SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 11/21/09: China Press Conference

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

China Press Conference

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hu Jintao…..Will Forte
Interpreter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on C-SPAN card ]

Announcer: We will now take you live to Beijing for the joint press conference already under way between U.S. President Obama and Chinese President Hu Jintao.

[ dissolve to the press conference setting ]

President Barack Obama: As I already said privately, uhhh — I would like to thank President Jintao for his kind welcome and generous hospitality, and I hope that during this visit we can have a productive dialogue about the serious issues of concern that remain between our two countries — issues ranging from the unfair valuation of your currency to the trade imbalance, and, most importantly, human rights. Uhhh — I believe there can be a great partnership between us, but it will require compromise and understanding.

[ in each instance, as Hu Jintao responds in Chinese, his interpreter translates into English for Obama’s benefit ]

Interpreter: Thank you, Mr. President. I would like to add that I completely understand why you feel entitled to come here and lecture China on our shortcomings. After all, my country does owe the United States a great deal of money. Oh, wait! Hold on a moment! I believe I had that backwards. In fact, now that I think about it, it is your country that owes us a large sum of money. Is this correct?

President Barack Obama: Uh… yes.

Interpreter: Now, it’s coming back to me. I believe it’s $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: That is correct.

Interpreter: Such a large sum.

President Barack Obama: Yes, it is.

Interpreter: And, yet, you haven’t even mentioned it. That’s so odd.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh, look — you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Are we? Are we going to get our money? Because, from what I read, your country is in the middle of a serious recession.

President Barack Obama: Uh, well, while this is true, there are signs that our bailout has steadied the financial markets, and our stimulus package has been effective in fixing the job crisis.

Interpreter: I’m curious: How many jobs has it created?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — so far… none.

Interpreter: I see.

President Barack Obama: But our health care reform plan — we’re confident — is going to lead to enormous savings.

Interpreter: How exactly is extending health care coverage to 30 million people going to save you money?

President Barack Obama: I… don’t know.

Interpreter: And this “Cash for Clunkers” program? I have read that you purchased many clunkers with our money.

President Barack Obama: Yes, we have.

Interpreter: What does this word “clunkers” mean?

President Barack Obama: Well, a, uh, clunker is a car —

Interpreter: I know what a “clunker” is. And, just so there is no misunderstanding, you are not allowed to pay us back in clunkers.

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: You know, as I listen to you, I am noticing that each of your plans to save money involves spending even more money. This does not inspire confidence.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: [ confused ] Sorry?

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: I don’t understand.

Interpreter: I like to be kissed… [ they raise their voices ] when someone is doing sex to me!!

President Barack Obama: [ stunned ] There’s no need for that.

Interpreter: No? You know how many uninsured we have in China? One and a quarter billion. Billion! But I’ll tell you this: We don’t owe anyone $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: Well, obviously, we take our debt to you very seriously.

Interpreter: I suppose if I really wanted to get my money, I could call and say I was a Wall Street banker who needs his bonus. But, really, why should I have to stoop to that level?

President Barack Obama: You don’t have to stoop to any level.

Interpreter: Please understand, if it were my $800 billion I wouldn’t care. But it belongs to my country. I feel like I should bring it up.

President Barack Obama: You’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Say, while you’re here, are you at least going to treat me to dinner and a movie?

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry?

Interpreter: I think it’s the polite thing to do… [ they raise their voices ] before doing sex to me!

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Mr. President, please!

Interpreter: Very well.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, that as soon we solve this economic crisis —

Interpreter: Which one? The one that your country’s reckless real estate speculation caused? That one? I just want to make sure I know which one we’re talking about.

President Barack Obama: We are taking steps to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

Interpreter: What steps?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — reform of banking regulations.

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: What?

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: Then why are you trying to… [ they raise their voices ] do sex to me like I was Mrs. Obama?

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Now, now!

Interpreter: Just do it! Get it over with!

President Barack Obama: Mr. President!

Interpreter: Don’t be a tease!

President Barack Obama: I just —

Interpreter: I can take it!

President Barack Obama: This is not the time or place!

Interpreter: Very well. In that case, I call this press conference to a close. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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