SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/10/09: Debbie Turner Book Signing


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 3

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Debbie Turner Book Signing

Debbie Turner…..Drew Barrymore
Employee…..Jason sudeikis
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Hamilton…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Barnes & Nobles ] [ dissolve to exterior, Debbie turner reading from her book, “Living With the Devil” ]

Debbie Turner: “…He said goodbye, adjusted his designer sunglasses, and then the elevator doors closed. That was the last time I ever saw his soft, long, blond hair, or heard his sweet, smokey voice. Hamilton was gone.”

[ light applause from the small crowd ]

Employee: That was wonderful. Wonderful. I mean, people don’t usually read the entire book at a book reading, but, uh… no complaints here. It was certainly a fascinating story. Thank you. [ to the crowd ] Uh — any questions for Miss Turner?

Woman: Yes. If it was such an unhealthy relationship, why did you stay with him for so long?

Debbie Turner: I had questions about Hamilton from the beginning, but I was so… physically attracted to him, that I just couldn’t end it.

Employee: Yeah. Yeah, we’ve all been there. Uh — any other questions?

Hamilton: [ softly ] I… have a question.

Debbie Turner: Hamilton?

Hamilton: What… if a man… realized he made a mistake… and he needed your love to survive?

Debbie Turner: Hamilton… what are you doing here?

Hamilton: I’m here… because I love you. I want to be with you in a spectacular way.

Debbie Turner: It’s too late.

Hamilton: Is it? Or is it… not too late? Is it, possibly, early?

Debbie Turner: No, it’s too late.

Hamilton: Love me again, for I have changed. I’ve learned how to love, and I love how it feels. It’s like I jumped off a bridge, and into a huge ocean of love. And all of the fish are kissing my toes. Even sharks are smiling and happy, making love to what was once their prey.

Debbie Turner: [ aggravated ] It’s easy to say that you’ve changed, because you say that ALL the time!

Hamilton: And yet, I say it again. This time you WILL take my word for it, or else!

Debbie Turner: Is that a threat?

Hamilton: [ sincere ] Yes, my love.

Debbie Turner: You are unbelievable! Look, there are so many things that you have to change, I don’t know where to start.

Hamilton: Start towards the end.

Debbie Turner: [ shaking her head ] Well… your Hummer. I think you know how I feel about that thing.

Hamilton: I’ve already sold it… and I have a new car. It’s a bigger Hummer. You’re going to love it!

Debbie Turner: And your creepy bayonet collection?

Hamilton: I will get rid of my bayonets. I will bury them in the chests and bellies of those who would assail this great country with their Communist and Socialist agendas. Health care is not a right, but a privilege of the pure-blooded. It is not to be wasted on the jewelers and the food cart vendors, the laundry folders, the busboys, and nail salon workers. For those, death is a necessary part of the life cycle, and I will gladly help them on their way.

Woman: [ interrupting ] Can I make a quick comment here? [ to Debbie ] I don’t mean to criticize you as a writer, but you did NOT so justice to his looks! [ she smiles up at Hamilton ]

Hamilton: You like what you see?

Employee: [ jumping in ] Uh, for the record, I also like what I see!

Hamilton: That’s fine…

Debbie Turner: You guys! Don’t fall for it, okay? He’s just using his looks to SUCK YOU IN!! Hamilton, this is NOT going to work! When I first saw you, I fell HARD! It’s true. But then I realized that you were not there to STOP that book burning, but, rather than, to make sure that it rna smoothly!

Hamilton: Whether you know it or not… I’m a different person. I’ve joined a gymnasium. And I’m using toilet paper now.

Debbie Turner: [ she sighs ] Well, as I said… it’s too late.

Hamilton: Maybe that’s the case. But, can I say one last thing?

Debbie Turner: Fine. But it’s not going to make a difference.

Hamilton: In the words of the Black singer, Usher: “I wanna make love in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Our song?

Hamilton: [ as he steps closer ] “…in this club… in this club. I wanna make love in this club…”

Debbie Turner: This is not fair!

Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: You son of a BITCH!!

Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”

Debbie Turner: [ unable to stop herself ] What are you doing to me?

Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…”

Debbie Turner: [ swooning ] I’m falling for you again!

Hamilton: “…in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Oh, God!

Hamilton: “…in this club…”

Debbie Turner: Fine! Fine! Let’s just do it! Just tell me where.

Hamilton: On this table.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods towards Woman ] With this woman.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Woman: [ eager to participate ] Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods toward Employee ] And this dude.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Employee: [ also eager ] Yeah! Yeah!

[ Debbie shoves the books off the table, jumps up on her backside and thrusts her legs apart ]

Debbie Turner: Come on!

Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…” — maybe wider?

[ as everyone grabs a hold of one another, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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