SNL Transcripts: Gerard Butler: 10/17/09: Daveheart



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4








09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Daveheart

David….Gerard Butler
Scottish Rebel 1…. Jason Sudeikis
Scottish Rebel 2…. Bill Hader
Scottish Rebel 3…. Bobby Moynihan
French Princess…. Jenny Slate

[Poster of Mel Gibson’s epic “Braveheart” of William Wallace holding a sword]

Announcer: “Braveheart”. The timeless tale of William Wallace. Scotland’s greatest hero. And now this classic tale told again but from the perspective of William Wallace’s younger brother, David.

[poster of David for “Daveheart”] [David and his band of rebels gather around on Scotland’s high plains]

David: Ok. Gather around. Now, I just returned from talking with those English bastards. And they say we’re outnumbered. [disapproving grunts] They say they have superior weapons.[more disapproving grunts] They told me we would be fools to fight them. So, here is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get the hell out of here before we get killed.

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart” The story of Scotland’s biggest coward. When history needed a hero, it knocked on the wrong door.

Scottish Rebel 1: So, you’re saying we should surrender?

David: I’m saying that on the count of three we should run off in different directions. They can’t catch all of us, can they? If they do catch you I recommend to pretend that you’re English. So, let’s practice. Everybody. [English accent] “Hello, governor. Fancy a cup of tea?” All right. Now you guys. Come on, let’s hear you.

Scottish Rebel 2: But years from now when we lie down in our beds, won’t we wish we had fought on this day?

David: No. No, you’ll think “What a comfy bed. I’m glad I didn’t die covered in mud”. You’ll say “Thanks, Daveheart”. That’s what you’ll say.

Scottish Rebel 3: How can we surrender?! The English lords deflower our virgins brides on their wedding nights!

David: First of all, none of your wives are virgins on their wedding nights. There are six girls in our village and like a hundred guys. So, no one is a virgin. Now back to business. We need to run away and we need to run away fast.

Someone from the crowd: Coward!

David: Coward?! Coward?! Ha! I resent that! [scared shitless] Oh, my God! What’s that?! [a goat] Oh, sorry. False alarm. It is just a goat. I thought it was a dragon.

[cut to various of David’s scared faces in battle]

Announcer: Some men fear death. Some dishonor. Daveheart was afraid of the dark and loud noises. A tale of cowardice in a time of courage. A man who despite a shameful attempt to flee was still captured and jailed.

[David is chained to the wall in a English dungeon. A pretty princess visits him.]

French Princess: They are going to torture you.

David: Oh, don’t say torture. I can’t piss myself any more than I already have, ok? I mean, I’m pissed out!

French Princess: I have brought you something. It will numb the pain. [shows a little bottle]

David: Oh, yeah. I want that. And give me a lot. I have a low tolerance for pain.

French Princess: You must be strong.

David: I can do that. Or, better idea. We switch clothes and then you get executed and I pretend to be a beautiful French princess. How is that?

French Princess: No. That will not work.

David: Of course it will work. I mean, our kilts, it will work.

French Princess: You will have to live as a woman with my husband.

David: [crying] I would rather live as a woman than die like a man! [girlie scream] Aaaaahhh!!! Dragon!! [a goat is next to the executioner]

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart”. Worse than “Braveheart”. Buy it today.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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