Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 2
09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor
University of Westfield
Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Man #2…..Kenan Thompson
Woman #2…..Jenny slate
[ open on man #1 in office setting ]
Man #1: In a tough job market like this one, you need EVERY advantage you can get.[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]
Woman #1: That’s why I enrolled in the University of Westfield — online![ cut to Man #2 sitting in a bar ]
Man #2: [ whispering ] I earned my degree sitting at home in my pajamas!
Woman #2: The University of Westfield Online gave me the SKILLS I need to getthe JOB I want! Skills like: Not mentioning in a job interview that I went to an Internet college.[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]
Woman #1: The University of WestfielcOnline taught me that going to an Internet college is not a thing that would make people want to hire me.[ show footage of Man #2 on a job interview, as he narrates ]
Man #2: At the University of Westfield Online, you’ll learn valuable techniques on how to respond when someone asks you where you went to school. Techniques like: Changing the Subject… [ he points to a potted planted during the interview ] Pretending Your Phone is Vibrating and You Need to Take a Call… [ he fumbles with his cell phone ] Mumbling… [ he speaks with his hand in front of his mouth ] and Faking a Heart Attack. [ he clutches his chest and falls back in his chair ] [ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]
Woman #1: They taught me the names of other colleges that I could say that I went to. Great, believable names — like Rutgers, or U.C. Santa Cruz.[ cut to Man #2 in a meeting ]
Man #2: They also taught me that you could just say the name of a place, like Michigan. People will draw their own conclusions.[ cut to Man #1 at his desk ]
Man #1: Just DON’T mention that you went to the University of Westfield.[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]
Woman #2: And in just four months, when it’s time to graduate, University of Westfield Online will e-mail you a PDF of a diploma… [ show close-up of diploma ] with an intentionally unreadable name of a school. [ sarcastically ] Does that say Yale? It could! So, enroll today. And you could be saying:
Woman #1: Thanks, Cornell!
Man #2: Thanks… Sarah Lawrence!
Woman #2: Thanks, University of Mansin-ken-pin-finley…[ dissolve to product slide ]
Announcer: University of Westfield Online. Just don’t tell anyone.