SNL Transcripts: January Jones: 11/14/09: January Jones’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

January Jones’ Monologue

…..January Jones
Mad Mennies…..Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen
Joan…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — January Jones!

January Jones: Thank you! Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Most of you probably know me from the show “Mad Men”, where I plair — play the hilarious Betty Draper. [ barely audible smattering of applause ] “Mad Men” is about advertising exit — executives in the 1960’s, and, although we’re on a cable network, we still have a very loyal following.

[ three guys in the audience, dressed like Mad Men, stand up with lit cigarettes and Scotch glasses in their hands, chanting “Betty! Betty! Betty!”

January Jones: Aw. It’s our super fans. They’re called Mad Mennies.

Mad Mennies: [ simultaneously ] Hey! Hey! Hello! Martini? You want a cigarette?

January Jones: Mad Mennies are such fanatics, they dress up like the characters and memorize every episode. They’re like Trekkies.

Mad Mennie #1: [ chuckling heartily ] Trekkies are LOSERS who live with their parents and pretend they’re in SPACE!

Mad Mennie #2: Yeah! Weeee live with our parents and pretend we’re in advertising. MUCH cooler!

January Jones: Yeah. Well, I’m very flattered that you like the show so much.

Mad Mennie #3: What? Like it? We LOVE it!!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! That’s why we all learned how to SMOKE!

[ they clumsily puff their cigarettes and cough ]

January Jones: That’s very impressive.

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah, we, uh, even have a “Mad Men” drinking game!

Mad Mennie #2: We drink every time a character drinks.

Mad Mennie #3: Yeah, we never finish an episode, though — we’re always blacking out!

[ they laugh collectively ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! Do Betty for us!

Mad Mennie #2: Bo Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it!

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Do Betty!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Guys, I’m not gonna do Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it! Say “Don.”

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! Say “Don”!

Together: “Don!” Don!” “Don!”

January Jones: Fine. [ she lowers her head, then raises up her stone face ] “Don.”

[ the guys laugh with great pleasure, still chanting “Don!” “Don!” ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! That’s why you’re our favorite. Betty.

Mad Mennie #2: It’s Betty, all the way.

Mad Mennie #3: [ a beat ] I like Peggy.

[ Mad Mennie #2 gives Man Mennie #3 a dirty look for dissenting from group opinion ]

January Jones: Ah, me, too! [ she laughs ] Alright, gentlemen, thank you for coming —

Mad Mennie #3: Wait, wait, hold on! Wait a second! Let us at least sing you the, uh, them song, huh?

January Jones: But our theme song doesn’t have lyrics.

Mad Mennie #2: [ proudly ] We wrote lyrics!

Mad Mennie #3: Let us sing it for ya’, huh?

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Please? Come on, Bets! Bets!

Mad Mennie #3: Come on!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah? Alright!

[ the guys rush onto the stage ]

Mad Mennie #1: [ holding a card in front of January ] Here’s the words right here — oh! Wait, wait, wait! We need our Joan! Where’s Joanie?

[ suddenly, Joan sashays up the stage and balances herself next to the guys ]

Joan: I’m Joan!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know!

Mad Mennie #3: Okay, ready? 2! 3! 4!

Together: [ singing ]“Mad Men! Mad Men!
60’s! Cigarettes!
Thin, tight, short hair!
Mad Men! Ma-a-a-ad men!”

January Jones: Wow! Thank you, Mad Mennies! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — the Black Eyed Peas are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

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