Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 1
Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Get Ready
Friend’s Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Friend’s Voice…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on Megan Fox leaning against a basement washing machine, as her friend’s mom folds laundry ]
Announcer: [ with title SUPER ] And now, “Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Finish Getting Ready.”
Friend’s Mom: She should be down in a few minutes.
Megan Fox: Oh… thanks.
Friend’s Mom: Is it “Mee-gan”, or “Meg-an”, or –?
Megan Fox: It’s Megan.
Friend’s Mom: Oh. [she continues folding ] So you did, uh — you did the, uh — the movie, uh — “Transforms”?
Megan Fox: Oh, it’s actually called “Transformers.”
Friend’s Mom: Ohhh! Okay! I only saw the preview for it. Did it get made?
Megan Fox: It did. Yes.
Friend’s Mom: Congrats! I hear it’s a tough business. [ she points a finger ] So, you used to work in fashion shows, is that right?
Megan Fox: Uh, yeah — kind of. I mean, I did some catalog modeling when I was younger.
Friend’s Mom: Let me tell you — in college, I did a model show, just something for the local “out there” mall. There was this blouse I wanted to wear, that had pearl buttons, but they put me in a French turtleneck instead. Anyway, the show was cancelled ’cause someone brought a knife into the Macy’s, and Security made us evacuate. But… they didn’t ask for the turtleneck back — when God closes one door, he opens another. [ she continues folding a pair of shorts ] You want something to eat? I got a Sara Lee poundcake in the freezer, I can thaw that out.
Megan Fox: [ waving her off ] I’m okay, thank you.
Friend’s Mom: You sure? Thirsty? You want a glass of Slice?
Megan Fox: I’m good. I’m good, thanks.
Friend’s Mom: So… what kind of crowd you run around in?
Megan Fox: Uhhh — I don’t really go out that much, just ’cause I’m really busy. So, when I do have time for myself, I just want to be with, you know, close friends.
Friend’s Mom: Oh. I hear what you’re saying. Yeah. But make time for this: When I was a young woman, I had an opportunity to dance. I was at a music tryout for a redo of “West Side Story”, and I got partnered with — get this — Rick Moranis! Okay? Now, you have to remember: back then, he was no one. This was way before “Ghost Hunters”. So, anyway, after the audition, he asked me to come back to his place, and — let’s put it this way: I think I made the right decision!
Megan Fox: [ confused ] Wait a minute… Are you saying that you…?
Friend’s Mom: Yes! I could have made love to Rick Moranis. But I didn’t. I was dating my husband at the time, and now, however many years later, I still have no regrets. But, don’t worry: One day you’ll have your Rick Moranis moment. [ she continues folding her laundry ] What about you, you, uh — I hear you’re dating Jason Priestly, right?
Megan Fox: Uh — no. No.
Friend’s Mom: Are you sure? ‘Cuase I saw it on “Regis”. [ she shakes her head ] Are you sure I can’t get you a can of Slice?
Megan Fox: No, thank you! [ she laughs ]
Friend’s Mom: Okay. Oh, let me ask you this: In the movie you did, “The Transforms” — were the robot cars puppets, or CSI?
Megan Fox: They were CGI.
Friend’s Mom: You know what kind of movie you should do? This is just my opinion… but I love movies where the girl’s just been through a big break-up, and she swears off men and then she meets the man of her dreams, but she doesn’t know it’s him at first because she hates him… but it growws into love, and then at the end he screws up a little, but not enough to where he can’t redeem himself, but big enough to where they break up… and then he remembers she’s attending a dressy event, so he shows up, and, in front of everyone, he tells her: “I really do love you!” And everyone applauds, and he saiys, “I just, I got nervous!” [ she grins ] Yuo should do one of those movies.
Megan Fox: You know, I like those movies, too — romantic comedies.
Friend’s Mom: Yeah — ohhhh! You know who should play the man? Pierce Brosnan. His movies do very well.
Friend’s Voice: Megan, I’m done!
Megan Fox: Okay, coming!
Friend’s Mom: Hey, one more thing. If I could give you any advice, it would be this: Enjoy the journey, and I think you’re gonna be okay, kiddo.
Megan Fox: Thanks for the talk, Mrs. G.
Friend’s Mom: Any time, any time.[ Megan finally runs free, as her Friend’s mom lifts up a large pair of underwear ]
Friend’s Mom: Hey, whose are these? What?
Announcer: [ with title SUPER ] This has been “Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Finish Getting Ready.”[ fade ]