SNL Transcripts: January Jones: 11/14/09: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

An SNL Digital Short

Fred…..Fred Armisen
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Date…..Nasim Pedrad

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway of Fred and Andy’s apartment, as Fred makes his way toward the bathroom ]

[ Fred opens the door, only to find a stunned Andy sitting on the toilet holding a newspaper ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: [ cowering in embarrassment ] Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Andy: Get out of here! Close the door! Get out!

[ Fred quickly closes the bathroom door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? [ he knocks again ] Hello? Coming in. Anybody?

[ Fred keeps knocking, then, satisfied the bathroom is inoccupado, he opens the door ]

[ inside, Andy is seated on the toilet rocking out to the music on his headphones; he reacts to Fred’s intrusion ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: I knocked! I knocked!

Andy: I had HEADPHONES on!! Get out!!

[ Fred retreats and shuts the door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building, night ]

[ dissolve to Fred and his date walking down the hallway outside of his apartment, as he opens the door ]

Fred: This is my place.

Date: Cool!

[ they enter the apartment ]

Date: [ shocked ] Oh!

[ reveal Andy seated on a toilet in the living room, reading a newspaper, “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” playing in the background ]

Andy: Oh! No! Someone’s in here! Get out! Get ou-out!!

[ Fred and his retreat to the outer hallway and shut the door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to Fred standing outside the elevator; he presses the button ]

[ the elevator doors open, revealing Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy: Get out of here!!

Fred: Sorry! [ he covers his eyes ]

Andy: Get ou-out!!

[ Andy presses the button to close the elevator doors ]

[ cut to exterior, gym, night ]

[ dissolve to Fred running on a treadmill ]

Andy: I said get out of here!!

[ reveal Andy seated on toilet at next treadmill over ]

Fred: Sorry…

Andy: come on, dude!

[ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, night ]

[ dissolve to front walk, as Fred steps out of the building ]

Andy’s Voice: Hey!!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated on toilet on the sidewalk ]

Andy: I’m out here!! Come on!!

[ Fred turns and re-enters the building ]

[ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, day ]

[ dissolve to Fred walking down the hall, as he passes a monitor with an image of Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy (on monitor): Someone’s in here!

Fred: [ confused ] What?

Andy (on monitor): Hey!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated before videocamera a few feet down the hall ]

Andy: I said someone’s in here, man!

Fred: I’m sorry!

Andy: Go! Get out!

[ Fred retreats down the hall ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? Roomie? [ no answer ] I know you’re at work, so… you cannot be in there. I know I’m just talking to myself right now. [ he pushes the door open slowly, revealing no one inside ] You’re not in there, right? okay. Alright.

[ Fred enters the bathroom and shuts the door behind him ]

[ Fred turns his back to the toilet, drops his pants, and sits down — right onto Andy’s lap ]

Andy: DUDE!!

[ both guys begin to scream at the horror, as a full shot reveals Fred seated on Andy’s lap ]

Fred: I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!!

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts