Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 4
Beauty and the Beast
Belle…..Kristen Wiig
Beast…..Gerard Butler
Lumiere…..Bill Hader
Cogsworth…..Bobby Moynihan
Mrs. Potts…..Jenny Slate
[ open on exterior, castle ]
Announcer: [with SCROLL ] Our enchanted story continues on a starry night, as love begins to blossom between the Beauty and the Beast.
[ dissolve to interior, Ballroom, as Belle and the Beast approach one another from opposite sides of the room ]
Beast: Would you do me the great honor of joining me in a dance?
Belle: The honor would be mine!
[ singing ] “Tale as old as time.”
Beast: “True as it can be.”
Belle: “Barely even friends.”
Beast: “Then somebody bends.”
Together: “Beauty and the Beast…”
Beast: Whenever I’m in your presence, I can feel dark clouds part… and the sun shining on my face.
Belle: They say true love can break the curse, and I can’t imagine a love more true than this!
Beast: Ohhhh, my darling! I can hardly wait until your transformation.
[ Belle raises her eyebrows ]
Belle: Uhhh — uh, w-w-What do you mean, my transformation?
Beast: You know. The curse will be broken, and you can stop being a beast.
Belle: [ aghast ] You think I’m the beast?
Beast: Uh, yeah — we were just, uh, singing about it. [ he sings ] “Beauty and the Beast…” [ he extends his hairy hand to her ]
Belle: No, well, it’s the other way around!
Beast: [ realizing her confusion ] Oh, this is awkward.
Belle: [ hurt ] How could you think I was the beast?!
Beast: Well, “beast” is a strong word. You know, YOU’RE the one who started throwing “beast” around! [ he sighs ] I’d say you’re like a… a 6!
Belle: [ flabbergasted ] A 6?! In my village, I’m considred a great beauty!
Beast: Ohhhh, I know. I’m sure. It’s just that — well, you’re very slender. And, I don’t know, I like… [ he whispers ] I like a big ass!
Belle: [ annoyed ] what?!
Beast: I like a… [ more confident ] a BIG ASS!!
[ he continues singing ]
“A tale as old as tiiiiime…”
Belle: No, no, no, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, wait a minute! So, what were you hoping was gonna happen?
Beast: That we’d share true love’s kiss, and then you’d transform, you know, so you’d have a… BIG OL’ ASS!!
Belle: That is SICK! I can’t believe you thought YOU were the beauty!
Beast: [ insulted ] Oh, what’s so crazy about that?
Belle: Lumiere! Get in here!
[ the talking candelabra enters ]
Lumiere: Bonsoir?
Belle: [ calmly ] Who is the Beauty… and who is the Beast?
Lumiere: You both look like beasts to me!
Belle: What?!
Lumiere: Well, I’m a candelabra! I’m only attracted to other candelabras! Although, once, in college, I dated a menorah!
Beast: See? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
[ Cogsworth the clock enters ]
Cogsworth: Indeed, it is! For instance, I’M a clock!
Belle: So, you’re only attracted to other clocks?
Cogsworth: No! I like women like you!
Belle: Hmm. Thank you.
Cogsworth: Yeah, but with, like, a BIG ASS!! Oh, like a… 3:45 ass!
Belle: What?!
Cogsworth: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s clock slang. Like a… [ he extends his arms ] 3:45 ASS!!! You know, like Teapot over there!
[ show Mrs. Potts off to the side, shaking it ]
Belle: [ insulted ] Okay… well… then why don’t you all just go hook up with her?
Beast: [ matter-of-factly ] Well, we do — all the time.
Cogsworth: Why do you think she lives here with us? Have you ever seen any of us drink tea?
Belle: Okay… okay, freaks! I’m leaving! You know what? Have fun in your ASS CASTLE!!
[ Belle storms out of the ballroom ]
Beast: How does she know we call it an “ass castle”?
[ Mrs. Potts struts forward ]
Mrs. Potts: Anyone care for a “tea party”?
Together: “Beauty and the Beast.”
[ fade ]
