SNL Transcripts: Ryan Reynolds: 10/03/09: International Masterworks


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 2

09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

International Masterworks

Announcer…..Bill Hader
Detective Joe Smith…..Fred Armisen
Detective John…..Andy Samberg
Bad Guy…..Ryan Reynolds
Nina Midbow…..Kristen Wiig

[Classical Music starts to play] [Logo of PBS appears] [Logo of the show “International Masterworks” appear]

Announcer: Hello! Welcome to International Masterworks. Tonight we are proud to present an extraordinary find. An original work from the Norwegian actor’s playhouse. All though this small company is based in Norway they chose to replicate the style of an American police drama. The actors have spent months perfecting their American accents and the results… are outstanding. You would never guess the actor’s speaker their second language. We begin in the gritty world of New York see where two officers are interrogating a criminal

[Camera cuts to an interrogation room with 2 police offices and a criminal.] [Detective Joe Smith tries to talk English but he has a very thick accent. You can tell that Detective Joe Smith is not American]

Detective Joe Smith: So… you better tell us mister. Did you do a crime by making graffiti? We found a spray paint in the ban.

Bad Guy: Of Course I did not.

Detective Joe Smith: Don’t make me cross. I haven’t drank my coffee from the donut store yet.

Bad Guy: Well i supposed you better keep drink because i have not made any wrongs doing at all. Copper.

Detective Joe Smith: It’s Detective Joe Smith. Memorise this name. I’m starting to become very cross with you.

Detective John: Joe do you want me to strike him with a knuckle sandwich?

[Detective John has the same accent as Detective Joe Smith]

Detective Joe Smith: No John! I’ll just read this news paper of the daily news and wait. Give me my Marlboro cigarettes will you?

[Detective John hands Detective Joe Smith a cigarette] [Bad guy leans over the table]

Bad Guy: I didn’t make a graffiti.

[Camera cuts to the Announcer. Classical music starts to play]

Announcer: You’ll notice that the writers have painstakingly recreated American dialogue styles. In this next, scene the very famous Nina Midbow portrays the young outlaw’s broken hearted mother.

[Camera cut to the interrogation room with Detective Joe Smith and Detective John standing at one end of the table and Nina Midbow with her outlaw son at the other end] [Nina Midbow is wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates hoody. She also has a very thick accent as do all the others.]

Nina Midbow: My son is innocent of this. Can’t you give us a break man? We’ll just go back to our Ghetto and listen to the local DJ radio play PLEASE!

[Nina Midbow leans over to her son and gives him a hug.]

Detective Joe Smith: You think that i don’t know what it’s like? I grew up in the streets of Time Square… Man. We all had to mug each other. Everywhere we looked was pollution but I became a tough cop with a cigarette.

Detective John: And I became his partner in this. YEAH!

Detective Joe Smith: I don’t have a choice you guy. I’m gonna throw you in with all the other robbers.

Bad Guy: I want to speak with the “baresters”

[Camera cuts to the Announcer]

Announcer: Oh to image that these actors are from Oslo and never once been to America. This final scene particularly showcases their grasp of American culture.

[Camera cuts to the two detectives and the Mother with her son in the interrogation room.]

Detective Joe Smith: You better speak!

[Detective Joe Smith with a mean expression grabs the arm of the Bad Guy very lightly] [The Bad Guy turns his face away from Detective Joe Smith]

Bad Guy: Don’t strike me.

Nina Midbow: LET MY SON BE!

Detective John: WAIT!

[Detective John grabs a portable stereo from the a chair and places it on the table]

Detective John: It’s time for the baseball match to start. My favourite team is playing the world series.

[Detective John presses a button on the portable stereo.]

Radio Announcer: The baseball has been thrown. The batter his the ball… and the players hits a home run!

[Everyone in the room is excited with the home run]

Radio Announcer: We wait for the score and… the Pittsburgh Pirates are at number one.

[Everyone is very excited at the announcement. Nina Midbow is pointing at he hoody which reads “Pirates”. The two detective clap with joy.]

Detective Joe Smith: Oh that is great man. Let’s all go to Jim’s bar and have a beer.

[Bad Guy stands up from his chair]

Bad Guy: Oh slap me five.

Detective Joe Smith: Slap everything five.

[Detective grabs the Bad Guy’s hand and leans over to shake Nina’s hand. Now everyone is trying to shake everyone’s hand at the same time. There hands are not connecting with anyone else.] [Camera cuts back to the Announcer]

Announcer: Thank You for watching International Masterworks joins us next week when the Mexican ballet performs Kabuki Theater. Goodnight

[Classical Music starts to play] [PBS logo appears on screen with a black background] [Fade to Black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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