time… he was love of her life… Unfortunately, she suspected that he was cheating on her, so, in his sleep, she KILLED him with her fists… before she realized that it was her own lipstick she found on his neck… But it was far too late — he was dead.
Mr. Colon: Wow… I guess it’s pretty clear who the right choice for me is. [ anxxiously ] Which one is cheaper, again?
Everyone: Svetlana!!
[ cut to building exterior ]
Mr. Colon v/O: Oh! This is so HARD!
[ fade ]
