Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 3
09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor
Debbie Turner Book Signing
Debbie Turner…..Drew Barrymore
Employee…..Jason sudeikis
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Hamilton…..Will Forte
[ open on exterior, Barnes & Nobles ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Debbie turner reading from her book, “Living With the Devil” ]
Debbie Turner: “…He said goodbye, adjusted his designer sunglasses, and then the elevator doors closed. That was the last time I ever saw his soft, long, blond hair, or heard his sweet, smokey voice. Hamilton was gone.”
[ light applause from the small crowd ]
Employee: That was wonderful. Wonderful. I mean, people don’t usually read the entire book at a book reading, but, uh… no complaints here. It was certainly a fascinating story. Thank you. [ to the crowd ] Uh — any questions for Miss Turner?
Woman: Yes. If it was such an unhealthy relationship, why did you stay with him for so long?
Debbie Turner: I had questions about Hamilton from the beginning, but I was so… physically attracted to him, that I just couldn’t end it.
Employee: Yeah. Yeah, we’ve all been there. Uh — any other questions?
Hamilton: [ softly ] I… have a question.
Debbie Turner: Hamilton?
Hamilton: What… if a man… realized he made a mistake… and he needed your love to survive?
Debbie Turner: Hamilton… what are you doing here?
Hamilton: I’m here… because I love you. I want to be with you in a spectacular way.
Debbie Turner: It’s too late.
Hamilton: Is it? Or is it… not too late? Is it, possibly, early?
Debbie Turner: No, it’s too late.
Hamilton: Love me again, for I have changed. I’ve learned how to love, and I love how it feels. It’s like I jumped off a bridge, and into a huge ocean of love. And all of the fish are kissing my toes. Even sharks are smiling and happy, making love to what was once their prey.
Debbie Turner: [ aggravated ] It’s easy to say that you’ve changed, because you say that ALL the time!
Hamilton: And yet, I say it again. This time you WILL take my word for it, or else!
Debbie Turner: Is that a threat?
Hamilton: [ sincere ] Yes, my love.
Debbie Turner: You are unbelievable! Look, there are so many things that you have to change, I don’t know where to start.
Hamilton: Start towards the end.
Debbie Turner: [ shaking her head ] Well… your Hummer. I think you know how I feel about that thing.
Hamilton: I’ve already sold it… and I have a new car. It’s a bigger Hummer. You’re going to love it!
Debbie Turner: And your creepy bayonet collection?
Hamilton: I will get rid of my bayonets. I will bury them in the chests and bellies of those who would assail this great country with their Communist and Socialist agendas. Health care is not a right, but a privilege of the pure-blooded. It is not to be wasted on the jewelers and the food cart vendors, the laundry folders, the busboys, and nail salon workers. For those, death is a necessary part of the life cycle, and I will gladly help them on their way.
Woman: [ interrupting ] Can I make a quick comment here? [ to Debbie ] I don’t mean to criticize you as a writer, but you did NOT so justice to his looks! [ she smiles up at Hamilton ]
Hamilton: You like what you see?
Employee: [ jumping in ] Uh, for the record, I also like what I see!
Hamilton: That’s fine…
Debbie Turner: You guys! Don’t fall for it, okay? He’s just using his looks to SUCK YOU IN!! Hamilton, this is NOT going to work! When I first saw you, I fell HARD! It’s true. But then I realized that you were not there to STOP that book burning, but, rather than, to make sure that it rna smoothly!
Hamilton: Whether you know it or not… I’m a different person. I’ve joined a gymnasium. And I’m using toilet paper now.
Debbie Turner: [ she sighs ] Well, as I said… it’s too late.
Hamilton: Maybe that’s the case. But, can I say one last thing?
Debbie Turner: Fine. But it’s not going to make a difference.
Hamilton: In the words of the Black singer, Usher: “I wanna make love in this club… in this club…”
Debbie Turner: Our song?
Hamilton: [ as he steps closer ] “…in this club… in this club. I wanna make love in this club…”
Debbie Turner: This is not fair!
Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”
Debbie Turner: You son of a BITCH!!
Hamilton: “…in this club… in this club…”
Debbie Turner: [ unable to stop herself ] What are you doing to me?
Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…”
Debbie Turner: [ swooning ] I’m falling for you again!
Hamilton: “…in this club…”
Debbie Turner: Oh, God!
Hamilton: “…in this club…”
Debbie Turner: Fine! Fine! Let’s just do it! Just tell me where.
Hamilton: On this table.
Debbie Turner: Okay!
Hamilton: [ nods towards Woman ] With this woman.
Debbie Turner: Okay!
Woman: [ eager to participate ] Okay!
Hamilton: [ nods toward Employee ] And this dude.
Debbie Turner: Okay!
Employee: [ also eager ] Yeah! Yeah!
[ Debbie shoves the books off the table, jumps up on her backside and thrusts her legs apart ]
Debbie Turner: Come on!
Hamilton: “I wanna make love in this club…” — maybe wider?
[ as everyone grabs a hold of one another, fade ]
