Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 2
Deep House Dish
DJ Dynasty Handbag…..Kenan Thompson
Miss Ice Tia…..Kristen Wiig
Danny McCooz…..Ryan Reynolds
[Techno music is playing in the background. MTV 4 logo appears]
Announcer Voice Over: You are watching MTV 4. The alternative to the alternative. 99% awesome… 100% of the time. Next up Deep House Dish.[Logo of Deep House Dish appears on screen. Logo Shatters and cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag dancing on a pedestal while TShane is sitting on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Welcome to Deep House Dish. The only show devoted to house music and dishing out the latest house and techno music stars. Alright! (Snaps fingers)[DJ Dynasty Handbag walks back to the couch and sits beside TShane]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: And Now! Here with our brand new segment on Deep House called rumour alert is my good friend and co-host TShane.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok TShane do your worst.[TShane grabs a hidden mic that was beside him]
TShane: Rumour Alert! (TShanes voice echoes in the studio)[TShane smiles and happy about the sound and outcome of the voice effect]
TShane: What pop diva told her band to quite eating Freetos on the tour bus?[TShane is waiting for someone to answer his question. Camera cuts back to both TShane and DJ Dynasty Handbag sitting on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well? Whats! Whats the answer?
TShane: Oh I dont know I just wanted to use the echo mic.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oooo weee TShane. You just emberrassed yourself in front of ervebody in our studio erea. OK?
TShane: Ball rat! (TShanes voice echoes in the studio)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Moving on. Our first guest is performing at club quarantine. It used to be a Dollar Treat beside Rickys beauty supply on Aferson Drive. Please put your hand me together for Miss Ice Tia.[Camera cuts to Miss Ice Tia ready to perform her song Not Good Enough.]
Miss Ice Tia: (sings)
I give you my best but my best wasnt good enough because my best isnt very good.
I shall be good but my good is oh so bad and not the bad that means good.
My good is bad and my bad is worse another person worse would be so very good for me. So so so very good for me.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh Oh wee Tia. Bring yourself over to me.[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Miss Ice Tia to sit beside him on the couch] [Miss Ice Tia site on the couch beside DJ Dynasty Handbag]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tia! Now you have touched so many peoples hearts with this song. What made you write it?
Miss Ice Tia: I wrote dthis because I have MAD low self esteem. So…I dont think anything of myself and I want to shout it from the roof tops.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I love how up front you are.
Miss Ice Tia: I will not accept that compliment I am a loser HOOLLA!!
TShane (with the echo mic:) HOOLLA!![TShanes voice echoes in the studio]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Next up. Turn your ears and your eyes towards Danny McCooz singing his hit songs Status Update.[Camera cuts to Danny McCooz between two female dances ready to sing Status Update] [Techno music plays while the two female dancers start to dance.]
Danny McCooz is…
Danny McCooz is…
Danny McCooz is heading to Cosco.
Danny McCooz is everybody chill.
Danny McCooz is happy its Friday.
Danny McCooz is keeping it real. “
Hid my status update.
Dont ignore my status update.
Danny McCooz is Molly Ringwold in the 16 Candles quiz.
Danny McCooz likes this.
Danny McCooz is…
DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHHH! OOHHH! Danny you sure is. You sure is. Now here sit down.[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Danny McCooz to sit beside him on the couch. Miss Ice Tia is no longer on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: And tell us how this song came about.
Danny McCooz: Well I just picked my most interesting facebook status moments and copied them down on paper. Then..uh… DJ friend of mine who owes me money for cocaine put beats to it. I am so blessed.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh you are. You are.. and so are we. Your facebook status should say Danny McCooz is a mega mega mega mega talent
Danny McCooz: It does.
TShane: Hey peeps! Rumor Alert. What DJ who hosts a house music talk show was seen shopping for Capri pants at Lane Bryant.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: They were for my sister!!
TShane: Then why did you try them on?
DJ Dynasty Handbag: My sister and I are built the same. Moving on… Oh my lord I am so excited. So excited. Please give it up. Two exciting entertainers performing together for the very first time. Lady Gaga and Madonna.[Camera cuts to Lady Gaga and Madonna ready to perform. Techno music starts to play.] [Lady Gaga and Madonna start to dance.]
Lady Gaga: (sings)
Watch me Work.
Whats wrong Madonna cant get into the groove
Lady Gaga: I got 5![Lady Gaga and Madonna stop dancing and turn to each other] [Madonna sings in Lady Gagas direction]
Looks like your wig needs a fix…
Lady Gaga: No No No.[Lady Gaga pushes Madonna away. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and TShane on the couch worried about the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]
Background singers: You are such a little bitch.
Lady Gaga: So So So.
Madonna: What the hell is a Disco stick?[Madonna reaches for Lady Gagas neck and starts to choke her.]
Lady Gaga: I think you know.[Lady Gaga reaches for Madonnas neck and starts to choke her. They start to fall to the ground. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and TShane on the couch]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! OOOOO Weeeee! Do not make me walk over there and tell you two all about yourself in front of ervybody in the view erea. Get over here.[The music stops to play. TShane has a worried expression on his face]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Stop it! Sit down on the…[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to fight while they walk towards the couch]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Sit on the….[Lady Gaga and Madonna flop on the couch.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know what?[DJ Dynasty Handbag stands up and sits between Lady Gaga and Madonna]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Im going to sit my little pooper between you two so you can behave.[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbags back and continues to fight with Madonna]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you to behave![Lady Gaga sits up. Madonna sneaks behind DJ Dynasty Handbags back and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head.]
Madonna: What did you say?
DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!!!
Lady Gaga: Well Well try. Hey! Guess what Madonna. Im totally hotter than you.
Madonna: Hey guess what.[Madonna stands up and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head]
Madonna: Im taller than you. What kind of name is Lady Gaga anyway? It sounds like baby food.[Madonna sits back down on the couch.]
Lady Gaga: The kind thats number one on the billboard charts.[Lady Gaga lunges herself towards Madonna over DJ Dynasty Handbag and continue to fight.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: HEY!!! I said behave Biatches!!![DJ Dynasty Handbag stops the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]
Madonna: (to DJ Dynasty Handbag:) Biatch! You need to stop interrupting us.
Lady Gaga: Yeah! Were Pop Icons. RESPECT!
Madonna: Respect![Lady Gaga and Madonna give each other a high five] [Camera cuts to TShane with a very scared expression on his face.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ah Well. TShane doesnt have as much professionality as me when it comes to his on Air Stress.[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbags back and continues to fight with Madonna]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Hey STOP. I want you two to kiss and make up.[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop fighting.]
Lady Gaga: Excellent.
Madonna: You made my ring come off.
Lady Gaga: Sorry:
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other.[Lady Gaga and Madonna lean in just in front of DJ Dynasty Handbags face to kiss. When Lady Gaga and Madonna are about 2 inches away from each other DJ Dynasty Handbag moves in between them and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag on the cheek.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: OH OH my goodness.[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to caress and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things.[Lady Gaga reaches over and pulls TShane to join in.]
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things. Well that all for Deep House Dish. Cya all.[Camera slowly zooms out and you seen TShane on top of Lady Gaga, Madonna and DJ Dynasty Handbag] [Logo of Deep House Dish appears] [Fade to Black]
Submitted by: Jubei Guy Kibagami