Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 6
09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Sarah Reynolds…..January Jones
[ open on anchorman Gil in the WIIX studio ]
Gil: Well, I can tell you ONE thing: No one loves the Main Street Basket Festival more than this guy! [ he points to himself and chuckles, then glances off-screen and shrugs ] And now, I’m happy to announce the return, once again, of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence, but now she’s back and here she is — Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle![ cut to Michelle Dison standing in front of a Dairy Queen ]
Michelle Dison: Thanks, Gil. It’s good to be back. Today, I am so excited to meet and introduce to you a real hometown hero. This Dairy Queen I’m standing on front of was held up at gunpoint, and if it wasn’t for the bravery of one DQ employee, that dangerous criminal would still be at large. Let’s meet her! Sarah Reynolds![ Sarah Reynolds awkwardly steps forward, giggling ]
Sarah Reynolds: Hi! Oh, my God! I can’t believe I’m on the television news! Hi, Nana! Hi, Aunt Pauline!
Michelle Dison: Wow! [ she holds her gaze on Sarah, then comes back to Earth ] Sorry. Uhh — I went somewhere! [ she laughs ] Um — uh — walk us through what happened today.
Sarah Reynolds: Yes, Ma’am. Uhhh — I was cleaning up a rainbow sprinkles spill, and, all of a sudden, a man in a ski mask BURST IN!
Michelle Dison: [ riveted ] Really?! Cool! [ she smiles ] You’re funny! [ she shakes her head ] Uh — I’m sorry. I, uh — I — I didn’t hear a word you said! [ she laughs ] I was, uh, staring at your mouth! I was looking at your lips. I — I didn’t hear you.[ cut to Gil in the studio, holding his shaking head in his hands ] [ return to Michelle ]
Michelle Dison: Um — j-j-just continue.
Sarah Reynolds: Anyway, he came up to me, pulled out a gun, and pushed it into my face.
Michelle Dison: Not your pretty face! [ she laughs ] I like it! Your face! FACE it! Let’s face it together! Let’s face each other in the dark! [ she laughs, then regains her composure ] I mean, uhh — if — if it’s dark, and I had your face, uh, I’d have to kiss myself! What am I — ? What I’m saying is, you have — you have good genes. And you have good jeans! [ she laughs ] You look good in your jeans! [ she laughs ] I mean, a lot of people do… but you — you do! I love jeans! I’m into jeans! I am into your jeans! [ she shakes her head ] No. I am not — I am not in your jeans now. Why — why would I be in your jeans? [ she laughs] Sorry, Gene!
Gil: No, it’s Gil.[ return to Michelle ]
Michelle Dison: Back to me — Michelle!
Sarah Reynolds: Uhh — so, he has a gun in my face, and I completely panicked! Completely —
Michelle Dison: I’m sorry — I just have to say, uhh — you could be in the movies! [ she laughs ] But just don’t move to L.A., that’s too far away from me! [ she laughs ] No, I mean, I — I don’t, uh — I don’t know you. You can move wherever you want! [ she laughs ] But if you did move, I would help you pack! [ she laughs ] And we could wear, uh, overalls with nothing under them! [ she laughs, and shakes her head ] No. not nothing. We could just wear… flesh-toned tanktops! so, uh — so it looks like nothing!
Sarah Reynolds: Flesh-toned tanktops? What?!
Michelle Dison: Uhh — you would look really good in a flesh-toned tanktop! [ she laughs ] Sorry. Uh — what’d you do next?
Sarah Reynolds: Uhh — well, without thinking, I just grabbed a hot crock of butterscotch dip, and I just FLUNG it in his face!
Michelle Dison: HEIGH-OHHHHHH!!! You smell good! [ she laughs ] A little breeze just brought some of your… scent my way. [ she laughs ] Are you, uh, are you wearing perfume?
Sarah Reynolds: No. Just a little… body oil?
Michelle Dison: [ she nods her head profusely ] Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.[ cut to Gil, open-mouth stunned ] [ return to Michelle ]
Michelle Dison: Okay.
Sarah Reynolds: Are you alright?
Michelle Dison: [ in a whisper ] Okay.[ return to Gil ]
Gil: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, she’s fine! Look, I’m gonna, uh, I’m gonna jump in here! So, Sarah, you managed to dial 9-1-1 —[ cut back to Michelle ]
Michelle Dison: [ interrupting ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You dial 9-1-1, the cops come, the bad guy’s in jail, you’re a hero — boom! You’re probably hungey! I’m famished! We’ve both had a rough day! [ she giggles ] One more question: uh, do you like Red Lobster?
Sarah Reynolds: [ confused ] What?
Michelle Dison: The restuarant. Red Lobster. [ she laughs ] I bet you do, ’cause you watch what you eat! [ she laughs ] You look like a mannequin! I’m gonna take clothes off of you! [ she laughs, then shakes her head ] No… no. Not off of you as a person. Just you… as a mannequin… would make clothes look so appealing, I would want that outfit off of you… for me… to have… on… myself. [ she laughs ] But you’re smaller than I am, so… I could just EAT YOU! [ she laughs ] You could fit inside me! Get inside me! [ she laughs ] [ cut to Gil, staring wide-eyed while biting a pencil ] [ return to Michelle ]
Michelle Dison: Uh — uh — uh — no, I’m not saying that — I mean, as a food. Uh — speaking of food, let’s hit it! [ she laughs ] Let’s hit the lob! [ she sings: ] “The Red Lo-o-o-o-ob!”
Sarah Reynolds: [ nervously ] Are we done?
Michelle Dison: I should tell you, uh — so we can talk about other things at dinner — I have had a rough half-year. Uh, short story short: My ex-husband left me again, this time for a haircut photographer. Uh, so I am not in the best place right now. [ she laughs ]
Sarah Reynolds: Well, you know, I think I’d better go, uh — Nana and Aunt Pauline, I’m coming home!
Michelle Dison: [ squealing ] And I’m gonna drive her! [ she laughs ] Let’s go together! [ singing ] “Get out of my dream, and get into my car!” [ she laughs ] Billy Ocean! Let’s go to the ocean! Or we could eat food from the ocean — at the Lob! [ she laughs ] Uh — again, that’s short for… The Red Lobster. [ she laughs ]
Sarah Reynolds: Michelle, I just gotta say… when that man put his gun in my face, that was the most freaked-out that I’ve ever been in my life — until I started talking to you. You too kthe worst day of my life, put it in a waffle cone, and dumped a bunch of creep sprinkles all over it. I hope you get some help.[ Sarah exits the scene ]
Michelle Dison: [ glumly ] Gil?
Michelle Dison: Uh — did that go okay?
Gil: No. Nothing about it did.
Michelle Dison: [ waving her arm ] Oh! There’s a bee! I’m allergic! Oh, my god! It went in my shirt! [ she screams as she whips her shirt off, revealing herself half-naked in her bra; she clumsily covers herself and tries to regain her composure ] Gil?
Gil: And there it is! Thanks, Michelle! See you in another… month.[ fade ]
Was this written by Don Roy King? I’m not sure whether “author” refers to the writer or simply the person who posted it. It’s brilliant.