Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 6
January Jones’ Monologue
Mad Mennies…..Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen
Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — January Jones!
January Jones: Thank you! Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Most of you probably know me from the show “Mad Men”, where I plair — play the hilarious Betty Draper. [ barely audible smattering of applause ] “Mad Men” is about advertising exit — executives in the 1960’s, and, although we’re on a cable network, we still have a very loyal following.
[ three guys in the audience, dressed like Mad Men, stand up with lit cigarettes and Scotch glasses in their hands, chanting “Betty! Betty! Betty!”
January Jones: Aw. It’s our super fans. They’re called Mad Mennies.
Mad Mennies: [ simultaneously ] Hey! Hey! Hello! Martini? You want a cigarette?
January Jones: Mad Mennies are such fanatics, they dress up like the characters and memorize every episode. They’re like Trekkies.
Mad Mennie #1: [ chuckling heartily ] Trekkies are LOSERS who live with their parents and pretend they’re in SPACE!
Mad Mennie #2: Yeah! Weeee live with our parents and pretend we’re in advertising. MUCH cooler!
January Jones: Yeah. Well, I’m very flattered that you like the show so much.
Mad Mennie #3: What? Like it? We LOVE it!!
Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! That’s why we all learned how to SMOKE!
[ they clumsily puff their cigarettes and cough ]
January Jones: That’s very impressive.
Mad Mennie #1: Yeah, we, uh, even have a “Mad Men” drinking game!
Mad Mennie #2: We drink every time a character drinks.
Mad Mennie #3: Yeah, we never finish an episode, though — we’re always blacking out!
[ they laugh collectively ]
Mad Mennie #1: Hey! Do Betty for us!
Mad Mennie #2: Bo Betty!
Mad Mennie #3: Do it!
Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Do Betty!
January Jones: [ laughing ] Guys, I’m not gonna do Betty!
Mad Mennie #3: Do it! Say “Don.”
Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! Say “Don”!
Together: “Don!” Don!” “Don!”
January Jones: Fine. [ she lowers her head, then raises up her stone face ] “Don.”
[ the guys laugh with great pleasure, still chanting “Don!” “Don!” ]
Mad Mennie #1: Hey! That’s why you’re our favorite. Betty.
Mad Mennie #2: It’s Betty, all the way.
Mad Mennie #3: [ a beat ] I like Peggy.
[ Mad Mennie #2 gives Man Mennie #3 a dirty look for dissenting from group opinion ]
January Jones: Ah, me, too! [ she laughs ] Alright, gentlemen, thank you for coming —
Mad Mennie #3: Wait, wait, hold on! Wait a second! Let us at least sing you the, uh, them song, huh?
January Jones: But our theme song doesn’t have lyrics.
Mad Mennie #2: [ proudly ] We wrote lyrics!
Mad Mennie #3: Let us sing it for ya’, huh?
Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Please? Come on, Bets! Bets!
Mad Mennie #3: Come on!
Mad Mennie #1: Yeah? Alright!
[ the guys rush onto the stage ]
Mad Mennie #1: [ holding a card in front of January ] Here’s the words right here — oh! Wait, wait, wait! We need our Joan! Where’s Joanie?
[ suddenly, Joan sashays up the stage and balances herself next to the guys ]
Joan: I’m Joan!
January Jones: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know!
Mad Mennie #3: Okay, ready? 2! 3! 4!
Together: [ singing ]
“Mad Men! Mad Men!
Thin, tight, short hair!
Mad Men! Ma-a-a-ad men!”
January Jones: Wow! Thank you, Mad Mennies! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — the Black Eyed Peas are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.