SNL Transcripts: Joseph Gordon-Levitt: 11/21/09: China Press Conference


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

China Press Conference

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Hu Jintao…..Will Forte
Interpreter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on C-SPAN card ]

Announcer: We will now take you live to Beijing for the joint press conference already under way between U.S. President Obama and Chinese President Hu Jintao.

[ dissolve to the press conference setting ]

President Barack Obama: As I already said privately, uhhh — I would like to thank President Jintao for his kind welcome and generous hospitality, and I hope that during this visit we can have a productive dialogue about the serious issues of concern that remain between our two countries — issues ranging from the unfair valuation of your currency to the trade imbalance, and, most importantly, human rights. Uhhh — I believe there can be a great partnership between us, but it will require compromise and understanding.

[ in each instance, as Hu Jintao responds in Chinese, his interpreter translates into English for Obama’s benefit ]

Interpreter: Thank you, Mr. President. I would like to add that I completely understand why you feel entitled to come here and lecture China on our shortcomings. After all, my country does owe the United States a great deal of money. Oh, wait! Hold on a moment! I believe I had that backwards. In fact, now that I think about it, it is your country that owes us a large sum of money. Is this correct?

President Barack Obama: Uh… yes.

Interpreter: Now, it’s coming back to me. I believe it’s $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: That is correct.

Interpreter: Such a large sum.

President Barack Obama: Yes, it is.

Interpreter: And, yet, you haven’t even mentioned it. That’s so odd.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh, look — you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Are we? Are we going to get our money? Because, from what I read, your country is in the middle of a serious recession.

President Barack Obama: Uh, well, while this is true, there are signs that our bailout has steadied the financial markets, and our stimulus package has been effective in fixing the job crisis.

Interpreter: I’m curious: How many jobs has it created?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — so far… none.

Interpreter: I see.

President Barack Obama: But our health care reform plan — we’re confident — is going to lead to enormous savings.

Interpreter: How exactly is extending health care coverage to 30 million people going to save you money?

President Barack Obama: I… don’t know.

Interpreter: And this “Cash for Clunkers” program? I have read that you purchased many clunkers with our money.

President Barack Obama: Yes, we have.

Interpreter: What does this word “clunkers” mean?

President Barack Obama: Well, a, uh, clunker is a car —

Interpreter: I know what a “clunker” is. And, just so there is no misunderstanding, you are not allowed to pay us back in clunkers.

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: You know, as I listen to you, I am noticing that each of your plans to save money involves spending even more money. This does not inspire confidence.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, you’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: [ confused ] Sorry?

Interpreter: Will you kiss me?

President Barack Obama: I don’t understand.

Interpreter: I like to be kissed… [ they raise their voices ] when someone is doing sex to me!!

President Barack Obama: [ stunned ] There’s no need for that.

Interpreter: No? You know how many uninsured we have in China? One and a quarter billion. Billion! But I’ll tell you this: We don’t owe anyone $800 billion.

President Barack Obama: Well, obviously, we take our debt to you very seriously.

Interpreter: I suppose if I really wanted to get my money, I could call and say I was a Wall Street banker who needs his bonus. But, really, why should I have to stoop to that level?

President Barack Obama: You don’t have to stoop to any level.

Interpreter: Please understand, if it were my $800 billion I wouldn’t care. But it belongs to my country. I feel like I should bring it up.

President Barack Obama: You’re going to get your money.

Interpreter: Say, while you’re here, are you at least going to treat me to dinner and a movie?

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry?

Interpreter: I think it’s the polite thing to do… [ they raise their voices ] before doing sex to me!

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Mr. President, please!

Interpreter: Very well.

President Barack Obama: I assure you, that as soon we solve this economic crisis —

Interpreter: Which one? The one that your country’s reckless real estate speculation caused? That one? I just want to make sure I know which one we’re talking about.

President Barack Obama: We are taking steps to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

Interpreter: What steps?

President Barack Obama: Uhhhh — reform of banking regulations.

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: What?

Interpreter: Do I look like Mrs. Obama?

President Barack Obama: Of course not.

Interpreter: Then why are you trying to… [ they raise their voices ] do sex to me like I was Mrs. Obama?

[ Hu Jintao bends over ]

President Barack Obama: Now, now!

Interpreter: Just do it! Get it over with!

President Barack Obama: Mr. President!

Interpreter: Don’t be a tease!

President Barack Obama: I just —

Interpreter: I can take it!

President Barack Obama: This is not the time or place!

Interpreter: Very well. In that case, I call this press conference to a close. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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