Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
An SNL Digital Short
[Opens with a shot of the city at night. Romantic piano plays. Cut to an elegant balcony/restaurant. A man and an extremely beautiful woman share a romantic dinner together]
Woman: So, you’re having a good time?
Man: [extremely shy] Yeah.
Woman: Wow, you have a really nice smile. You’re teeth are like…perfect.
Man: [shy, almost childlike] I’m gonna tell my dentist you said that. He’s really self-conscious and that’s gonna make him feel really good. You make me feel really good.
Woman: Well, the feeling’s mutual. Because you are making me feel real good right now too.
Man: I’m so glad.
Woman: So how long have you been a Swat Team Commander?
Man: A long time.
Woman: So how did you get outta work?
Man: I didn’t. I’m supposed to be in a drug bust and I bailed on it.
Woman: Oh, my God! Are you gonna get in trouble?
Man: I don’t care. Cause I like you.
Woman: I like you too.
Man: [softly] Yeah.
Woman: So, when you’re not doing Swat things, what other things do you like to do?
Man: I raise lambs.
Woman: You raise lambs?!
Man: I do. I raise lambs. I have a little pasture and I bottle feed them. And once they get to a certain age I, for a lack of a better term, slaughter them. And then sell their meats to restaurants and jerky distributors.
Woman: It must be really hard for you.
Man: [voice cracking, almost crying] It’s really hard. I love my lambs. I love them so much and it’s hard.
Woman: [touched] Sorry.
Man: [disturbingly sad] I have this nightmares. And then I wake up drenched in sweat. And then I got to go into work at Command Swat.
Woman: You are so brave. And I am so grateful that I have known you. And you will never, ever gonna be alone again.
Man: Are you asking me to marry you?
Woman:[loving smile] I think that I am. Yeah.
Man: No f…in’ way.[Man gets up and leaves the beautiful woman alone at the table] [screen goes black] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: waldo San Miguel