SNL Transcripts: Taylor Swift: 11/07/09: Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Drivers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5










09e: Taylor Swift

Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Drivers

Samantha Samuels…..Taylor Swift
Dad…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on gawky teenager addressing the camera in front of blue background ]

Samantha Samuels: Hi. I’m Samantha Samuels. You know, teens have gotten a lot of flak recently for DWT, or: Driving While Texting.

[ cut to footage of teenager texting while driving ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: And, it’s true — driving while texting can be very dangerous.

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: But teens aren’t the only bad drivers. In fact, many of the worst drivers… are parents. That’s why I founded: Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Driving. [ reveal product card ] Or… T.R.A.A.A.P.D. We’ll teach about such serious problems as:

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Lecturing.

Dad: Okay. Well, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start ACTING like an adult!!

Samantha Samuels: You’re driving on the sidewalk.

Dad: You — [ he looks up at the road and twists the wheel ] Whoa! Whoa!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom, who’s reaching behind the back seat ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to get somthing out of Your Purse.

Samantha Samuels: Mom! I don’t need a tissue!

Mom: I think you do!

Samantha Samuels: Mo-o-o-o-o-mmmmm!! [ cars start honking ] STOP!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to Balance Hot Coffee.

[ Dad places the coffee cup between his legs, then screams as it topples ] [ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Racing to Nordstrom for a Sweater Sale.

Mom: [ leaning out of window ] Out of my way, nimrods!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Giving the “Birds and the Bees” Talk.

Dad: And then the man will take… that erection, and… he will place it in the, uh —

[ having had enough, Samantha jerks the wheel ]

Dad: Hey! No! No! You will NOT crash this car!

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: These unsafe driving habits are practiced by parents everywhere. And there’s more. Like:

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Arguing with the GPS.

GPS: Turn left.

Dad: Ah, you don’t know what you’re talking about!

GPS: Turn left.

Dad: NO!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While revealing Family Secrets.

Mom: You know, before me, your father was married to a Korean woman.

[ Samantha grimaces ] [ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving while Trying to Find a Cellphone You Dropped.

[ the cellphone is ringing, as Dad roots around with one eye on the road ]

Dad: Where the hell is it?

Samantha Samuels: [ leaning forward ] I think it’s inside the dashboard.

Dad: How the hell did that happen?!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Having a Sarcastic Conversation with the Car in Front of You.

Dad: No, no, no, no — don’t use your turn signal! After you, Your Highness! After you! [ his eyes widen ] Oh! He’s got a gun! e’s got a gun! [ he pulls Samantha under the dashboard ] [ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Singing Along to a Song You don’t Know the Lyrics to.

Mom: [ singing badly ] “Let’s build a love gate. See a love frame. Do you hear doves? Is it a pain? Am I in the way…”

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: See? Maybe teen drivers aren’t so bad after all. Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday.

[ Mom steps forward ]

Mom: Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car?

Samantha Samuels: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-o-ommmm!! Get out! You’re ruining my commerical!!

[ product card ]

Dad V/O: This ad was paid for by Samantha Samuels… with money she stole from her dad’s desk. Samantha…!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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