Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 2
[ open on footage of Spokesman enojying quality time spent with his dog ]
Spokesman V/O: You love your dog. And you cherish every moment you spend together — every fetch, every walk, every snuggle.[ cut to Spokesman shopping for dog food ]
Spokesman V/O: But, hey — you’ve got bills to pay! That’s why, when you’re in the pet food aisle, you reach for Mostly Garbage brand dog food. Because your dog isn’t a person; he’s an animal.[ cut to Spokesman in the kitchen with his dog ]
Spokesman: And in these tough economic times, you’ve gotta keep your priorities straight.
Spokesman V/O: Mostly Garbage is cheaper than other dog foods. [ Spokesman turns his nose at the smell ] So you can save your money for human things, like heat for your house, or food for your children.[ cut to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: So, what does Mostly Garbage taste like? I don’t know. I’ve never tried it. It’s dog food.[ cut to close-up of Spokesman pouring the dog food into a bowl, as scraps, pieces of plastic wrap, and a banana peel spill out ]
Spokesman V/O: So, how healthy is Mostly Garbage? Well, it’s fortified with 8 essential vitamins, including Riboflavin. But, you know, there’s also a lot of garbage in there. Long story short: It’s healthy enough for a dog.[ cut to the dog eating from the bowl of garbage ]
Spokesman V/O: You know, I’ve seen this little guy eat pure garbage?[ cut to Spokesman addressing the camera ]
Spokesman: Heck! This morning, he ate CAT POOP! Right out of the litter box! I was like, “Should I stop this?” But, you know, he seemed to be having a fun time!
So why don’t you choose Mostly Garbage? Because he’s a dog…