Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
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Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
…..Seth Meyers
Jean K. Jean…..Kenan Thompson
Judy Grimes…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: “Weekend Update” with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
After this week’s dramatic revelation that Iran has built a secret nuclear facility, one of the administration officials said of Iran that they have cheated three times and they have now been caught three times, which explains Ahmadinejad’s nickname: “Jon Gosselin of the Middle East.”
The G-20 summit was held this week in Pittsburgh. When asked, most Americans said they don’t really know what the G-20 is about, but said it probably has something to do with Gatorade.
While addressing the UN General Assembly, Wednesday, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi called President Obama “My son”, after which Glenn Beck’s new book just up and wrote itself.
During his address, Gadhafi renewed his call for Isratine, which would be one state made up of Israelis and Palestinians, or, as it’s known here, Queens.
Yeah! We figured it out.
Hopefully, his call for Isratine will be taken more seriously than his call for Afghanisfrance.
in an interview with Larry King, Michael Moore said that capitalism has proven that it is it has failed. King nodded, then asked him if he still kept in the touch with the rest of the cast of “Roseanne”.
A woman this week in Jakarta, Indonesia, gave birth to a 19.2 pound, two-foot long baby. I guess my only question is: A baby what?
The new mom said she was beside herself, but only because she was split in two.
Seth Meyers: This week, some of Europe’s most powerful nations came together with the U.S. for the G-20 summit. Here to comment is the top Def Jam comedian in France, Paris’ own Jean K. Jean.
Jean K. Jean: Bonjour, everybody! Bon to the jour, Seth. Hey, Seth — y’all got free health care for all your citizens yet? I’m just playin’!
Seth Meyers: Okay, Jean. So, France played a big role at this year’s G-20 summit.
Jean K. Jean: Oh, hell yeah, we did! I love the G-20 summit. That’s where we get to show the world how France DOES it, y’all! Nicholas Sarkozy shows up with Carla Bruni on his arm, and — BAM!! It’s three rivers of champagne flowing in Pittsburgh. You ever seen Carla Bruni? Man, it’s like Jay-Z said: Sarkozy got 99 problems, but the bitch ain’t, unh! I seen Sarkozy up in da club this week, making it rain Euros. Man, Sarkozy’s such a player, he makes Justin Timberlake look like Gerard Depardieu. Zuts alors! [ he jumps up and dances for a beat, then sits ] Incre-able!
Lots of protests outside the G-20 summit. It’s crazy, man. When I was growing up, if we was unruly like that, our mamas would beat us. Your mama would beat ya’ll, right? She’d pull out that belt. Y’all remember the belt? The chanel one? With the gold lame buckle? Man, she beat you so bad, your ass would be burning like the ovens at Au Bon Pain! Zuts alors! [ he jumps up again to dance, then sits ] Incre-able!
Speaking of international issues, you see what was popping at the UN this week, Seth? Lots of crazy ass speeches. We put Gadhafi on blast, though. You see how them diplomats walked out on him? Talking about how the U.S. and Europe are the terrorists. Bitch, take your ass back to your tent, and go back to spraying that jheri curl! You see Gadhafi’s jheri curl, Seth? It looks like his name should be Moammar DeBarge. Man, Gadhafi’s jheri curl is so greasy, brothers be using his hair drippings to fry up their pan crepes! Zuts alors! [ he jumps up to dance, as Seth moves with him ] Incre-able!
Zuts alors! I’m out!
Seth Meyers: Jean to the K to the Jean, everyone! Incre-able, as always! Always, incre-able.
A man in Texas, who was apparently upset after finding a soda can in his room, allegedly used a sword to cut two of his roommates. Boy, if there had only been some red flags with this guy. Oh, yeah — he owned a sword!
The New York State Department of Environmental Conservation is telling drivers to be sure to avoid moose on the roads as they enter mating season — as opposed to plowing your car right into the humping moose like you were planning on.
It was reported this week that a woman in Arkansas became pregnant with a baby boy two weeks after she learned she was already pregnant. Arkansas: where even being pregnant doesn’t stop you from getting pregnant.
A British store is launching a line of underpants for left-handed man to save them time in the bathroom. Let me save you some more time: No one uses the wiener slot.
Census statistics relased this week show that indiana’s Wayne County has the nation’s highest divorce rate, at 19%. Raising the question: What are the children of Wayne County doing to break up all those marriages?
Seth Meyers: It was good news for travelers this week, as some industry experts predicted that 2010 will be the year of the travel deal. Here to comment, prominent travel writer Judy Grimes.
[ Judy appears, staring tensely at the camera without speaking ]
Seth Meyers: Judy? Judy, are you okay?
Judy Grimes: [ in a funny voice ] Hiiiiiiii! [ in her normal, speedy voice ] Just kidding, I don’t say “Hi” like that — I say “Hi” like this: [ deeply ] Hi. Just kidding, that’s my man voice — Just kidding, it isn’t — this is my man voice: Hel-lo! Just kidding — it was the first one, but I never use it. Just kidding — I do, I do when I’m home alone and want to order food. Just kidding — I don’t eat. Just kidding — I do. Just kidding, just kidding… [ she blinks rapidly ]
Seth Meyers: Judy, um, you’ve appeared on the show several times now, and I’ve told you there is nothing to be nervous about.
Judy Grimes: I’m not nervous.
Seth Meyers: You’re not?
Judy Grimes: No. I’m not nervous at all. Just kidding — I am, but it’s all under control. Just kidding — it’s not under control, it’s under a bus. Just kidding — there’s no bus in here, but there’s one on the corner. Just kidding — there’s no bud. Just kidding — there is, and it comes at 10:00, 12:00, 2:00 and 4:30. Just kidding — it comes at 11:15, 2:30, 6:15, and 7:00. Just kidding — that’s not it, but the nighttime schedule is changing and it’s not out yet. Just kidding — it is out. it’s out on the town with its new girlfriend, I wonder where they’re going? Just kidding — schedules can’t have girlfriends. Just kidding — they can, I dated one. Just kidding — I did, but it didn’t work out. Just kidding — [ she blinks rapidly ]
Seth Meyers: Judy, listen — [ looking toward her lap ] what, what is that? what do you have down there?
Judy Grimes: It’s a chart. I brought it in case this happened…
Seth Meyers: Well, great! Okay, awesome! A chart. This will be helpful, okay. [ she holds up the homemade chart ] Do you have anything..? [ Judy pulls out a pointer ] Oh, good! Look at that, this is going to be great. You’re just going to walk us through it. [ she lengthens her pointer ] Don’t be nervous.
[ Judy hesitantly points her pointer to each incline on the chart ]
Judy Grimes: Just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — just kidding — I’m just kidding — Just kidding — Just kidding —
Seth Meyers: Judy! Judy, you can do this. Just tell us one travel tip.
Judy Grimes: American Airlines’ frequent flier program will give you 5,000 bonus miles just for signing up.
Seth Meyers: See? You did it! That was amazing!
Judy Grimes: Just kidding — that offer doesn’t exist. Just kidding — it’s for ladies. Just kidding — it’s for everyone but ladies. Just kidding — it’s not for anyone because I just made it up. Just kidding — it does exist, but it’s only for scientists. Just kidding — it’s for farmers. Just kidding — I’m a farmer. I’m a cherry farmer! Just kidding — I’m cherry scientist. Just kidding — I’m not, I study grapes. Just kidding — grapes study me, and I’ve seen the reports. Just kidding — I have, but they’re locked away. Just kidding — the grapes are locked away because I put them in jail. Just kidding — they were found innocent. Just kidding — they were guilty, and I was the judge. All rise for the Honorable Judy Grimes — bang, bang, bang! Just kidding — I’m not really a judge, but I do like to boogie. Just kidding — I don’t know how to boogie, but I can tell a good joke: Knock knock. Who’s there? Just kidding. Just kidding — I’m there! Can you let me in? I forgot my keys and my hands are full of groceries. Just kidding — my hands are free, but the door’s locked. John, are you home? Just kidding — I live alone, I’m nowhere near my house. Just kidding — I’m in my house right now. Just kidding — we live together. Just kidding — Can you please do your dishes? I’m not your maid. Just kidding — travel… just kidding.
Seth Meyers: Judy Grimes, everyone! Still so nervous!
In New York, nannies from Tibet are the most sought after caregivers for a family in the city. The second most sought after caregivers in New york City? Parents.
A former IBM employee who was fired for visiting an adult chat room while at work, is arguing that post traumatic stress stemming from vietnam had turned him into an internet sex addict. He said the hardest part was coming home from Vietnam and having to wait twenty years for the internet to be invented.
It was reported Sunday that Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov closed a deal giving him ownership of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets. Even worse, he plans to change the team’s name to the Nyets.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!
