Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Penelope
Andy…..Andy Samberg
June…..Taylor Swift
Penelope…..Kristen Wiig
Deejay….Will Forte
Bride…..Abby Elliott
Groom…..Bill Hader
[ open on interior, wedding reception, Andy and June standing in the middle of the room ]
Andy: Wow… what a touching ceremony. I’ve never been to a wedding where so many people cried.
June: I know! Nicole looked SO beautiful. I’m so glad I brought tissues.
[ suddenly, Penelope sidles into the conversation, tugging at the strands of her hair ]
Penelope: I brought tissues, too… Probably more tissues than you. I also brought paper towels, a beach towel, a sponge, and a Shamwow! I used them all up, they’re wet… So, I guess Im just a little more emotional than everyone else…
Andy: Oh. Honey, this is Penelope.
June: [ not sure how to approach someone like Penelope ] Hi. I’m June. I went to high school with Nicole.
Penelope: I went to college with Nicole, so… and her parents, and her neighbors… we all lived together in a dorm… I also went to school with the deejay, too, so… I probably know everyone here a little better than you.
June: Well, it’s, uh — it’s nice to meet you.
[ cut to the deejay ]
Deejay: Hi, everybody! Two announcements. One: I hope you’re ready to boogie tonight. [ the room claps ] Two: While we wait for the bride and groom to arrive, we’d like you all to take your seats, your salads have been served.
[ Penelope sidles in holding an empty plate ]
Penelope: I already ate my salad, so… It’s my tenth salad today, so… I have a salad bar in my car!
Deejay: So, anyway, uh —
Penelope: The steering wheel is a big crouton! And it runs on bleu cheese dressing.
[ cut to Andy and June seated at a table ]
Andy: Wow, this table is beautiful. Look at all these cute little boxes.
June: My God, they are so cute… [ she opens one of the boxes ] Oh, my God! They have M&Ms in them!
Penelope: [ now seated next to them ] At my wedding, we had M&M&Ms, so… Just a few more Ms on our candy, so a little bit bigger, a little better. We also had L&L and O&O and Q&Qs… It’s a little better than M&Ms… they’re from Iceland, they’re known for their chocolate.
Andy: Really.
[ cut to the deejay ]
Deejay: Alright, everybody, it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for! If I could get you to look that way!
[ cut to Penelope, wearing horse blinders ]
Penelope: I’m already looking that way already, so… It’s the only way I’m looking, so I guess I’m just a little more focused than everyone else.
June: [ aghast ] Are those horse blinders?! Really?!
Deejay: Now, everyone, I would like to introduce for the VERY fist time ever: Mr. & Mrs. Nicole and Steve Parker!
[ the happy couple enters the room, as Todd Rundgren’s “Band On the Drum All Day” plays ]
June: They look so cute!
[ the couple raise their arms triumphantly, then, all of a sudden, Penelope is squeezed between them holding up her arms linked within theirs ]
June: Oh, my God! What is she doing?!
Bride: Thanks so much for coming, everyone! It means so much that you’re all here tonight!
Groom: Yeah, but don’t drink too much, I still have to pay for the honeymoon!
Bride: Yeah!
[ Penelope pops up from the floor ]
Penelope: I just got back from my honeymoon, so… We went to the moon, actually, it’s made of honey…
[ Penelope lowers herslf out of frame ]
Groom: Well, uh — enjoy your dinners, everyone!
[ the happy couple approaches the main table ]
June: What was she doing up there? that is so rude!
Andy: June, relax, okay? Let’s just have a good time. Why don’t you clink your glass, so they have to kiss? You love doing that at weddings.
June: [ smiling ] I do love seeing people kiss at weddings!
[ they each clink their forks upon their glasses, but the sound is soon drowned out by a louder clinking ]
[ cut to Penelope clinking an oversized glass ]
[ nevertheless, the happy couple kiss ]
June: Penelope is RUINING this entire reception!
Andy: Look — you making a scene isn’t going to make it any better.
June: Well, she’s ruining their day!
[ Penelope pop up between them from the floor ]
Penelope: This is my day, so… I bought it from the government, it’s National Penelope Day in fourteen countries. The children celebrate by running into the streets. The Post Office is closed, but I still get my mail, so…
June: Really?!
Andy: Honey…
June: Wow! [ she stands to ocnfront Penelope ] “National Penelope Dat”?! [ Penelope nods ] Well, you know what? The month of June was actually named after me. And, uh, you know what else? Uh, every night before I go to sleep, I take my feet off. And if I close my eyes REAL tight, I can, uh — oh! — I can watch “Toy Story on my eyelids! And… my moms a roller coaster, and I was born in the, uh — in the 1930s! [ she begins to tug at the strands of her hair ] So what do you have to say about that, Penelope? Uhhh…
Penelope: Well, I guess all I can say is that: Before I go to sleep, my feet take me off and they go to bed! When I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies On-Demand. I can choose whatever I want, so… Its free, because I know a guy. My mom is Six Flags, my dads Busch Gardens, so… Whenever I want to, I can turn into a black-and-white movie star from the 1930s…
June: Are you serious?! Are you kidding me right now?!
Andy: [ jumping to his feet ] Why don’t we just go relax and get something to drink, okay?
June: You know what? Let’s go to the bar… I need… drinks… [ she points a finger at Penelope ] Do NOT come with us!
Andy: Let’s just go.
[ they exit to the next room ]
[ Penelope is left standing alone at the table, although she has mysteriously acquired a mink wrap ]
Penelope: I don’t need to go to the bar, because I already had fifty margaritas, so…
[ suddenly, Penelope turns into black-and-white ]
Penelope: I’m gonna get in my black-and-white car now, but I’m not gonna drive because I’m drunk. So… just a little drunk right now.
[ fade ]
