Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
Singles…..Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis, Jenny Slate,
Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott, Fred Armisen,
Emily Spivey, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte
[ open on sexy girl, Crystal, leaning across lips-shaped couch laughing on the telephone ]
Crystal: Ha ha! That was good flirting! [ she holds the phone down and addresses the camera in a vapid manner ] Hi. I’m Crystal. Despite my name and appearance, we mean for this commercial to take place in 2009. Why go out, when you can join the best party in town — right from your own bedroom. If you like to laugh, flirt, or maybe more: call live lounge. You’ll be connected instatly to thousands of local singles:[ cut to each weird singles pesonality type ]
* people who like excitement.
* people who like fun.
* people who are waiting to chat with you.[ return to Crystal on the couch ]
Crystal: But that’s not all. If you call live lounge, you’ll also meet:[ cut to each weird singles pesonality type ]
* people who are masturbating.
* people with extreme social disorders.
* foreign men who don’t understand how America works.
* groups of laughing teenage boys at sleepovers.
* women who want to be murdered.
* people who have been awake for so long they no longer have boundaries.
* wives who found this number on their husband’s phone bill.
* people who do that belt-choke sex thing.
* and David Duchovny.
Crystal: So call now, and you’ll be connected to ALL these great people. Who knows, maybe you’ll even hear from me.[ she returns the phone to her ear ]
Announcer: [ quickly ] You will not hear from her![ SUPER: “live lounge: 1-800-555-0199” ]
Announcer: [ with text scroll ] “Live Lounge is free for a fraction of a second and then becomes very expensive.”
Announcer: [ with text scroll ] “Live Lounge will be a recurring charge on your credit card. If you try to cancel Live Lounge, we will tell people you use Live Lounge.”
Announcer: [ with quick text scroll ] “Live Lounge is owned by the Russian Mafia.”