SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 11/21/09: Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks so much.

It feels SO good to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I’ll tell you why: I started out on television. Look, this is me, fifteen years ago on the show “Third Rock From the Sun”. [ reveal old photo ] I was such a CUTE little girl!

This last year, I got to be in a film called “(500 Days) of Summer”. [ the audience cheers ] So, one of my favorite parts in that movie was, I got to do this big dance number. Shooting that was the greatest day of my life. If you haven’t seen it, don’t worry — your girlfriend has.

But I had such a good time doing it, that, when I heard two months ago that I’m hosting this show, I thought… why not open with a big number? [ a woman whoos ] Now, my favorite — thank you! My favorite musical of all time is “Singing in the Rain”. So, when I was looking for a song to do, I immediately thought of one of the BEST songs in that film: Donald O’Conner’s “Make ‘Em Laugh”. Now, if you haven’t seen that movie, don’t worry — your grandma has. It’s a GREAT performance, and, uh, with your permission, I’d like to do it tonight. [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Thank you! But, see, here’s the thing — when you get to host, the first thing you have to do is…

[ singing ]

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?
(Ha ha!)
My mom said “Be an actor, my son
But be a comic one
They’ll be standing in line
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines”

[ crew members pass by carrying a wide board, so Gordon-Levitt hops on for the ride ]

Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite
Or you can charm the critics and have nothin’ to eat
But slip on a banana peel
The world’s at your feet
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ the crew members dump Gordon-Levitt off the board and let him fall to the floor ]

[ Gordon-Levitt looks up to see Bobby Moynihan standing on the set at Stage Left ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby!

Bobby Moynihan: Hey! Welcome, Joe!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Can you believe it, man? They’re letting me do “Make ‘Em Laugh” on SNL!

Bobby Moynihan: No, I… can’t believe it.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Man, you gotta PINCH me or something, so I know I’m not dreaming!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay!

[ Bobby gives him a hard slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: That wasn’t quite a pinch.

[ Bobby gives him a harder slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Okay, that kinda hurt, actually.

[ Bobby coldcocks Gordon-Levitt across the face and knocks him to the floor ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: [ jumping to his feet ] Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

[ he continues to sing ]

Make ’em…
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh
My grandpa said, “Go out and tell ’em a joke
But give it plenty of hoke.”

Make ’em roar
Make ’em scream
Take a fall
Butt a wall
Split a seam

You start off by pretending
You’re a dancer with grace
You wiggle ’till they’re
Giggling all over the place
And then you get a… PIE in the face!
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ he opens a door to a brick wall and walks face first into it ]

Bobby Moynihan: [ rushing in ] Oh, my God! Joe! Are you okay?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m fine.

[ satisfied, Bobby coldcocks him across the face again ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?

[ he jumps in the air, falls to the floor, then spins his body in a circle on the floor ]

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[ he jumps to his feet, then collects his breath ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to a side wall, runs up the side and backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to the back wall, runs up the side and again backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laaaaaaugh, ha ha!

[ he runs into a corner wall to do the flip once more, but crashes through the breakaway wall instead ]

Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laaaaaaaaugh!

[ he falls onto his back at Home Base, then flips up onto his feet ]

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thanks for letting me do that! We’ve got a great show! The Dave Matthews Band is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

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