SNL Transcripts: Taylor Swift: 11/07/09: Penelope


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift


Andy…..Andy Samberg
June…..Taylor Swift
Penelope…..Kristen Wiig
Deejay….Will Forte
Bride…..Abby Elliott
Groom…..Bill Hader

[ open on interior, wedding reception, Andy and June standing in the middle of the room ]

Andy: Wow… what a touching ceremony. I’ve never been to a wedding where so many people cried.

June: I know! Nicole looked SO beautiful. I’m so glad I brought tissues.

[ suddenly, Penelope sidles into the conversation, tugging at the strands of her hair ]

Penelope: I brought tissues, too… Probably more tissues than you. I also brought paper towels, a beach towel, a sponge, and a Shamwow! I used them all up, they’re wet… So, I guess I’m just a little more emotional than everyone else…

Andy: Oh. Honey, this is Penelope.

June: [ not sure how to approach someone like Penelope ] Hi. I’m June. I went to high school with Nicole.

Penelope: I went to college with Nicole, so… and her parents, and her neighbors… we all lived together in a dorm… I also went to school with the deejay, too, so… I probably know everyone here a little better than you.

June: Well, it’s, uh — it’s nice to meet you.

[ cut to the deejay ]

Deejay: Hi, everybody! Two announcements. One: I hope you’re ready to boogie tonight. [ the room claps ] Two: While we wait for the bride and groom to arrive, we’d like you all to take your seats, your salads have been served.

[ Penelope sidles in holding an empty plate ]

Penelope: I already ate my salad, so… It’s my tenth salad today, so… I have a salad bar in my car!

Deejay: So, anyway, uh —

Penelope: The steering wheel is a big crouton! And it runs on bleu cheese dressing.

[ cut to Andy and June seated at a table ]

Andy: Wow, this table is beautiful. Look at all these cute little boxes.

June: My God, they are so cute… [ she opens one of the boxes ] Oh, my God! They have M&Ms in them!

Penelope: [ now seated next to them ] At my wedding, we had M&M&Ms, so… Just a few more Ms on our candy, so a little bit bigger, a little better. We also had L&L and O&O and Q&Qs… It’s a little better than M&Ms… they’re from Iceland, they’re known for their chocolate.

Andy: Really.

[ cut to the deejay ]

Deejay: Alright, everybody, it’s the moment we’ve been waiting for! If I could get you to look that way!

[ cut to Penelope, wearing horse blinders ]

Penelope: I’m already looking that way already, so… It’s the only way I’m looking, so I guess I’m just a little more focused than everyone else.

June: [ aghast ] Are those horse blinders?! Really?!

Deejay: Now, everyone, I would like to introduce for the VERY fist time ever: Mr. & Mrs. Nicole and Steve Parker!

[ the happy couple enters the room, as Todd Rundgren’s “Band On the Drum All Day” plays ]

June: They look so cute!

[ the couple raise their arms triumphantly, then, all of a sudden, Penelope is squeezed between them holding up her arms linked within theirs ]

June: Oh, my God! What is she doing?!

Bride: Thanks so much for coming, everyone! It means so much that you’re all here tonight!

Groom: Yeah, but don’t drink too much, I still have to pay for the honeymoon!

Bride: Yeah!

[ Penelope pops up from the floor ]

Penelope: I just got back from my honeymoon, so… We went to the moon, actually, it’s made of honey

[ Penelope lowers herslf out of frame ]

Groom: Well, uh — enjoy your dinners, everyone!

[ the happy couple approaches the main table ]

June: What was she doing up there? that is so rude!

Andy: June, relax, okay? Let’s just have a good time. Why don’t you clink your glass, so they have to kiss? You love doing that at weddings.

June: [ smiling ] I do love seeing people kiss at weddings!

[ they each clink their forks upon their glasses, but the sound is soon drowned out by a louder clinking ] [ cut to Penelope clinking an oversized glass ] [ nevertheless, the happy couple kiss ]

June: Penelope is RUINING this entire reception!

Andy: Look — you making a scene isn’t going to make it any better.

June: Well, she’s ruining their day!

[ Penelope pop up between them from the floor ]

Penelope: This is my day, so… I bought it from the government, it’s National Penelope Day in fourteen countries. The children celebrate by running into the streets. The Post Office is closed, but I still get my mail, so…

June: Really?!

Andy: Honey…

June: Wow! [ she stands to ocnfront Penelope ] “National Penelope Dat”?! [ Penelope nods ] Well, you know what? The month of June was actually named after me. And, uh, you know what else? Uh, every night before I go to sleep, I take my feet off. And if I close my eyes REAL tight, I can, uh — oh! — I can watch “Toy Story on my eyelids! And… my mom’s a roller coaster, and I was born in the, uh — in the 1930s! [ she begins to tug at the strands of her hair ] So what do you have to say about that, Penelope? Uhhh…

Penelope: Well, I guess all I can say is that: Before I go to sleep, my feet take me off and they go to bed! When I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies On-Demand. I can choose whatever I want, so… It’s free, because I know a guy. My mom is Six Flags, my dad’s Busch Gardens, so… Whenever I want to, I can turn into a black-and-white movie star from the 1930s…

June: Are you serious?! Are you kidding me right now?!

Andy: [ jumping to his feet ] Why don’t we just go relax and get something to drink, okay?

June: You know what? Let’s go to the bar… I need… drinks… [ she points a finger at Penelope ] Do NOT come with us!

Andy: Let’s just go.

[ they exit to the next room ] [ Penelope is left standing alone at the table, although she has mysteriously acquired a mink wrap ]

Penelope: I don’t need to go to the bar, because I already had fifty margaritas, so…

[ suddenly, Penelope turns into black-and-white ]

Penelope: I’m gonna get in my black-and-white car now, but I’m not gonna drive because I’m drunk. So… just a little drunk right now.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 3 / 5. Vote count: 2

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x