Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Drivers
Samantha Samuels…..Taylor Swift
[ open on gawky teenager addressing the camera in front of blue background ]
Samantha Samuels: Hi. I’m Samantha Samuels. You know, teens have gotten a lot of flak recently for DWT, or: Driving While Texting.[ cut to footage of teenager texting while driving ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: And, it’s true — driving while texting can be very dangerous.[ return to Samantha ]
Samantha Samuels: But teens aren’t the only bad drivers. In fact, many of the worst drivers… are parents. That’s why I founded: Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Driving. [ reveal product card ] Or… T.R.A.A.A.P.D. We’ll teach about such serious problems as:
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Lecturing.
Dad: Okay. Well, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start ACTING like an adult!!
Samantha Samuels: You’re driving on the sidewalk.
Dad: You — [ he looks up at the road and twists the wheel ] Whoa! Whoa![ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom, who’s reaching behind the back seat ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to get somthing out of Your Purse.
Samantha Samuels: Mom! I don’t need a tissue!
Mom: I think you do!
Samantha Samuels: Mo-o-o-o-o-mmmmm!! [ cars start honking ] STOP!![ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to Balance Hot Coffee.[ Dad places the coffee cup between his legs, then screams as it topples ] [ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Racing to Nordstrom for a Sweater Sale.
Mom: [ leaning out of window ] Out of my way, nimrods!![ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Giving the “Birds and the Bees” Talk.
Dad: And then the man will take… that erection, and… he will place it in the, uh —[ having had enough, Samantha jerks the wheel ]
Dad: Hey! No! No! You will NOT crash this car![ return to Samantha ]
Samantha Samuels: These unsafe driving habits are practiced by parents everywhere. And there’s more. Like:[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Arguing with the GPS.
GPS: Turn left.
Dad: Ah, you don’t know what you’re talking about!
GPS: Turn left.
Dad: NO!![ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While revealing Family Secrets.
Mom: You know, before me, your father was married to a Korean woman.
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving while Trying to Find a Cellphone You Dropped.[ the cellphone is ringing, as Dad roots around with one eye on the road ]
Dad: Where the hell is it?
Samantha Samuels: [ leaning forward ] I think it’s inside the dashboard.
Dad: How the hell did that happen?![ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Having a Sarcastic Conversation with the Car in Front of You.
Dad: No, no, no, no — don’t use your turn signal! After you, Your Highness! After you! [ his eyes widen ] Oh! He’s got a gun! e’s got a gun! [ he pulls Samantha under the dashboard ] [ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]
Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Singing Along to a Song You don’t Know the Lyrics to.
Mom: [ singing badly ] “Lets build a love gate. See a love frame. Do you hear doves? Is it a pain? Am I in the way…”[ return to Samantha ]
Samantha Samuels: See? Maybe teen drivers aren’t so bad after all. Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday.[ Mom steps forward ]
Mom: Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car?
Samantha Samuels: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-o-ommmm!! Get out! You’re ruining my commerical!![ product card ]
Dad V/O: This ad was paid for by Samantha Samuels… with money she stole from her dad’s desk. Samantha…![ fade ]