SNL Transcripts: Gerard Butler: 10/17/09: Gerard Butler’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Gerard Butler’s Monologue

…..Gerard Butler
Warriors…..Jason Sudeikis, Bobby Moynihan, Bill Hader
Ninjas…..Fred Armisen, Will Forte
Christine…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Gerard Butler!

Gerard Butler: Thank you! [ he waves the applause on ] No, no! Thank you! It’s GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is, uh — it’s actually my first time hosting, which means I’ve now hosted more than ANY OTHER SCOTSMAN in “SNL” history!! [ the audience cheers ] YEAHHHH!!! WAHOO!!!

You know… as an actor, I’m primarily known for two types of film roles: There’s the kind where I wear a shirt, and the kind where I don’t. So, in the kind where I don’t, people are usually trying to kill me — like in “300”. [ the audience cheers ] But in the kind where I do wear a shirt, I’m usually doing something a little more sexy — like in the film “The Phantom of the Opera”, where I played the Phantom. [ the audience cheers ] So, tonight… I’d like to show you that I’m not just an action guy, that I also have a sensitive side, with a song from my favorite shirt-wearing musical.

[ piano music begins to play ] [ singing ]“Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences.”

It’s actually a lot better than I thought!

Gerard Butler: “Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour.”

[ a warrior sneaks up behind Butler, but he knocks the warrior down with his own sword ]

Gerard Butler: “Grasp it, sense it tremulous and tender…”

[ two more warriors run forward; Butler steps out of their way and lets the warriors collide into one another, then he strikes them with a sword ] [ Butler continues to sing, as a pair of ninjas appear behind him; He swings his arms back and knocks both ninjas to the ground, then he knocks down a third ninja who attempts to sneak up on him. ] [ suddenly, Christine appears in mid-chorus ]

Christine: [ singing ]“Close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world!”

“Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!”

[ suddenly, Christine whips a dagger from her bosom and attempts to kill Butler, but he manages to wrestle her to the ground as he finishes his song ]

Christine: Take your shirt off!!

Gerard Butler: NO!!

Christine: DO IT!!

Gerard Butler: NO!!

[ he seizes the dagger from her hand and shoves it away from the stage ]

Gerard Butler: [ singing ] “… the darkness of the music of the niiiiiiiight!!”

We’ve got a great show for you! Shakira is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ Butler and Christine continue to spar as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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