SNL Transcripts: January Jones: 11/14/09: January Jones’ Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

January Jones’ Monologue

…..January Jones
Mad Mennies…..Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen
Joan…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — January Jones!

January Jones: Thank you! Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Most of you probably know me from the show “Mad Men”, where I plair — play the hilarious Betty Draper. [ barely audible smattering of applause ] “Mad Men” is about advertising exit — executives in the 1960’s, and, although we’re on a cable network, we still have a very loyal following.

[ three guys in the audience, dressed like Mad Men, stand up with lit cigarettes and Scotch glasses in their hands, chanting “Betty! Betty! Betty!”

January Jones: Aw. It’s our super fans. They’re called Mad Mennies.

Mad Mennies: [ simultaneously ] Hey! Hey! Hello! Martini? You want a cigarette?

January Jones: Mad Mennies are such fanatics, they dress up like the characters and memorize every episode. They’re like Trekkies.

Mad Mennie #1: [ chuckling heartily ] Trekkies are LOSERS who live with their parents and pretend they’re in SPACE!

Mad Mennie #2: Yeah! Weeee live with our parents and pretend we’re in advertising. MUCH cooler!

January Jones: Yeah. Well, I’m very flattered that you like the show so much.

Mad Mennie #3: What? Like it? We LOVE it!!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! That’s why we all learned how to SMOKE!

[ they clumsily puff their cigarettes and cough ]

January Jones: That’s very impressive.

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah, we, uh, even have a “Mad Men” drinking game!

Mad Mennie #2: We drink every time a character drinks.

Mad Mennie #3: Yeah, we never finish an episode, though — we’re always blacking out!

[ they laugh collectively ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! Do Betty for us!

Mad Mennie #2: Bo Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it!

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Do Betty!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Guys, I’m not gonna do Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it! Say “Don.”

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! Say “Don”!

Together: “Don!” Don!” “Don!”

January Jones: Fine. [ she lowers her head, then raises up her stone face ] “Don.”

[ the guys laugh with great pleasure, still chanting “Don!” “Don!” ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! That’s why you’re our favorite. Betty.

Mad Mennie #2: It’s Betty, all the way.

Mad Mennie #3: [ a beat ] I like Peggy.

[ Mad Mennie #2 gives Man Mennie #3 a dirty look for dissenting from group opinion ]

January Jones: Ah, me, too! [ she laughs ] Alright, gentlemen, thank you for coming —

Mad Mennie #3: Wait, wait, hold on! Wait a second! Let us at least sing you the, uh, them song, huh?

January Jones: But our theme song doesn’t have lyrics.

Mad Mennie #2: [ proudly ] We wrote lyrics!

Mad Mennie #3: Let us sing it for ya’, huh?

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Please? Come on, Bets! Bets!

Mad Mennie #3: Come on!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah? Alright!

[ the guys rush onto the stage ]

Mad Mennie #1: [ holding a card in front of January ] Here’s the words right here — oh! Wait, wait, wait! We need our Joan! Where’s Joanie?

[ suddenly, Joan sashays up the stage and balances herself next to the guys ]

Joan: I’m Joan!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know!

Mad Mennie #3: Okay, ready? 2! 3! 4!

Together: [ singing ]“Mad Men! Mad Men!
60’s! Cigarettes!
Thin, tight, short hair!
Mad Men! Ma-a-a-ad men!”

January Jones: Wow! Thank you, Mad Mennies! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — the Black Eyed Peas are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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