SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/20/09: Gilly


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor


Mr. Dillon….Will Forte
Liam….Bobby Moynihan
Sam….Kenan Thompson
Paula….Abby Elliott
Gilly….Kristen Wiig
Gigli….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with a shot of Bridgewater Elementary school. Cut to Mr. Dillon’s classroom]

Mr. Dillon: All right, children. Settle down. Now, before our class begins I’d like to apologize for all of my tears yesterday. My mother let it slip that she didn’t find me attractive. And I told her—[an object crashes behind Mr. Dillon barely missing him] What the–??!! Hey, all right. Who just tried to hit me with a sizable scoop of chubby monkey hubby ice cream? Was it you Liam?

Liam: No, Mr.Dillon! It wasn’t me! I was busy trying to forget last night when my grandma tucked me in and her dentures fell out and her wig fell off and everything went crazy in my face! Oh, gosh!

Mr. Dillon: Was it you, Sam?

[Sam has both arms broken, casts are joined at the hip by braces]

Sam: Um, let me see. [motions stiffly left, then right] No, I don’t think so.

Mr. Dillon: Paula, did you alley hoop the scoop?

Paula: Mr. Dillon! No! But do I know who did?! Of course! Hello?! It was Gilly! [points at Gilly] [Gilly smiles mischievously, big frizzy hair with big bow on top of afro]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

[Nothing from Gilly]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, did you launch a generous scoop of premium ice cream at me?

Gilly: Sorry.

Jingle: Her name is Gilly and she’s at it again, causing lots of ruckus like a barnyard hen, she’s always lots of trouble, her head is like a bubble, knock-knock, who’s there? It’s Gilly.

[Gilly does spastic moves to the tune of the jingle. Poses. Gilly logo]

Gilly: Let’s do it.

Mr. Dillon: Now, just before class I was told our foreign exchange student has arrived all the way from Italy. Now remember, her English may not be to–oh!![exchange student is next to Mr. Dillon and he gets startled. She looks just like Gilly, except that her bow on top of her frizzy haired afro has the colors of the Italian flag] Oh-oh.

Gigli: Bon giornio.

[Gilly looks confused]

Mr. Dillon: Well, welcome. Gigli, is it? Why don’t you go stand by Paula and watch as the other kids show their art projects.

[Gigli pushes Liam from the back and stands next to him]

Liam: Hey! She pushed me!

Gigli: ‘Scusi

[Gilly and Gigli exchange friendly looks]

Mr. Dillon: All right, Liam. Why don’t we start with you? I believe you were going to make a sock puppet?

Liam: Oh-oh. I think I got confused. I made socks for a puppet. [holds up tiny socks] Oh, Gosh!

Paula: Hey! Someone help!

[Paula has her face punched through a painting of a giraffe]

Mr. Dillon: All right. Who punched Paula’s face through her weird giraffe painting? Was it you, Liam?

Liam: No! I was just looking at my lunch bag and I realized grandma must have packed it for me, oh gosh! [shows a sandwich with dentures in them]

Mr. Dillon: Sam?

Sam: Well, yesterday a fly walked around my face for like, 30 minutes. And I couldn’t do nothing about it. So, no. I did not.

Mr. Dillon: Well, I don’t know who could have done this.

Paula: Mr. Dillon! O-M-G! It was Gigli and Gilly! [points]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly, did you do this to Paula?

Gilly: Sorry.

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Mi dispache.

Gilly: She said sorry.

Mr. Dillon: Girls, we’ll discuss this later. Now, Sam, let’s move on top you.

Sam: Well, as you know my options are limited because my arms are broken. So, I just ate bits off this wheel of cheddar cheese until it looks like a clipper ship. [shows the cheese boat]

Mr. Dillon: Mmm, it’s just ok. Hey, what is that whimpering sound? Liam, you’ve been socked!

[Liam has a sock stuck in his head, he circles directionless]

Mr. Dillon: Ok, who stretched out Liam’s tiny puppet socks over his face? Was it you, Liam? [Liam circles disoriented] Sam?

Sam: Oh, I would like to harm everyone in this room. But here is the situation. My brother had to zip my pants this morning.

Mr. Dillon: Paula? Was it you?

[Exasperated Paula points to both Gigli and Gilly]

Mr. Dillon: Gill-y-y-y?

Gilly: What?

[Gigli is serving Gilly a glass of wine]

Mr. Dillon: Gigli, is that wine?

Gigli: Si.

Mr. Dillon: Put that away! It’s not lunch yet. All right, now did you girls puppet socked Liam’s face? Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What?

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Que cosa?

Mr. Dillon: Gilly?

Gilly: That’s me.

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Si.

Mr. Dillon: Gilly-y-y?

Gilly: What’s up?

Mr. Dillon: Gigli?

Gigli: Spaguetti.

Mr. Dillon: Ok, that is it. I’ve had it up to here with you two. I’m going to write you up. Hey!

[Gigli and Gilly are smoking cigarettes]

Mr. Dillon: Stop that! Now put out those cigarettes immediately! Gilly?

Gilly: You got it. [puts out cigarette on wine glass]

Mr. Dillon: You too, Gigli.

Gigli: Prego.

[Gilly gives Gigli a can to put out her cigarette]

Mr. Dillon: Now, there are no more interruptio—

[BANG! explosion. Sam, Liam and Paula are in shock covered in black soot. Gigli’s afro is on the floor, smoke rises from it, that’s all that is left of her]

Mr. Dillon: Gilly? Did you explode Gigli by tricking her into putting her cigarette out in a can of flammable paint thinner?

Gilly: Sorry.

All: Gilly-y-y-y!

Jingle: Knock-knock, who’s there? It’s Gilly.

Gilly: Arrivedercci.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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