Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 7
Sarcastic Thanksgiving Dinner
[Opens with a shot of a house at night. Cut to inside the house and there is a family eating Thanksgiving dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere at the table]
Nancy: Anyone care for another helping of creamed beans? [silence] Phil, beans? [ Angry, Phil shows his plate full of beans] Terry? Creamed beans?
Terry: [offended] What?
Nancy: More beans?
Terry: No, Nancy.
Nancy: I slave for days in that kitchen…
Steve: We know mom! You said it a million times.[tense silence]
Judith: A lot of traffic coming here tonight. Must be a concert.
Phil: [dripping sarcasm] Oh! Wow! Thank you!
Terry: [snippy] So apparently….[Everyone jumps on Judith’s ass talking at once, Judith gets up to leave the table]
Phil: SIT DOWN!
Terry: SIT DOWN!
Nancy: SIT DOWN!
Steve: SIT DOWN!
Phil: Come on Judith! Sit down![Judith fuming sits down] [tense silence]
Nancy: Steven, since it is Thanksgiving and you’re the only son who made it here today, would you like to do the traditional Thanksgiving toast?
Nancy: You have nothing to say?
Nancy: So, no?
Judith: He said no.[Hateful looks back and forth between Nancy and Judith] [tense silence]
Terry: So, I, uh, brought a pumpkin cheesecake. Anyone ever try that? Pumpkin cheesecake?
Judith: I’ve had pumpkin cheesecake.[Sarcasm from everybody towards Judith]
Phil: Really? Wow!
Terry: I want to hear everything about it! Pumpkin cheesecake? I want the recipe![All talking at once. Judith gets up to leave the table]
Terry: SIT DOWN!
Phil: Come on!
Steve: SIT DOWN!
Phil: Sit down! In your chair, Judith![Fuming Judith sits down]
Nancy: More wine?[Everyone raises their glasses]
Phil: Yes, please!
Steve: [drinks] Um, Nectar of the gods.
Phil: [annoyed] Ugh, come on. Don’t say nectar.
Steve: It’s what we call it on the cruise ship.[sarcasm towards Steven]
Phil: Oh! Cruise ship!
Phil: Nobody cares!
Steve: Well, at least I’m not in jail like Judith’s son.
Judith: You know what?[Judith gets up to leave and everyone jumps on her ass again]
Phil: SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!
Terry: SIT DOWN! COME ON![Judith sits. More tense silence]
Terry: This is a nightmare.
Phil: Who said that?
Terry: I did!
Phil: Did you now?
Phil: This is a nightmare? You don’t know nightmares![Everyone talking at once, Steven gets up]
Steve: JUST STOP IT! Look at us! We’re a family and mom’s right. This is a day for being thankful. You know what? [raises glass] I do have a Thanksgiving toast. I recall the words of a wise and wonderful Native American woman that I met in my cruise ship. Words that comforted me in those first couple of lonesome weeks as a sea performer. Found out later she was actually quoting a song. Greatest song ever written. [sings Wilson Phillips hit] Someday, somebody’s is gonna make you turn around and say goodbye…[All at the table sing, joining in harmoniously]
Everyone: Till then baby, are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry…
Phil: Don’t you know?[Everyone has arms on each others shoulders]
Everyone: Don’t you know? Things will change, things will go your way, if you hold on for one more day. Yeah! If you ho-o-old on!
Judith: Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa….
Nancy: [angry] Oh, that’s En Vogue, Judith!
Terry: Judith, come on! You ruined it![Everyone shouts at Judith to sit down, Judith finally leaves, the family keeps screaming] [cheers and applause] [fade]
Submitted: by: Waldo San Miguel