SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/10/09: Cooking Al Fresco

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 3

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Cooking Al Fresco

Phil O’Brien…..Andy Samberg
Fran Jones…..Drew BarrymoreMbr>Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on rooftop setting of cooking show ]

Phil O’Brien: Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of “Cooking Al Fresco”. I’m Phil O’Brien.

Fran Jones: And I’m Fran Jones. And we’re coming to you, live, from the roof of the Hammershill Building in beautiful New York City! I think I can see Connecticut from here!

[ they laugh hysterically ]

Phil O’Brien: GREAT joke, Fran! So, for those of you who don’t know: “Al Fresco” is Italian for “in the fresh air.”

Fran Jones: And that’s where we’ll be doing all of our cooking! So move over, birds! ‘Cause it’s OUR roof now!

Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] 2 for 2 on the jokes! Well, we’ve got a GREAT show for you today! Joining us in a bit, from the Food Network: Guy Fieri!

[ cut to Guy Fieri, chuckling wildly as he holds an entire piineapple-ham in his hands ]

Guy Fieri: Today, we’re talking HAM HOCKS!! So get ready to ROCK OUT… with your HOCK OUT!! [ he laughs maniacally ] FULL THROTTLE!!! [ he then begins to chew on the ham ] [ return to Phil and Fran ]

Fran Jones: Great! But, first, we’re gonna kick things off with a classic: Chicken Parmegean.

Phil O’Brien: Mmm! Tell us more, Fran.

Fran Jones: Well, fresh chicken is very important, but the REAL secret is in the bread crumbs!

Phil O’Brien: That’s right! So we’ve got TONS of day-old bread here. We’re just gonna put this down and really get into it. So, we —

[ suddenly, a flock of birds descends onto the set to collect the exposed bread crumbs ] [ Phil and Fran screanm, then attempt to offer the bread crumbs to the attacking birds ] [ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ] [ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, but still catching their breath after the attack ]

Phil O’Brien: Okay!

Fran Jones: A lot of excitement here on the first day!

Phil O’Brien: Oh, yeah… the kids’ll like that on the You Tube!

[ they laugh ]

Fran Jones: You Tube!

Phil O’Brien: Is everybody okay? Guy Fieri, you okay?

[ cut to Guy Fieri holding a hot dog ]

Guy Fieri: Looks like THIS show… is FOR THE BIRDS!! [ he laughs maniacally ] Relax, the two of you’s! I’m just messin’ with you! HOT DOG!! [ he shoves the full hot dog into his face ] [ return to Phil and Fran ]

Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] Oh, Guy! Well, hopefully, those birds have filled up on the bread, alright? So let’s skip the bread crumbs for now, and move onto something a little safer: marianara sauce.

Fran Jones: Good idea! [ she grabs a bottle ] Mmm, marinara sauce. Now, a lot of the jars that marinara sauce comes in —

[ as she pops the lid, the birds once again descend upon the set ]

Phil O’Brien: Oh, my God!! They did not fill up on bread!! What are they doing?!

Fran Jones: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!!

Phil O’Brien: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!!

[ cut to close-up of the birds dipping bread in the sauce with their long, outstretched claws ]

Phil O’Brien: Aghh, they love it!! Aghhh!!

[ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ] [ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, hair askew ]

Phil O’Brien: Okay…

Fran Jones: They’re gone!

Phil O’Brien: You know what? no more food until we figure this out, alright? Let’s just move on to our guest.

Fran Jones: That’s good… You still there, Guy?

[ cut to Guy Fieri, visible wires attached to his backside ]

Guy Fieri: I sure am, you two-lios! We’re gonna do this… CAJUN-STYLE!!

[ Guy Fieri places a straw hat on his head ] [ suddenly, the birds descend upon Guy Fieri, who begins trying to punch the birds off of him ] [ return to Phil and Fran ]

Fran Jones: The birds have got Guy Fieri!

Phil O’Brien: They saw his hat!! They must think he’s a scarecrow!! Guy!! Get out of there, Guy!!

[ cut back to Guy Fieri, as the wires begin to lift him off the ground to make it look like the birds are carrying him away ] [ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ] [ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, near paralyzed ]

Fran Jones: To anyone who is listening… the birds have taken Guy Fieri…

Phil O’Brien: Call the National Guard… Guy Fieri is missing.

[ no he’s not — his clothed skeleton drops onto the set ]

Phil O’Brien: Never mind.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: Join us next week on “Cooking Al Fresco”, when we will be… cancelled!

[ fade ]

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