SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/10/09: University of Westfield


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

University of Westfield

Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Man #2…..Kenan Thompson
Woman #2…..Jenny slate

[ open on man #1 in office setting ]

Man #1: In a tough job market like this one, you need EVERY advantage you can get.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: That’s why I enrolled in the University of Westfield — online!

[ cut to Man #2 sitting in a bar ]

Man #2: [ whispering ] I earned my degree sitting at home in my pajamas!

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: The University of Westfield Online gave me the SKILLS I need to getthe JOB I want! Skills like: Not mentioning in a job interview that I went to an Internet college.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: The University of WestfielcOnline taught me that going to an Internet college is not a thing that would make people want to hire me.

[ show footage of Man #2 on a job interview, as he narrates ]

Man #2: At the University of Westfield Online, you’ll learn valuable techniques on how to respond when someone asks you where you went to school. Techniques like: Changing the Subject… [ he points to a potted planted during the interview ] Pretending Your Phone is Vibrating and You Need to Take a Call… [ he fumbles with his cell phone ] Mumbling… [ he speaks with his hand in front of his mouth ] and Faking a Heart Attack. [ he clutches his chest and falls back in his chair ] [ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: They taught me the names of other colleges that I could say that I went to. Great, believable names — like Rutgers, or U.C. Santa Cruz.

[ cut to Man #2 in a meeting ]

Man #2: They also taught me that you could just say the name of a place, like Michigan. People will draw their own conclusions.

[ cut to Man #1 at his desk ]

Man #1: Just DON’T mention that you went to the University of Westfield.

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: And in just four months, when it’s time to graduate, University of Westfield Online will e-mail you a PDF of a diploma… [ show close-up of diploma ] with an intentionally unreadable name of a school. [ sarcastically ] Does that say Yale? It could! So, enroll today. And you could be saying:

Woman #1: Thanks, Cornell!

Man #2: Thanks… Sarah Lawrence!

Woman #2: Thanks, University of Mansin-ken-pin-finley…

[ dissolve to product slide ]

Announcer: University of Westfield Online. Just don’t tell anyone.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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