Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
End of an Era
Greta Van Susteren…..Kristen Wiig
Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Brit Hume…..Will Forte
Juan Williams…..Kenan Thompson
Karl Rove…..Bobby Moynihan
Joe Trippi…..Fred Armisen
Glenn Beck…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on FOX News logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching FOX News’ continuous coverage of the 2009 election: End of an Era. And now, Greta Van Susteren.
Greta Van Susteren: Good evening. I’m Greta Van Susteren. It’s hard to believe that only one year ago Barack Obama entered the White House, promising a new era of government, and yet, on Tuesday, it seems that that era came to a bad end. We’ll discuss. But, first, Shepard Smith, to recap Tuesday’s historic events in Virginia.[ cut to Shepard Smith ]
Shepard Smith: [ giddy ] Greta, on election night, the voters of Virginia spoke loud and clear! The state Obama carried in ’08 is now back in the hands of the Republican Party. I do believe we’ll ALL remember where we were the night Bob McDonnell took back the State house!
Greta Van Susteren: Indeed. Let’s meet our panel. Senior Political Analyst for FOX News, Brit Hume.
Brit Hume: Greta. Always a pleasure.
Greta Van Susteren: NPR correspondent and FOX News contributor, Juan Williams.
Juan Williams: Hello. Great to be here, Greta.
Greta Van Susteren: Former Deputy Chief of Staff to President George W. Bush, Karl Rove.
Karl Rove: Thanks for having me.
Greta Van Susteren: And Democrat and former Howard Dean campaign member, Joe Trippi.
Joe Trippi: Thank you so much for hav–
Greta Van Susteren: [ cutting him off ] Brit, why did the Obama era end so quickly?
Brit Hume: Well, Greta, he had ten months — TEN MONTHS — in office, and he could not find the time to fix the greatest economic collapse in modern times. Or even win ONE of the two wars he inherited.
Karl Rove: Let’s not forget that it was under HIS watch that we lost the King of Pop!
Greta Van Susteren: So true, so true. Let’s take a look back to New Jersey. Shepard, break down the results for us.
Shephard Smith: [ smiling widely ] Greta, it was more bad news for Barack Obama. New Jersey went to Republican Chris Christie, and that was the death knell for the Obama administration. It’s official, Greta — no he can’t!
Greta Van Susteren: Why, the Democrats are already trying to spin this by saying that New Jersey wasn’t a referendum on the ballot. Any truth to that?
Juan Williams: Oh, look, they can say John ?? was an uncharismatic, one-time Goldman-Sachs employee dogged by corruption accusations, whose most memorable in office was a car accident. But I think it’s CLEAR New Jersey thinks Barack Obama was a bad president.
Greta Van Susteren: [ nodding ] Karl, how do you see the rest of Obama’s term?
Karl Rove: Oh, he’s a lame duck.
Greta Van Susteren: Joe Trippi, you’ve been, uh, pretty quiet over there.
Joe Trippi: [ aggravated ] You haven’t asked me any questions.
Greta Van Susteren: [ moving on ] Brit, the significance of Tuesday?
Brit Hume: There are certain indelible moments of triumph in thi great nation’s history: The Moon landing, V-E Day, the Lewisnky scandal. Tuesday was one of those nights.
Juan Williams: [ nodding ] I concur!
Karl Rove: [ nodding ] Same here.
Joe Trippi: Uh, if I could just —
Greta Van Susteren: Uh, I’m sorry, Joe! I’m sorry, Joe! We have to cut away to Fox’s own Glenn Beck.
Glenn Beck: [ twitching wildly ] Thank you, Greta. You know, I couldn’t sleep Tuesday night because, in my neighborhood, people were pouring into the street… and honking their horns… in celebration… of the return of freedom! They were screaming! and yelling! And banging on garbage cans, letting their neighbors know… [ he spreads his arms wide ] it’s safe to come out! That loving America… is legal again! [ he regains his composure, fights a tear, then sighs ] And I love America! Oh and, Greta — I also realized that you could rearrange the letters of YOUR name… [ he approaches chalkboard ] to spell… [ he writes it out ] “A GREAT!” And it was a great night. A gret, great night… [ he places a tri-cormer hat upon his head ] for a great, great nation. [ he walks up to and past the camera in extreme close-up ] [ return to Greta ]
Greta Van Susteren: Thanks, Glenn. Now, let’s revisit New York’s twenty-third Congressional district, where Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh backed the Conservative candidate, Doug Hoffman, as he courageously stood up to the GOP and their candidate, Dierdre Scozzafava. Shep, can you give us those results?
Shepard Smith: I’d rather not, Greta! [ he smiles ]
Greta Van Susteren: Why not?
Shepard Smith: Because it’s just… not… important!
Greta Van Susteren: If you say so, Shep. So, there you have it. A night where the country forever shifted from the left… [ she parts her lips to the other side ] to the right. So, to summarize: Obama loses the ’09 election. For FOX News, I’m Greta Van Susteren, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”