SNL Transcripts: January Jones: 11/14/09: An SNL Digital Short

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6
















09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

An SNL Digital Short

Fred…..Fred Armisen
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Date…..Nasim Pedrad

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on exterior, apartment building ] [ dissolve to interior hallway of Fred and Andy’s apartment, as Fred makes his way toward the bathroom ] [ Fred opens the door, only to find a stunned Andy sitting on the toilet holding a newspaper ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: [ cowering in embarrassment ] Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Andy: Get out of here! Close the door! Get out!

[ Fred quickly closes the bathroom door ] [ cut to exterior, apartment building ] [ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? [ he knocks again ] Hello? Coming in. Anybody?

[ Fred keeps knocking, then, satisfied the bathroom is inoccupado, he opens the door ] [ inside, Andy is seated on the toilet rocking out to the music on his headphones; he reacts to Fred’s intrusion ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: I knocked! I knocked!

Andy: I had HEADPHONES on!! Get out!!

[ Fred retreats and shuts the door ] [ cut to exterior, apartment building, night ] [ dissolve to Fred and his date walking down the hallway outside of his apartment, as he opens the door ]

Fred: This is my place.

Date: Cool!

[ they enter the apartment ]

Date: [ shocked ] Oh!

[ reveal Andy seated on a toilet in the living room, reading a newspaper, “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” playing in the background ]

Andy: Oh! No! Someone’s in here! Get out! Get ou-out!!

[ Fred and his retreat to the outer hallway and shut the door ] [ cut to exterior, apartment building ] [ dissolve to Fred standing outside the elevator; he presses the button ] [ the elevator doors open, revealing Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy: Get out of here!!

Fred: Sorry! [ he covers his eyes ]

Andy: Get ou-out!!

[ Andy presses the button to close the elevator doors ] [ cut to exterior, gym, night ] [ dissolve to Fred running on a treadmill ]

Andy: I said get out of here!!

[ reveal Andy seated on toilet at next treadmill over ]

Fred: Sorry…

Andy: come on, dude!

[ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, night ] [ dissolve to front walk, as Fred steps out of the building ]

Andy’s Voice: Hey!!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated on toilet on the sidewalk ]

Andy: I’m out here!! Come on!!

[ Fred turns and re-enters the building ] [ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, day ] [ dissolve to Fred walking down the hall, as he passes a monitor with an image of Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy (on monitor): Someone’s in here!

Fred: [ confused ] What?

Andy (on monitor): Hey!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated before videocamera a few feet down the hall ]

Andy: I said someone’s in here, man!

Fred: I’m sorry!

Andy: Go! Get out!

[ Fred retreats down the hall ] [ cut to exterior, apartment building ] [ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? Roomie? [ no answer ] I know you’re at work, so… you cannot be in there. I know I’m just talking to myself right now. [ he pushes the door open slowly, revealing no one inside ] You’re not in there, right? okay. Alright.

[ Fred enters the bathroom and shuts the door behind him ] [ Fred turns his back to the toilet, drops his pants, and sits down — right onto Andy’s lap ]

Andy: DUDE!!

[ both guys begin to scream at the horror, as a full shot reveals Fred seated on Andy’s lap ]

Fred: I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!!

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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