Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 2
Celebrity Family Feud
Richard Dawson…..Jason Sudeikis
Donny Osmond…..Ryan Reynolds
Marie Osmond…..Abby Elliott
Wayne Osmond…..Bobby Moynihan
Alan Osmond…..Fred Armisen
John Phillips…..Bill Hader
MacKenzie Phillps……Kristen Wiig
Genevieve Phillips…..Nasim Pedrad
Jeff Sessler…..Andy Samberg
[ open on dancing GSN logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching the Game Show Nwtwork. Probably because you’re home sick. And now, one from the archives — from 1981, it’s “Celebrity Family Feud”.[ dissolve to game show set, each family posed behind their podiums ]
Announcer: It’s time for… “Celebrity Family Feud”! Introducing the Osmond Family: Donnie Osmond! Marie Osmond! Wayne Osmond! And the other one!
And today, they’ll be playing against… The Phillips Family! John Phillips! MacKenzie Phillips! John’s wife, Genevieve! And MacKenzie’s husband, Jeff!
And here’s your host… Richard Dawson![ Richard Dawson swaggers from a corner of the set like he just stepped out of the limo, and blows kisses to both families ]
Richard Dawson: [ semi-slurring ] Hello, welcome to “Celebrity Family eud”. Don’t adjust your TV sets — you’re seeing stars![ the two celebrity familes laugh politely ]
Richard Dawson: First up to the podium: Donny and John. Let’s play the Feud, guys! [ Donny and John rush to the podium and shake hands ] Welcome, gentlemen! Welcome to the show! Donny, you’ve been a star for so long, since you were a little tyke. How do you stay so grounded?
Donny Osmond: Aw, geez — I guess, just spending time with my family.
Richard Dawson: Mmm-hmm. That’s real nice. John Phillips, same question.
John Phillips: Same answer: time with family. [ he turns to glance at MacKenzie ]
Richard Dawson: That’s delightful! That’s delightful! Let’s play the Feud! 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. The question: Things you keep for a long time? [ John buzzes in ] John!
John Phillips: Secrets!
Richard Dawson: Alright! Show me… Secrets![ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Sorry about that, Johnny. Donny, what do you say? Something you keep… for a long time.
Donny Osmond: Something my goofball little sister will never see… [ he turns to stare at Marie ] A wedding dress![ they laugh at each other ]
Richard Dawson: All right. A wedding dress![ Ding! Number One answer! ]
Richard Dawson: There you go! Nice one! Let’s go meet the Osmonds! [ he approaches the Osmonds’ podium ] All right! Marie, Marie… what’s new, my lovely? [ he kisses her ] How are ya’? How ya’ doing? You seem to be riding high.
Marie Osmond: We are, Richard! But you folks out there should know we’re riding high… on life!
Richard Dawson: [ clearly not interested ] Hmm… That’s fine.
John Phillips: [ interrupting ] Hey, Richard. I want to point out that we’re also high on life. Except, also, downers. And, also, wine! And, also, not life! [ he laughs, as MacKenzie gives a nervous smile ]
Richard Dawson: Quality jump-in from John Phillips. [ he glances at his card ] Marie… Things you keep for a long time.
Marie Osmond: Hmmm… growing up with this big baby… [ she acknowledges Donny ] I KNOW! BABY SHOES!![ The Osmonds applaud her answer ]
Richard Dawson: Show me Baby Shoes!
Richard Dawson: Awww! Sorry about that, Marie, sorry about that. Alright! Wayne Osmond! You’re up!
Wayne Osmond: POT HOLDERS!![ The Osmonds applaud his answer, as Dawson looks at Wayne like he’s an inbred idiot ]
Richard Dawson: It’s a BAD answer, kiddo! Bad answer! Show me Pot Holders![ “X X” ]
Richard Dawson: Not a surprise. Alright. [ he turns to Alan Osmond ] You![ Alan smiles stupidly, as “X X X” flashes without bothering to give him a chance ]
Richard Dawson: Okay! It’s all good! We’ll go over to the Phillips’ side! [ he steps over ] Hey there, MacKenzie, my dear. How ya’ doing? [ he leans over to kiss her ]
John Phillips: [ defensively ] He-e-e-eyy, careful now!
Richard Dawson: [ chuckling ] Uh-oh, watch out! A protective father!
John Phillips: [ nervously ] Yeahhh, something like that.
Richard Dawson: MacKenzie… A thing you keep for a long time.
MacKenzie Phillips: Diaries![ the other Phillips clap and yell “Good answer!” ]
John Phillips: Bad answer!
Richard Dawson: Alright. Okay. Show me… Diaries![ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Oh! That’s heartbreaking. That’s too bad. [ prematurely ending the round ] Now, let’s take a moment to meet the Phillips Family. John, I don’t have to ask you what your favorite day is — probably “Monday, Monday”, right?
John Phillips: [ laughs nervously ] That’s very good.
Richard Dawson: Alright. Thank you. And, MacKenzie, I guess you just like to take it “One Day at a Time”.
MacKenzie Phillips: [ chuckles nervously ] All the days kind of blend together, Richard.
Richard Dawson: [ laughs uproariously ] Like a FOG!! [ no reaction ] Alright… Marie, MacKenzie! Let’s get up here and play the Feud, shall we? [ Marie and MacKenzie rush to the podium and shake hands ] Alright! 100 people surveyed, five most popular answers on the board. Here’s the question: Things you do with your father.[ cut to nervous reaction from John Phillips ] [ meanwhile, both Marie and MacKenzie are hesitant to give an answer ]
Richard Dawson: Come on, ladies. Something you do with your dad. First thing that comes to your mind.
Marie Osmond: [ buzzes in ] Beg him to put your bozo brother up for adoption!!
Donny Osmond: Hey! You’re the bozo, so cram it, clown.
Richard Dawson: Wow… that’s your answer? [ he shakes his head ] No way in Hell it’s up there. Let’s try it. Show me “X”![ “X” ]
Richard Dawson: Yeah, there ya’ go! Big shock! Okay, great, that’s not there. Let’s see what we’ve got… Let’s go to the Phillips Family! Here we go! Moving over, moving over… Alright. Okay, Phillips’, here we go. Things you do with your father. Let’s start with… MacKenzie.
MacKenzie Phillips: [ hesitant ] Can I get back to you in thirty years?
Richard Dawson: Mmm. No dear, we need an answer now.
MacKenzie Phillips: In that case, I’m gonna say… Sports![ the family chants “Good answer!” ]
Richard Dawson: Alright. Show me… Sports!![ Ding! Number One answer! ]
Richard Dawson: Number One answer! Number One answer.
Jeff Sessler: Yeah! MacKenzie and her dad are always going off to play sports, and I’m like, “Can I come?” And they’re like, “No! We like to do sports, just the two of us, and also at a hotel!” [ he smiles stupidly ] [ Richard Dawson stares blankly at John ] [ the Osmonds stare across the set in horror ] [ the realization finally hits Richard Dawson ]
Richard Dawson: Ohhhhh! Oh, I got it. Okay, this episode’s over! [ to the camera ] Join us next week on the Feud![ both families crowd the center of the stage and dance to the closing music ]
Announcer: [ with graphic ] Stay tuned for “Celebrity Press Your Luck”, with guest Roman Polanski.[ fade ]