Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 2
A Message From the President of the United States
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated behgind desk in Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Good evening, and congratulations to Rio for getting the 2016 Olympics! And to the Olympic Committee I say, good luck with Rio! [ he smiles, then frowns sourly ]
Now, last year I was elected with a mandate to bring this country change we could believe in. And, as time has passed, it has become clear that this promise is troubling to some people. There are those on the Right who are angry. They think that I’m turning this great country into something that resembles the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany, but that’s just not the case. Because when you look at my record, it’s very clear what I’ve done so far, and that is: [ dramatic pause ] Nothing. Nada. Almost one year, and nothing to show for it.
You don’t believe me? You think I’m making it up? Take a look at this checklist.
Now, on my first day in office — on my first day in office, I said I’d close Guantanamo Bay. Is it closed yet? No.
I said we’d be out of Iraq. Are we? Not the last time I checked.
I said I’d make improvements in the war in Afghanistan. Is it better? No, I think it’s actually worse.
How about health care reform? Hell no.
I even went personally to try and bring the Olympics to Chicago in 2016. It didn’t work out. But, in this case, there’s some good news with the bad: For every person who buys an American car in the next six months, you’re gonna get one of these.[ he holds up an orange “Chicago 2016” t-shirt ]
Now, I just don’t see why the Right is so riled up. I mean, how do you think the Left feels? They’re the ones that should be mad. Now, I’m sure they thought I would have addressed at least one of the following things by now:
Global Warming: No.
Immigration Reform: No.
Gays in the Military: Nuh-uh.
Limits on Executive Powers: Nope.
Torture Prosecutions: No.
So, looking at this list, I’m seeing two big accomplishments: Jack and Squat. And, remember: I can do whatever I want. I have a majority in both houses of Congress. I could make it mandatory for all gays to marry, and require all cars to run on marijuana. But do I? No!
But it’s not all bad news. I have a few accomplishments. The Cash for Clunkers program really stimulated the economy. Unfortunately, it was the economy of Japan.
Let’s see, what else… uh — also, I killed a fly on TV. Remember that? Uh — I brought a white police officer and a black professor together for a beer. Who else could do that? You’re right — Oprah. But no one else!
So, please, stop saying this country is on the road to socialism. If that were actually the case, I’d be making some real changes. Instead, it took me four months to pick out a dog.
So, all of you frothing Glenn Beck supporters, put away those tri-cornered hats and those photoshopped pictures of me as The Joker; because if I see anymore of this hateful rhetoric, I’m gonna have to take drastic action. [ he pauses dramatically, then smiles and leans back in his chair ] Nah, not really.
Thank you, and: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”