SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/10/09: Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
Actor…..Bobby Moynihan
Ethel Barrymore…..Kristen Wiig
John Barrymore…..Bill Hader
Gertrude Barrymore…..Abby Elliott
Cecil Barrymore…..Andy Samberg
Darius Barrymore…..Kenan Thompson
Girl #1…..Jenny Slate
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Wow! Hi, everybody! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I first got the opportunity to host the show in 1982, when I was seven years old. [ a quick still shot of that episode’s Goodnights ] Yeah! And, tonight, which is my sixth show, which means I’ve hosted more than any other woman in “Saturday Night Live”‘s history. [ the audience cheers ] Pretty wild, huh? WOW!!

I am always THRILLED to be on a stage, too. [ entering Valley-talk mode ] It’s, like, in my DNA! You see, I am so honored to come from a family of great stage actors who performed on Broadway just blocks from here. It was such a magical feeling. We actually have some super-rare footage of my Great Aunt Ethel Barrymore performing at the Lyson Theater in Henry Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House”.

[ cut to rare clip ]

Actor: How unreasonable and how ungrateful you are, Nora! Have you not been happy here?

Ethel Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] You see, Torvald… at first, I thought I was happy… but it has never been so-oh! That is what our marriage has been, Torvald. [ she bows ] [ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She was so spesh-ull! My grandfather, John Barrymore, appeared on Broadway in the role of Hamlet. Oh! And we have some film of that, too! It RAWKS!

[ cut to rare clip ]

John Barrymore: [ feyly ] To sleep… perchance to dream… ay, there is the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come. I mean, right, you guys? This ROCKS!![ return to Drew at Home Base, laughing ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! I am seriously inspired by their performances! There were also some less famous Barrymores, who were equally as talented. I have another clip from a film, starring my British cousins Gertrude and Cecil Barrymore. It’s 1945’s “Nightfall in Normandy”. Oh! Fun fact: This film was written by another cousin, BARRY Barrymore!

[ cut to film clip, black-and-white wartime scene ]

Gertrude Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I am SO stoked being nursing all these soldiers right now! They are all just, like, so wound-ad… and… awe-some!

[ a shot rings out ]

Cecil Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I was just shot! I saw the bullet coming, and I was just, like, YES! [ he falls to the ground ]

Gertrude Barrymore: You are SUCH a free spirit!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She WAS… such… a free spirit! There were so MANY Barrymores — ones I didn’t even KNOW about! For example, I only recently found out that I’m related to the great 70’s Blaxploitation star, Darius Barrymore.

[ cut to film clip of pimp and two girls ]

Darius Barrymore: You guys are both total girl-power goddesses! But if you don’t give me my money, I WILL slice you!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: [ chuckling ] That was spectacular! Oh! And the hookers? Also played by Barrymores! And they were also… HOOKERS!

We have got a GREAT show for you tonight. The lovely Regina Spektor is here. So, stick around… [ she twirls ] we’ll be right back! [ she bows and nearly trips from the stage ]

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