SNL Transcripts: Gerard Butler: 10/17/09: Beauty and the Beast


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Beauty and the Beast

Belle…..Kristen Wiig
Beast…..Gerard Butler
Lumiere…..Bill Hader
Cogsworth…..Bobby Moynihan
Mrs. Potts…..Jenny Slate

[ open on exterior, castle ]

Announcer: [with SCROLL ] Our enchanted story continues on a starry night, as love begins to blossom between the Beauty and the Beast.

[ dissolve to interior, Ballroom, as Belle and the Beast approach one another from opposite sides of the room ]

Beast: Would you do me the great honor of joining me in a dance?

Belle: The honor would be mine!

[ singing ] “Tale as old as time.”

Beast: “True as it can be.”

Belle: “Barely even friends.”

Beast: “Then somebody bends.”

Together: “Beauty and the Beast…”

Beast: Whenever I’m in your presence, I can feel dark clouds part… and the sun shining on my face.

Belle: They say true love can break the curse, and I can’t imagine a love more true than this!

Beast: Ohhhh, my darling! I can hardly wait until your transformation.

[ Belle raises her eyebrows ]

Belle: Uhhh — uh, w-w-What do you mean, my transformation?

Beast: You know. The curse will be broken, and you can stop being a beast.

Belle: [ aghast ] You think I’m the beast?

Beast: Uh, yeah — we were just, uh, singing about it. [ he sings ] “Beauty and the Beast…” [ he extends his hairy hand to her ]

Belle: No, well, it’s the other way around!

Beast: [ realizing her confusion ] Oh, this is awkward.

Belle: [ hurt ] How could you think I was the beast?!

Beast: Well, “beast” is a strong word. You know, YOU’RE the one who started throwing “beast” around! [ he sighs ] I’d say you’re like a… a 6!

Belle: [ flabbergasted ] A 6?! In my village, I’m considred a great beauty!

Beast: Ohhhh, I know. I’m sure. It’s just that — well, you’re very slender. And, I don’t know, I like… [ he whispers ] I like a big ass!

Belle: [ annoyed ] what?!

Beast: I like a… [ more confident ] a BIG ASS!!

[ he continues singing ]

“A tale as old as tiiiiime…”

Belle: No, no, no, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, wait a minute! So, what were you hoping was gonna happen?

Beast: That we’d share true love’s kiss, and then you’d transform, you know, so you’d have a… BIG OL’ ASS!!

Belle: That is SICK! I can’t believe you thought YOU were the beauty!

Beast: [ insulted ] Oh, what’s so crazy about that?

Belle: Lumiere! Get in here!

[ the talking candelabra enters ]

Lumiere: Bonsoir?

Belle: [ calmly ] Who is the Beauty… and who is the Beast?

Lumiere: You both look like beasts to me!

Belle: What?!

Lumiere: Well, I’m a candelabra! I’m only attracted to other candelabras! Although, once, in college, I dated a menorah!

Beast: See? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[ Cogsworth the clock enters ]

Cogsworth: Indeed, it is! For instance, I’M a clock!

Belle: So, you’re only attracted to other clocks?

Cogsworth: No! I like women like you!

Belle: Hmm. Thank you.

Cogsworth: Yeah, but with, like, a BIG ASS!! Oh, like a… 3:45 ass!

Belle: What?!

Cogsworth: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s clock slang. Like a… [ he extends his arms ] 3:45 ASS!!! You know, like Teapot over there!

[ show Mrs. Potts off to the side, shaking it ]

Belle: [ insulted ] Okay… well… then why don’t you all just go hook up with her?

Beast: [ matter-of-factly ] Well, we do — all the time.

Cogsworth: Why do you think she lives here with us? Have you ever seen any of us drink tea?

Belle: Okay… okay, freaks! I’m leaving! You know what? Have fun in your ASS CASTLE!!

[ Belle storms out of the ballroom ]

Beast: How does she know we call it an “ass castle”?

[ Mrs. Potts struts forward ]

Mrs. Potts: Anyone care for a “tea party”?

Together: “Beauty and the Beast.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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