SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 11/21/09: Sarcastic Thanksgiving Dinner

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7








09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Sarcastic Thanksgiving Dinner

Nancy…..Abby Elliott
Judith…..Kristen Wiig
Steve…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Terry…..Will Forte
Phil…..Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a shot of a house at night. Cut to inside the house and there is a family eating Thanksgiving dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere at the table]

Nancy: Anyone care for another helping of creamed beans? [silence] Phil, beans? [ Angry, Phil shows his plate full of beans] Terry? Creamed beans?

Terry: [offended] What?

Nancy: More beans?

Terry: No, Nancy.

Nancy: I slave for days in that kitchen…

Steve: We know mom! You said it a million times.

[tense silence]

Judith: A lot of traffic coming here tonight. Must be a concert.

Phil: [dripping sarcasm] Oh! Wow! Thank you!

Terry: [snippy] So apparently….

[Everyone jumps on Judith’s ass talking at once, Judith gets up to leave the table]

Phil: SIT DOWN!

Terry: SIT DOWN!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!

Steve: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Come on Judith! Sit down!

[Judith fuming sits down] [tense silence]

Nancy: Steven, since it is Thanksgiving and you’re the only son who made it here today, would you like to do the traditional Thanksgiving toast?

Steve: No.

Nancy: You have nothing to say?

Steve: Nope.

Nancy: So, no?

Steve: Nope.

Judith: He said no.

[Hateful looks back and forth between Nancy and Judith] [tense silence]

Terry: So, I, uh, brought a pumpkin cheesecake. Anyone ever try that? Pumpkin cheesecake?

Judith: I’ve had pumpkin cheesecake.

[Sarcasm from everybody towards Judith]

Phil: Really? Wow!

Terry: I want to hear everything about it! Pumpkin cheesecake? I want the recipe!

[All talking at once. Judith gets up to leave the table]

Terry: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Come on!

Steve: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Sit down! In your chair, Judith!

[Fuming Judith sits down]

Nancy: More wine?

[Everyone raises their glasses]

Phil: Yes, please!

Terry: Yes.

Steve: Yes.

Judith: Yes.

Steve: [drinks] Um, Nectar of the gods.

Phil: [annoyed] Ugh, come on. Don’t say nectar.

Steve: It’s what we call it on the cruise ship.

[sarcasm towards Steven]

Phil: Oh! Cruise ship!

Terry: Congratulations!

Phil: Nobody cares!

Steve: Well, at least I’m not in jail like Judith’s son.

Judith: You know what?

[Judith gets up to leave and everyone jumps on her ass again]

Phil: SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!

Terry: SIT DOWN! COME ON!

[Judith sits. More tense silence]

Terry: This is a nightmare.

Phil: Who said that?

Terry: I did!

Phil: Did you now?

Terry: Ye-e-eah!

Phil: This is a nightmare? You don’t know nightmares!

[Everyone talking at once, Steven gets up]

Steve: JUST STOP IT! Look at us! We’re a family and mom’s right. This is a day for being thankful. You know what? [raises glass] I do have a Thanksgiving toast. I recall the words of a wise and wonderful Native American woman that I met in my cruise ship. Words that comforted me in those first couple of lonesome weeks as a sea performer. Found out later she was actually quoting a song. Greatest song ever written. [sings Wilson Phillips hit] Someday, somebody’s is gonna make you turn around and say goodbye…

[All at the table sing, joining in harmoniously]

Everyone: Till then baby, are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry…

Phil: Don’t you know?

[Everyone has arms on each others shoulders]

Everyone: Don’t you know? Things will change, things will go your way, if you hold on for one more day. Yeah! If you ho-o-old on!

Judith: Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa….

Nancy: [angry] Oh, that’s En Vogue, Judith!

Terry: Judith, come on! You ruined it!

[Everyone shouts at Judith to sit down, Judith finally leaves, the family keeps screaming] [cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted: by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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