Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Taylor Swift’s Monologue
…..Taylor Swift
Security Agents…..Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Taylor Swift!
Taylor Swift: Oh! Thank you! Oh, thank you so much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I have wanted to host this show… ever since I was a little kid. Staying up past my bedtime to watch Bill Hader and Andy Samberg… [ she sighs ]
Being here is incredible. I’m excited, and I’m nervous, and, you know, whenever I’m feeling strong emotions about something like this… I usually write a song about it. [ a guitar is handed up to her ] So this is what I came up with. It’s called: “Monologue Song (La La La)”.
[ singing ]
“I like glitter and sparkly dresses
but Im not going to talk about that… in my monologue.
I like baking and things that smell like winter
but Im not going to talk about that… in my monologue.
La la la
La la la.
I like writing songs about douchebags who cheat on me
but Im not gonna say that… in my monologue.
I like writing their names into songs so they are ashamed to go in public
but Im not gonna say that… in my monologue.La la
La la la la
This is… my musical monologue.
You might think Id bring up Joe, that guy who broke up with me on the phone
but Im not going to mention him… in my monologue.”
Hey, Joe! Im doing really well! I’m hosting “SNL”!
“But I’m not gonna talk about that… in my monologue.
La la la,
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
La la la.
And if youre wondering if I might be dating the werewolf from “Twilight”…
[ she waves, whispers: “Hi, Taylor!”, and blows a kiss ]
Im not gonna comment on that… in my monologue.
La la
La la la la
This is… my musical monologue.
You might be expecting me to say something bad about Kanye,
and how he ran up on the stage and ruined my VMA monologue.
[ she sighs ]
But theres nothing more to say, because everything is okay
I’ve got security lining the stage!
[ two security agents step behind Swift and hold up a profile drawing of Kanye West ]
This is my SNL monologue.
La la
La la la la
This is… my SNL monologue.
La la
La la la la
That was… my SNL monologue.”
[ finish ]
Taylor Swift: We have a great show! Kanye West is not here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
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