SNL Transcripts: January Jones: 11/14/09: A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a Party


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a Party

Marjorie Pettibone…..January Jones
Husband…..Bill Hader
Guests…..Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Jenny Slate

[ title card: “A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a Party, with Marjorie Pettibone, Crown Instructional Films, Copyright 1952” ] [ open on 50’s housewife Marjorie seated at her kitchen table ]

Marjorie Pettibone: Hello! I’m Marjorie Pettibone. Inthis modern age, a lady faces many challenges, none greater than hosting the perfect cocktail party.

[ cut to Marjorie standing in her kitchen, as her husband enters ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Party planning begins in the morning, when your husband tells you you are throwing one. This is great news! Before he goes, hand him his briefcase and newspaper.

[ she hands him these items and leans in for a kiss on the cheek that isn’t delivered ] [ cut back to Marjorie seated and addressing the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: Avoid looking at the newspaper, as it may give you ideas.

[ cut to close-up of notepad, with list: “TO DO: 1. Make Food, 2. Mix Drinks, 3. Do Bust Exercises, 4. Shock Therapy” ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: There’s so much to do:

Hollow out a pineapple, and fill it with shrimp salad.

Make a 20-pound gelatin, and fill it with beef and marshmallows.

Whip up a fun Polynesian punch: 1 part maraschino cherries, 1 part fresh orange juice [ from a concentrate can ], and a dash of gin! [ an entire bottle of Beefeater is poured into the bowl ] [ cut to Marjorie finally doing her bust exercises ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: There’s still time for a few quick buster exercises…

[ the doorbell rings ]

Marjorie Pettibone: [ she stops ] And the guests are here!

[ cut to Marjorie standing to greet each incoming guest, as her husband sits comfortably behind her with a drink in hand ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: A lady knows how to greet each individual guest in accordance with their social standing:

Greet men by the word “Mister”, followed by their full name.

Greet women by their husband’s name, or not at all.

Greet a divorced woman by her attorney’s name. Be sure to make note of the flaws in her figure and bust that brought about the divorce, so that you may learn from them.

Homosexuals should be addressed as “Missus, or “Miss”, depending on their age.

Address cats by their full name, but dogs AS “Mister” and then their dog name. Because cats are girls and dogs are boys.

When greeting a Jewish person, please bear in mind that, like Italians, they tend to speak with their hands. It is important to give them two arms’ length of ethnic distance so that they may complete their gestures.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: If a black person arrives… [ she shakes her head and laughs ] Just kidding. A black person won’t arrive. That’s an example of party humor.

[ cut to various examples of party interaction ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: The party is in full swing now, and everyone is having a gas. Nod and smile as your husband tells a humorous story. [ she smiles, despite the dirty gesture he makes regarding her anatomy ] There you go.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: After a few drinks, it is time to wake the children.

[ show Marjorie leading the kids around the room, to the delight of everyone there ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Put them in hats, and parade them once around the room in a single loop, and then the kids can go back to bed until the next party.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: After a long night of smoking cigarettes and eating gelatin, you may feel the urge to visit the powder room. A lady does not do this while company is present. Wait until all your guests have gone home and the house has been cleaned, then you may go to the woods to relieve yourself. If it ends up being diarrhea, you must leave society and live in the woods as an animal. Never return.

[ show more scenes of party interaction, including Marjorie’s husband openly flirting with one of the female guests ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: The party is a grand success, and your husband is very happy. You’ve entertained your friends, and kept a cool head throughout.

[ cut to Marjorie smiling in the kitcehn as she lights a cigarette ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Life is truly grand.

[ iris to end title card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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