Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 3
Cooking Al Fresco
Phil O’Brien…..Andy Samberg
Fran Jones…..Drew BarrymoreMbr>Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on rooftop setting of cooking show ]
Phil O’Brien: Hello, and welcome to the very first episode of “Cooking Al Fresco”. I’m Phil O’Brien.
Fran Jones: And I’m Fran Jones. And we’re coming to you, live, from the roof of the Hammershill Building in beautiful New York City! I think I can see Connecticut from here![ they laugh hysterically ]
Phil O’Brien: GREAT joke, Fran! So, for those of you who don’t know: “Al Fresco” is Italian for “in the fresh air.”
Fran Jones: And that’s where we’ll be doing all of our cooking! So move over, birds! ‘Cause it’s OUR roof now!
Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] 2 for 2 on the jokes! Well, we’ve got a GREAT show for you today! Joining us in a bit, from the Food Network: Guy Fieri![ cut to Guy Fieri, chuckling wildly as he holds an entire piineapple-ham in his hands ]
Guy Fieri: Today, we’re talking HAM HOCKS!! So get ready to ROCK OUT… with your HOCK OUT!! [ he laughs maniacally ] FULL THROTTLE!!! [ he then begins to chew on the ham ] [ return to Phil and Fran ]
Fran Jones: Great! But, first, we’re gonna kick things off with a classic: Chicken Parmegean.
Phil O’Brien: Mmm! Tell us more, Fran.
Fran Jones: Well, fresh chicken is very important, but the REAL secret is in the bread crumbs!
Phil O’Brien: That’s right! So we’ve got TONS of day-old bread here. We’re just gonna put this down and really get into it. So, we —[ suddenly, a flock of birds descends onto the set to collect the exposed bread crumbs ] [ Phil and Fran screanm, then attempt to offer the bread crumbs to the attacking birds ] [ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ] [ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, but still catching their breath after the attack ]
Phil O’Brien: Okay!
Fran Jones: A lot of excitement here on the first day!
Phil O’Brien: Oh, yeah… the kids’ll like that on the You Tube![ they laugh ]
Fran Jones: You Tube!
Phil O’Brien: Is everybody okay? Guy Fieri, you okay?[ cut to Guy Fieri holding a hot dog ]
Guy Fieri: Looks like THIS show… is FOR THE BIRDS!! [ he laughs maniacally ] Relax, the two of you’s! I’m just messin’ with you! HOT DOG!! [ he shoves the full hot dog into his face ] [ return to Phil and Fran ]
Phil O’Brien: [ laughing ] Oh, Guy! Well, hopefully, those birds have filled up on the bread, alright? So let’s skip the bread crumbs for now, and move onto something a little safer: marianara sauce.
Fran Jones: Good idea! [ she grabs a bottle ] Mmm, marinara sauce. Now, a lot of the jars that marinara sauce comes in —[ as she pops the lid, the birds once again descend upon the set ]
Phil O’Brien: Oh, my God!! They did not fill up on bread!! What are they doing?!
Fran Jones: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!!
Phil O’Brien: They’re dipping the bread in the sauce!![ cut to close-up of the birds dipping bread in the sauce with their long, outstretched claws ]
Phil O’Brien: Aghh, they love it!! Aghhh!![ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ] [ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, hair askew ]
Phil O’Brien: Okay…
Fran Jones: They’re gone!
Phil O’Brien: You know what? no more food until we figure this out, alright? Let’s just move on to our guest.
Fran Jones: That’s good… You still there, Guy?[ cut to Guy Fieri, visible wires attached to his backside ]
Guy Fieri: I sure am, you two-lios! We’re gonna do this… CAJUN-STYLE!![ Guy Fieri places a straw hat on his head ] [ suddenly, the birds descend upon Guy Fieri, who begins trying to punch the birds off of him ] [ return to Phil and Fran ]
Fran Jones: The birds have got Guy Fieri!
Phil O’Brien: They saw his hat!! They must think he’s a scarecrow!! Guy!! Get out of there, Guy!![ cut back to Guy Fieri, as the wires begin to lift him off the ground to make it look like the birds are carrying him away ] [ cut to “Be Right Back” slide ] [ return to Phil and Fran sans birds, near paralyzed ]
Fran Jones: To anyone who is listening… the birds have taken Guy Fieri…
Phil O’Brien: Call the National Guard… Guy Fieri is missing.[ no he’s not — his clothed skeleton drops onto the set ]
Phil O’Brien: Never mind.[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: Join us next week on “Cooking Al Fresco”, when we will be… cancelled![ fade ]