Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 6
A Message from the Vice-President of the United States
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Vice-Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now, a Message from the Vice-President of the United States.[ dissolve to Joe Biden seated behind desk in the Oval Office ]
Joe Biden: Hey-o! Large and in charge! The President’s away, and Joe will play! [ he chuckles ] Now, as many of you know, on Thursday, the president embarked on an 8-day trip to Asia. So, for the next week, Joe’s running things!
Now, before the President left, we talked policy; mainly, the policy about the Oval Office, and how I’m not allowed in it. [ he chuckles ] So why am I here? Because Joe Biden follows his heart, not instructions. That’s right. And Joe’s got a big ol’ heart! That’s why I thought I would do something nice for the president! So, I’m gonna take one of the things — one of the major problems facing this administration — and fix it, before he gets back. Yep! Just knock it out!
Now, I know I have to keep it simple because I only have a week to fix something. So I narrowed it down to three choices: Afghanistan… the economy… or Health Care. I can get ONE of these done! Alright?
Now, let’s start with Afghanistan. I would love to fix what’s going on over there — I really would — but there’s one problem: Afghanistan is a MESS! [ he chuckles ] It can’t be fixed! Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s just a corrupt, barren, backwater hellhole of a place! I mean, it’s worse than Scranton! They’re not very good at democracy in Afghanistan. You know what they’re good at? Growing drugs. [ he chuckles ] Real good! Yeah, some people will say Afghanistan is getting better. Well, of course it is! It’s the worst place on earth! It can only GET better! Afghanistan’s a lot like the contestant on the first episode of “The Biggest Loser”! You know, just because it loses five pounds, doesn’t mean it’s suddenly Miss America. I mean, come on, she’s still a FAT GIRL! [ he chuckles ] Hey look, I’m just giving it to ya’ straight — Biden-style! That place is a mess!
Now, my second choice was to fix the economy. Now, the problem there is: we already did it! I said it once and I’ll say it again: The stimulus is working. Now I know that might be tough to swallow if you’re unemployed, but look at me! [ he waves his hand in front of his face ] The stimulus is working. Right now, there are THOUSANDS of new jobs being created every day across America. Foreclosure lawyers and repo men, temps and bankruptcy specialists. So don’t tell me no one’s hiring. The quality of the work force is improving, too. If you drive behind a Home Depot right now, you’ll find a bunch of guys back there ready to help you put in a new deck! You’re gonna find fellows with Master’s degrees, former professors, and accountants. I mean, it’s amazing. And it makes me proud to be an American.
That brings us to number three: Health Care! Now here’s something I can fix and here’s how we’re gonna do it: We’re gonna cave in like crazy. That’s right. The president wants to pass a health care bill SO BAD… that he will literally sign anything. [ he chuckles ] You could water it down however you like. As long as it’s a stack of paper with the words “Hhealth care” on it, HEY! He’ll sign it! [ he chuckles ] I mean, remember that public option that was such a big deal? Gone! Poof! What happened?
Now, there’s more! Let ol’ Joe run down the compromises we’re cool with:
First, to those Republicans who want the bill to protect doctors from medical malpractice suits, you win! We’ll agree to a provision that would make it ILLEGAL to ever sue a doctor, and I mean EVER! If you need a new arm and he puts a leg on there by mistake, sorry! Hey, it’s better than nothing! You’ll just have to walk back home sideways. Put it in there. We will sign it!
Some folks are mad as hell that this health care plan might cover illegal immigrants. Fine! Fine! We’ll do whatever it takes to appease you immigration hardliners. You want to make sure that no copies of the bill will be printed in Spanish? Okay! Heck, how about a provision that forbids the treatment of any children under three who have their ears pierced? Put it in! We’ll sign it! We gotta pass this puppy!
Now, a lot of you are concerned that this is gonna cost taxpayers billions of dollars. Don’t worry! Ol’ Joe’s got you covered. I’m gonna ask that the Senate bill include a middle class tax cut, which is ALWAYS popular with both Democrats and Republicans. Now, some of you out there are asking, “Joe, how are you gonna pay for a $1.2 trillion plan by cutting taxes?”[ he pauses, as if considering a response, then continues without answering ]
Finally… because I know how important a bipartisan bill is to this president, I want to make an offer to the first Republican senator to come across the aisle and sign on to this bill. You can write one provision of your own in the bill and seal it in this envelope, right here. [ he holds up an envelope marked “CONFIDENTIAL” ] I promise I won’t show it to the president until after he signs the bill into law. It can be whatever you want. You want a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage? I don’t know, that’s fine. Maybe a national holiday for Kenny Chesney, or a law that makes it illegal to be Nancy Pelosi. Whatever! Sky’s the limit! The important thing is that, when the big man gets back, he focuses on how I got the bill passed, and not on who picked the locks in the Oval Office.
And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”