SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/10/09: Drew Barrymore’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
Actor…..Bobby Moynihan
Ethel Barrymore…..Kristen Wiig
John Barrymore…..Bill Hader
Gertrude Barrymore…..Abby Elliott
Cecil Barrymore…..Andy Samberg
Darius Barrymore…..Kenan Thompson
Girl #1…..Jenny Slate
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Wow! Hi, everybody! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I first got the opportunity to host the show in 1982, when I was seven years old. [ a quick still shot of that episode’s Goodnights ] Yeah! And, tonight, which is my sixth show, which means I’ve hosted more than any other woman in “Saturday Night Live”‘s history. [ the audience cheers ] Pretty wild, huh? WOW!!

I am always THRILLED to be on a stage, too. [ entering Valley-talk mode ] It’s, like, in my DNA! You see, I am so honored to come from a family of great stage actors who performed on Broadway just blocks from here. It was such a magical feeling. We actually have some super-rare footage of my Great Aunt Ethel Barrymore performing at the Lyson Theater in Henry Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House”.

[ cut to rare clip ]

Actor: How unreasonable and how ungrateful you are, Nora! Have you not been happy here?

Ethel Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] You see, Torvald… at first, I thought I was happy… but it has never been so-oh! That is what our marriage has been, Torvald. [ she bows ] [ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She was so spesh-ull! My grandfather, John Barrymore, appeared on Broadway in the role of Hamlet. Oh! And we have some film of that, too! It RAWKS!

[ cut to rare clip ]

John Barrymore: [ feyly ] To sleep… perchance to dream… ay, there is the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come. I mean, right, you guys? This ROCKS!![ return to Drew at Home Base, laughing ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! I am seriously inspired by their performances! There were also some less famous Barrymores, who were equally as talented. I have another clip from a film, starring my British cousins Gertrude and Cecil Barrymore. It’s 1945’s “Nightfall in Normandy”. Oh! Fun fact: This film was written by another cousin, BARRY Barrymore!

[ cut to film clip, black-and-white wartime scene ]

Gertrude Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I am SO stoked being nursing all these soldiers right now! They are all just, like, so wound-ad… and… awe-some!

[ a shot rings out ]

Cecil Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I was just shot! I saw the bullet coming, and I was just, like, YES! [ he falls to the ground ]

Gertrude Barrymore: You are SUCH a free spirit!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She WAS… such… a free spirit! There were so MANY Barrymores — ones I didn’t even KNOW about! For example, I only recently found out that I’m related to the great 70’s Blaxploitation star, Darius Barrymore.

[ cut to film clip of pimp and two girls ]

Darius Barrymore: You guys are both total girl-power goddesses! But if you don’t give me my money, I WILL slice you!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: [ chuckling ] That was spectacular! Oh! And the hookers? Also played by Barrymores! And they were also… HOOKERS!

We have got a GREAT show for you tonight. The lovely Regina Spektor is here. So, stick around… [ she twirls ] we’ll be right back! [ she bows and nearly trips from the stage ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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