Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 5
Whoopi Goldberg…..Kenan Thompson
Kate Gosselin…..Taylor Swift
Barbara Walters…..Nasim Pedrad
Joy Behar…..Fred Armisen
Elisabeth Hasselback…..Kristen Wiig
Nicholas Cage…..Andy Samberg
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, we’re back with hot topics. Filling in for Sherri Shepherd today is Kate Gosselin.
Kate Gosselin: Hi.
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, now, you are on a press tour for no reason. Is that right?
Kate Gosselin: Thank you Whoopi. Actually, that’s right. I’m doing lots of press.
Barbara Walters: You know Kate, for someone who has absolutely no experience in this industry, other than wrangling a bunch of kids into a mini van on camera, you seem very self assured.
Kate Gosselin: Thank you for saying that Barbara. Actually, every day I practice emphatically talking in front of a mirror.
Joy Behar: You know, the only thing that I practice in front of a mirror is sucking in my back fat. So what? Who cares?
Whoopi Goldberg: I don’t even own a mirror. The last time I looked in the mirror I gave myself one of these… And you know what was weird? The mirror gave me one of these!
Elisabeth Hasselback: Kate, I just wanna say you have beautiful hair. I’ve heard many people make fun of your hairstyle, and I think it’s beautiful. It’s like a gorgeous waterfall of human hair in the front, and in the back a patriotic fireworks display. In the front, a fun slide and in the back, an exploded hedgehog. Perfect for the busy mom with children. Beautiful hairstyle. A beautiful American hairstyle. America.
Kate Gosselin: It is. Actually, you know, the hardest thing about being a mom is having patience. Cause sometimes the paparazzi say they’re going to be someplace at ten and they don’t show up until eleven.
Elisabeth Hasselback: You’re a busy mom, with beautiful hair. It’s like the front is walking into a job interview and the back is leaving a rock concert.
Barbara Walters: Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, ladies, let’s get back to hot topics. Now this Swine Flu has become even more serious than before. There are reported cases as far away as China, India, and as I said before, China. One problem that they are foreseeing is that they’re not going to have enough of this H1N1 vaccine.
Whoopi Goldberg: Oh, H1N1, H2B4, K67B, R2D2. These cats sticking letters after numbers and numbers after letters. I don’t go to doctors. The last time I went to a doctor, he poked his head into the room and said “Are you naked yet?” and I said “Honey child, I ain’t taking off my crocks.”
Joy Behar: You know, the only shot I want is a shot of kahlua after looking at my neck wrinkles. I look like I’ve got frisbees around my neck. So what? Who cares?
Whoopi Goldberg: Uh oh. Joy, you’ve got a lot of jokes lined up for this one. I can tell by the look on your face.
Joy Behar: Okay, thanks Whoopi. Okay, here we go. The only shot I want is a shot of David Caruso getting out of the shower. Who cares? So what? My doctor told me that I have so much upper arm fat that if I was pushed out of a tree, I would glide, like a squirrel. Who cares? So what?
Kate Gosselin: Ha ha, ha ha, ha, you are so funny. Actually, you know what else is funny? How I got this hairstyle. My hairdresser was halfway through giving me the Rachel when his blowdryer exploded on the back of my head.
Elisabeth Hasselback: You guys, H1N1 is really serious. This is scary. The government cannot come into my house and tell me to get vaccinated. I put anti-bacteria gel everywhere in my house. Every corner. Every corner near my cell phone, my crepe maker, the ceiling fan, the banisters leading to my bathroom. Every corner. Every corner. Every corner. Corner. Corn-er. Every.
Barbara Walters: All right, ladies. Let’s bring out our first guest. He’s a very prominent actor, he’s starred in dozens of films, including my favorite, ghost rider, please welcome Nicholas Cage.
Nicholas Cage: Hi, hi. Hi, how are you? Hi. Thank you for having me here today.
Joy Behar: So you’re broke now, right?
Nicholas Cage: Yes I am. Uh, unfortunately my business manager made some grave errors with my money, and, uh, it’s gone.
Barbara Walters: So what’s next for Nicholas Cage?
Nicholas Cage: I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.
Barbara Walters: Really?
Nicholas Cage: Yeah, maybe there’ll be a treasure map on the back, or, uh, maybe I’ll just make another movie. You know, something where I walk around and I go, “Ah, watch out!”
Barbara Walters: Fascinating. I look forward to seeing that on the silver scream. Kate, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule. I know you have to dash off to a book signing at Barnes and Noble.
Joy Behar: Oh, you have a book out?
Kate Gosselin: Actually, no. I’m just walking up to people and asking them if they want me to sign whatever book they’re holding.
Nicholas Cage: Oh, I do that too.
Whoopi Goldberg: Okay, well, we’ll see you all tomorrow when our guests will be Kristen Stewart and Wanda Sykes.
Submitted by: Felicia Poppleton