Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 4
Scottish Rebel 1…. Jason Sudeikis
Scottish Rebel 2…. Bill Hader
Scottish Rebel 3…. Bobby Moynihan
French Princess…. Jenny Slate
[Poster of Mel Gibson’s epic “Braveheart” of William Wallace holding a sword]
Announcer: “Braveheart”. The timeless tale of William Wallace. Scotland’s greatest hero. And now this classic tale told again but from the perspective of William Wallace’s younger brother, David.[poster of David for “Daveheart”] [David and his band of rebels gather around on Scotland’s high plains]
David: Ok. Gather around. Now, I just returned from talking with those English bastards. And they say we’re outnumbered. [disapproving grunts] They say they have superior weapons.[more disapproving grunts] They told me we would be fools to fight them. So, here is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get the hell out of here before we get killed.
Announcer: “Daveheart” The story of Scotland’s biggest coward. When history needed a hero, it knocked on the wrong door.
Scottish Rebel 1: So, you’re saying we should surrender?
David: I’m saying that on the count of three we should run off in different directions. They can’t catch all of us, can they? If they do catch you I recommend to pretend that you’re English. So, let’s practice. Everybody. [English accent] “Hello, governor. Fancy a cup of tea?” All right. Now you guys. Come on, let’s hear you.
Scottish Rebel 2: But years from now when we lie down in our beds, won’t we wish we had fought on this day?
David: No. No, you’ll think “What a comfy bed. I’m glad I didn’t die covered in mud”. You’ll say “Thanks, Daveheart”. That’s what you’ll say.
Scottish Rebel 3: How can we surrender?! The English lords deflower our virgins brides on their wedding nights!
David: First of all, none of your wives are virgins on their wedding nights. There are six girls in our village and like a hundred guys. So, no one is a virgin. Now back to business. We need to run away and we need to run away fast.
Someone from the crowd: Coward!
David: Coward?! Coward?! Ha! I resent that! [scared shitless] Oh, my God! What’s that?! [a goat] Oh, sorry. False alarm. It is just a goat. I thought it was a dragon.[cut to various of David’s scared faces in battle]
Announcer: Some men fear death. Some dishonor. Daveheart was afraid of the dark and loud noises. A tale of cowardice in a time of courage. A man who despite a shameful attempt to flee was still captured and jailed.[David is chained to the wall in a English dungeon. A pretty princess visits him.]
French Princess: They are going to torture you.
David: Oh, don’t say torture. I can’t piss myself any more than I already have, ok? I mean, I’m pissed out!
French Princess: I have brought you something. It will numb the pain. [shows a little bottle]
David: Oh, yeah. I want that. And give me a lot. I have a low tolerance for pain.
French Princess: You must be strong.
David: I can do that. Or, better idea. We switch clothes and then you get executed and I pretend to be a beautiful French princess. How is that?
French Princess: No. That will not work.
David: Of course it will work. I mean, our kilts, it will work.
French Princess: You will have to live as a woman with my husband.
David: [crying] I would rather live as a woman than die like a man! [girlie scream] Aaaaahhh!!! Dragon!! [a goat is next to the executioner]
Announcer: “Daveheart”. Worse than “Braveheart”. Buy it today.[cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel