SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 11/21/09: Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Monologue

…..Joseph Gordon-Levitt
…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks so much.

It feels SO good to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. And I’ll tell you why: I started out on television. Look, this is me, fifteen years ago on the show “Third Rock From the Sun”. [ reveal old photo ] I was such a CUTE little girl!

This last year, I got to be in a film called “(500 Days) of Summer”. [ the audience cheers ] So, one of my favorite parts in that movie was, I got to do this big dance number. Shooting that was the greatest day of my life. If you haven’t seen it, don’t worry — your girlfriend has.

But I had such a good time doing it, that, when I heard two months ago that I’m hosting this show, I thought… why not open with a big number? [ a woman whoos ] Now, my favorite — thank you! My favorite musical of all time is “Singing in the Rain”. So, when I was looking for a song to do, I immediately thought of one of the BEST songs in that film: Donald O’Conner’s “Make ‘Em Laugh”. Now, if you haven’t seen that movie, don’t worry — your grandma has. It’s a GREAT performance, and, uh, with your permission, I’d like to do it tonight. [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Thank you! But, see, here’s the thing — when you get to host, the first thing you have to do is…

[ singing ]

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?
(Ha ha!)
My mom said “Be an actor, my son
But be a comic one
They’ll be standing in line
For those old honky tonk monkeyshines”

[ crew members pass by carrying a wide board, so Gordon-Levitt hops on for the ride ]

Now you could study Shakespeare and be quite elite
Or you can charm the critics and have nothin’ to eat
But slip on a banana peel
The world’s at your feet
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ the crew members dump Gordon-Levitt off the board and let him fall to the floor ] [ Gordon-Levitt looks up to see Bobby Moynihan standing on the set at Stage Left ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby!

Bobby Moynihan: Hey! Welcome, Joe!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Can you believe it, man? They’re letting me do “Make ‘Em Laugh” on SNL!

Bobby Moynihan: No, I… can’t believe it.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Man, you gotta PINCH me or something, so I know I’m not dreaming!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay!

[ Bobby gives him a hard slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: That wasn’t quite a pinch.

[ Bobby gives him a harder slap across the face ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Okay, that kinda hurt, actually.

[ Bobby coldcocks Gordon-Levitt across the face and knocks him to the floor ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: [ jumping to his feet ] Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

[ he continues to sing ]

Make ’em…
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh
My grandpa said, “Go out and tell ’em a joke
But give it plenty of hoke.”

Make ’em roar
Make ’em scream
Take a fall
Butt a wall
Split a seam

You start off by pretending
You’re a dancer with grace
You wiggle ’till they’re
Giggling all over the place
And then you get a… PIE in the face!
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh

[ he opens a door to a brick wall and walks face first into it ]

Bobby Moynihan: [ rushing in ] Oh, my God! Joe! Are you okay?

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Yeah. Yeah, no, I’m fine.

[ satisfied, Bobby coldcocks him across the face again ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Bobby Moynihan, ladies and gentlemen!

Make ’em laugh
Make ’em laugh
Don’t you know everyone wants to laugh?

[ he jumps in the air, falls to the floor, then spins his body in a circle on the floor ]

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[ he jumps to his feet, then collects his breath ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to a side wall, runs up the side and backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laugh, ha ha!

[ he runs to the back wall, runs up the side and again backflips on to his feet with perfect balance ]

Make ’em laaaaaaugh, ha ha!

[ he runs into a corner wall to do the flip once more, but crashes through the breakaway wall instead ]

Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laugh!
Make ’em laaaaaaaaugh!

[ he falls onto his back at Home Base, then flips up onto his feet ] [ the audience cheers wildly ]

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Thank you! Thanks for letting me do that! We’ve got a great show! The Dave Matthews Band is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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