Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 4
Gerard Butler’s Monologue
Warriors…..Jason Sudeikis, Bobby Moynihan, Bill Hader
Ninjas…..Fred Armisen, Will Forte
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Gerard Butler!
Gerard Butler: Thank you! [ he waves the applause on ] No, no! Thank you! It’s GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is, uh — it’s actually my first time hosting, which means I’ve now hosted more than ANY OTHER SCOTSMAN in “SNL” history!! [ the audience cheers ] YEAHHHH!!! WAHOO!!!
You know… as an actor, I’m primarily known for two types of film roles: There’s the kind where I wear a shirt, and the kind where I don’t. So, in the kind where I don’t, people are usually trying to kill me — like in “300”. [ the audience cheers ] But in the kind where I do wear a shirt, I’m usually doing something a little more sexy — like in the film “The Phantom of the Opera”, where I played the Phantom. [ the audience cheers ] So, tonight… I’d like to show you that I’m not just an action guy, that I also have a sensitive side, with a song from my favorite shirt-wearing musical.
[ piano music begins to play ]
[ singing ]
“Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defences.”
It’s actually a lot better than I thought!
Gerard Butler: “Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour.”
[ a warrior sneaks up behind Butler, but he knocks the warrior down with his own sword ]
Gerard Butler: “Grasp it, sense it tremulous and tender…”
[ two more warriors run forward; Butler steps out of their way and lets the warriors collide into one another, then he strikes them with a sword ]
[ Butler continues to sing, as a pair of ninjas appear behind him; He swings his arms back and knocks both ninjas to the ground, then he knocks down a third ninja who attempts to sneak up on him. ]
[ suddenly, Christine appears in mid-chorus ]
Christine: [ singing ]
“Close your eyes start a journey through a strange new world!”
“Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!”
[ suddenly, Christine whips a dagger from her bosom and attempts to kill Butler, but he manages to wrestle her to the ground as he finishes his song ]
Christine: Take your shirt off!!
Gerard Butler: NO!!
Christine: DO IT!!
Gerard Butler: NO!!
[ he seizes the dagger from her hand and shoves it away from the stage ]
Gerard Butler: [ singing ] “… the darkness of the music of the niiiiiiiight!!”
We’ve got a great show for you! Shakira is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
[ Butler and Christine continue to spar as the scene fades ]