SNL Transcripts: Gerard Butler: 10/17/09: The Rock Obama



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4












09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

The Rock Obama

The Rock Obama…..Dwayne Johnson
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Mitch McConnell…..Will Forte
Max Baucus…..Bill Hader
Olympia Snowe…..Jenny Slate
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Katie…..Nasim Pedrad

FADE IN:

[ EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: THE WHITE HOUSE, OCTOBER 17, 2009 ] [ INT. THE WHITE HOUSE – OVAL OFFICE ] [ PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA stands next to his scheduling aide KATIE ]

President Barack Obama: So what’s next on the schedule, Katie?

Katie: As per your request, Mr. President — Senators Snowe, McConnell,and Baucus are here to discuss health care.

President Barack Obama: That’s great! You know, Katie, this is the closest we’vecome to reform in this country. I just need everyone to behave.

Katie: So, you gonna get angry with them?

President Barack Obama: Now Katie — no. You know I don’t get angry. I find itworks better to kill them with kindness. Send them in.

[ Katie opens the door to the Oval Office and departs. GOP SEN. OLYMPIASNOWE, SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL, AND DEM. SEN. MAX BAUCUSgreet the President with a handshake and all take seats on the couch. ThePresident sits in front of his desk. ]

President Barack Obama: Now look, I asked you all here because I want everyonehere to have a voice in the health care reform debate. Now, Sen. Baucus,you’re a moderate Democrat, but thanks to your efforts in the SenateFinance Committee, you have a voice!

[ Baucus smiles. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. Snowe, you’re a Republican who crossed party linesto support the Baucus bill and you have a voice!

[ Snowe nods and winces a bit. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. McConnell, as the Senate Minority Leader, I want youto have a voice too. Now, uh, what can I do to bring the rest of theRepublican Party into the conversation.

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh, Mr. President, maybe I can explain theRepublican position — it’s not that we don’t want health care to fail. Wedon’t! We just want you to fail. And defeating health care reform is thebest way to do that.

[ President Obama clenches his jaw. ]

Mitch McConnell: Because if you fix health care, that would be a bigvictory for you and that’s bad for us.

[ The President rubs his neck over and over. ]

Mitch McConnell: With that said, I could see us supporting health care butonly if you switch your position to AGAINST it.

[ The President shakes violently. ] [ CUT TO pre-filmed close-up footage of the President bursting through hisclothes, a la The Incredible Hulk TO REVEAL a muscular President with tornclothing, now being played by Dwayne Johnson, who SCREAMS. The senatorsreact in terror. ]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, my God! What happened?!

Max Baucus: What happened was… you made Barack Obama angry! And when youmake Barack Obama angry, he turns into… The Rock Obama!

[ TITLE CARD: THE ROCK OBAMA ]

Mitch McConnell: The Rock Obama?

[ The Rock Obama clears his throat. ]

The Rock Obama: Now, uh… don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama, much like,uh… Barack Obama. Only stronger, and, uh… more angry! Now! We get adown to business!

[ The Rock Obama picks up the telephone. ]

The Rock Obama: Katie? Hold calls.

[ The Rock Obama slams the phone down, crushing it and the stand. Thesenators are trembling. ]

The Rock Obama: Now! Where were we?

[ The Rock Obama points to Baucus. ]

The Rock Obama: You! Little man in suit.

Max Baucus: Me?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Why Finance Committee no have public option?

Max Baucus: I’m a Blue Dog Democrat. I have a different constituency.

The Rock Obama: You Blue Dog? Huh… me like dog.

Max Baucus: Thank you.

The Rock Obama: Bark for me!

Max Baucus: I’m sorry?

The Rock Obama: Bark for me like dog!

[ Sen. Baucus turns to the others and the President. Out of fear, he barksa few times like a terrier. The Rock Obama chuckles and claps. ]

The Rock Obama: Me like dog. Me no like you.

[ The Rock Obama gets up, grabs Baucus by the neck and flings him throughthe plate glass window. He then takes a seat and points to McConnell. ]

The Rock Obama: You!

Mitch McConnell: Who? Uh…me!?

The Rock Obama: Why you no want fix health care?

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh… I’m just worried if there’s uh — pubicoption — people who like their insurance now would lose it.

The Rock Obama: You like your insurance?

Mitch McConnell: I do! I do!

[ The Rock Obama rises over Sen. McConnell and tears off his left arm andtosses out the window. ]

The Rock Obama: Better call your insurance!

[ Sen. McConnell nods in agreement. ]

The Rock Obama: Tell them you need a new arm!

Mitch McConnell: Okay! Okay!

The Rock Obama: Go now! Get arm!

Mitch McConnell: Out the window?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Like arm!

[ Sen. McConnell gets up and jumps out the window. The Rock Obama takes his seat. ]

The Rock Obama: Hmmmm… Hello Lady!

Olympia Snowe: Hello.

The Rock Obama: Come down…

[ Sen. Snowe inches herself closer to The Rock Obama. ]

The Rock Obama: Closer…

[ Sen. Snowe moves to the very end of the couch. ]

The Rock Obama: You Republican who vote for Baucus bill?

Olympia Snowe: Yes!

The Rock Obama: But you probably vote no health care on Senate floor.

Olympia Snowe: I might!

The Rock Obama: Tell truth!!

Olympia Snowe: No. Probably not.

[ The Rock Obama extends his right hand. ]

The Rock Obama: Put head in hand. I smash it now.

[ Sen. Snowe is shaken. ]

Olympia Snowe: Really?

[ VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN enters and scans both of them. ]

Joe Biden: Hello! Huh… who got you mad?

The Rock Obama: Senators!

Joe Biden: Always the senators! Uh, you might want to get outof here, Snowe.

[ Sen. Snowe wastes no time leaving. ]

Joe Biden: There you go… out the door. There you go..

[ The Vice President chuckles. ]

The Rock Obama: Senators make Barack Obama so angry.

Joe Biden: Hey! Look at me!

The Rock Obama: Barack Obama… so alone….

Joe Biden: No! C’mon! Look, you got me! Who’s your pal?

The Rock Obama: Joe Biden is pal!

Joe Biden: That’s right! C’mon — take a seat.

[ The Vice President pulls up two chair for them to sit, which they do. ]

Joe Biden: C’mon, sit. Now look, things are tough right now.Everyone’s asking the world of you, right? They want you to clean up amess that wasn’t yours in the first place.

The Rock Obama: It’s true! Not my mess!

Joe Biden: That’s right! You got generals running their mouthsabout policy, Goldman giving out billions in bonuses, and then the Nobelpeople gave you an award you had no right in winning!

[ The Rock Obama gets up and intimidates the Vice President. ]

Joe Biden: Okay, just a little early! Just a little early –that’s all!

[ The Rock Obama calms down and sits. The Vice President laughs. ]

Joe Biden: There is some good news.

The Rock Obama: What good news?

Joe Biden: I’ll tell you some good news — that kid who theythought was in a spaceship? Safe and sound! Back with his loving parents– living in a box in the attic! And if that’s not a great story thiscountry can rally around, I don’t what is!

The Rock Obama: That’s a good story!

Joe Biden: Damn good story! Real good story!

[ A beat. ]

Joe Biden: Now I hope you don’t get mad about this, but I madea Biden Blooper!

The Rock Obama: What did you do?

Joe Biden: I gave my dry cleaning to the Chinese ambassador.

The Rock Obama: Joe!

Joe Biden: Okay! I know the drill… All right, what do we dohere? Go into the wall or window?

The Rock Obama: Wall!

Joe Biden: Wall it is! Geroni-Joe!!!

[ The Vice President hurls himself into the wall, which collapses. ThePresident stand up. ]

The Rock Obama: Being President is so hard and “Live, from New York, it’sSaturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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