Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 7
The Mellow Show
Jack Johnson…..Andy Samberg
Dave Matthews…..Bill Hader
Boyd Tinsley…..Kenan Thompson
Jason Mraz…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Ozzy Osbourne…..Dave Mattews
VO: And now The Mellow Show, with your host, Jack Johnson.
Jack Johnson: (singing) Super mellow show. Tune in if you like. No pressure, whatever. Its like walking on the beach, yeah. (speaking) Hi, Im Jack Johnson and welcome to The Mellow Show. Cargo shorts. Joining me on the couch today is my partner in barefooted crime, the very mellow, Dave Matthews. Hi Dave.
Dave Matthews: Hi Jack.
Jack Johnson: Hi.
Dave Matthews: Hi.
Jack Johnson: Ultimate Frisbee. Before we get started, a quick announcement, be on the lookout for Ziggy, my escaped pet gecko in a fleece jester hat. Ziggys unique in that he can both roll and smoke doobies, and he is very much at large. So Dave, I understand you have a new song for us.
Dave Matthews: I do, Jack. Its called Chicken Panini. (singing) I got a chicken Panini, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, [Enter electric violinist] Chicken Panini, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, ehhh. A toasted, melted sandwich with grilled marks for twooo. Chicken Panini!
Jack Johnson: Beautiful. Thank you for that, and thanks, of course, to your freaky fiddle player, who looks like hes from The Matrix.[Electric violinist bows and exits]
Our next guest loves shoes, almost as much as he loves hats. Please welcome, Jason Mraz.
Jason Mraz: Hi Jack.
Jack Johnson: Hi.
Jason Mraz: Hi.
Jack Johnson: Hi. Vegan cookies. So, Jason, whatve you be up to?
Jason Mraz: Well, the usual. Maintaining my avocado farm and making music for girls. Oh and Im doing a lot of scatting. [scats]
Jack Johnson: Wow that is some smooth scatting.
Jason Mraz: Scatting is good when youre too mellow to actually write lyrics.
Dave Matthews: Oh yeah. Foot five to that.[Jack and Dave foot five]
Jack Johnson: So, Jason, any new songs?
Jason Mraz: Yes, I recently composed a song called “Looking Good”.
Jack Johnson: Please style us a sample.
Jason Mraz: (singing to the tune of Im Yours) “I wanna look good so I went to the hat store. I looks at a bunch of really cool fedoras. I put one on my head. It looks great.”
Jack Johnson: That went down easier than a frosty hochata. Now another quick announcement, please keep a look out for my pet ferret, Mr. Coconut. Youll know him by his Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, and of course, he can roll and smoke doobies. Our next guest used to be very unmellow, but now he mainly just shuffles around in warm up pants. Please welcome, Mr. Ozzy Osbourne. [Ozzy enters] So Ozzy, tell us about your transformation into mellowness.
Ozzy Osbourne: Ehhh, you cant fly a bicycle and Im not an octopus having a crap in the back of a van, Im crying my bloody brains out, so mellow.
Jack Johnson: Okay. Do you have a mellow song youd like to share with us?
Ozzy Osbourne: Oh sure. This one is about taking it easy and having fun. Its called, I am tired, man. (screaming/singing) Im like 35, I wear sweatpants all the time, hang out on my own and watch a Fraizer marathon. Im taking it easy! Snacking on kettle corn. AHHHHHH.
Jack Johnson: That was not so mellow. In fact, Im pretty sure you scared Dave Matthews.
Ozzy Osbourne: Well, what doesnt scare Dave Matthews? Look at him, heeeeeeeee his stupid face and his stupid feet, and his voice makes me want to throw up in my hands.
Jack Johnson: Well, this has been fun. One last announcement. Keep your eyes peeled for my pet Komodo Dragon, Professor Munchie. Note his trademark fedora and Tiva sport sandals. If you do encounter Munchie, do not buy weed from him, as it is laced with PCP.
Ozzy Osbourne: All right!
Jack Johnson: No, no. Well thats our show. Until next time, Im Jack Johnson saying, hemp necklace. Goodbye.
Submitted by: Caper Gooden