Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 7
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Announcer: Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:
Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than one-thousand people waited to meet her. Or, as FOX News reported it: half-a-million people.
To help pay for the health care reform bill, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed a 5% tax on all elective cosmetic surgery. Oh sure, I guess it’s easy to tax plastic surgery when you’ve already got movie-star good looks!
In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. “Hey, that’s great!” said Joe Biden. “I didn’t even know I did anything wrong!”
It was reported Monday that, while in Rome for a UN food summit, Libyan leader Moammer Kadaffi spent several hours in the company of 200 Italian women, and tried to convert them to Islam. Long story short: He’s a Catholic now.
Experts are saying that number of light smokers, or people who don’t smoke regularly or only in social situations, is on the rise. You may know these people as Liars.
Seth Meyers: Its “Green Week” here at NBC, and joining us now to discuss the issues facing the environment, former Vice President of the United States and Nobel Peace Prize Winner — Al Gore!
Al Gore: Thaank you, Seth.
Seth Meyers: Thank you for coming. So, to start, how do you feel President Obama has done so far in regards to the environment?
Al Gore: Well, Seth, there is a lot on the President’s plate right now: Health care, Afghanistan, the economy, and I understand that its hard to deal with everything at once. But, at the same time, he was elected with an overwhelming mandate. I mean, he won the popular vote, Seth, and we all know that’s the one that counts.[ the audience cheers ]
Seth Meyers: He won the other vote, too.
Al Gore: If you say so. I dont really pay attention to that. Im a popular vote guy.
Seth Meyers: Alright, I get it. So, the environment?
Al Gore: Seth, we are at a critical moment when it comes to the climate crisis. In my new book, “Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis”, I detail the ways that we can address the problem. But I also want to have a back-up plan, in case this approach does not work. And I think I brainstormed some pretty good ideas on the way over tonight.
Seth Meyers: Okay, and so what is your back-up plan?
Al Gore: Im going to start acting crazy.
Seth Meyers: Acting crazy?
Al Gore: Seth, I think its crazy that our politicians arent more worried about the climate crisis. So its time for us to out-crazy the crazy.
Seth Meyers: What do you mean?
Al Gore: Well, for example, instead of just writing a letter to a congressman, Im going to fill up a trash can with ice water and prop it up against his office door so that when he opens it, cold water splashes all over him. Then he’ll find the note I left on his desk that says: “Were melting. Love, The Glaciers.”
Seth Meyers: Alright, I dont know if thats a good idea…
Al Gore: Maybe I should show “before” and “after” pictures of Mt. Kilimanjaro, Seth. Ohhhh, thats right! I did that, and it didnt work! So, instead of science, Im going with crazy. Im going to start planting trees in politicians front yards.
Seth Meyers: That actually kind of sounds nice.
Al Gore: In the middle of the night. And tape toy guns to the branches, pointed at the door, so that when they wake up and walk out of their houses in the morning, they’ll think its the forests coming to get their revenge.
Seth Meyers: Wow. This is a new Al Gore!
Al Gore: Well look, I need to make this count, Seth. I know the score. Once a year, during “Green Week”, NBC calls up Al Gore to come on TV to talk about the environment. Thanks, by the way. I cant tell you how exciting it is to have a bully pulpit on a fourth place network.
Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Well, were happy to have you.
Al Gore: And I come out every year. I’m like Punxsutawney Phil. But you know what it means when I see my shadow? It means the Earth is dying. Have you been outside today? Its 60 degrees in late November. I mean, there’s a Christmas tree in front of this building, and guys are wearing flip flops. You cant say this isnt real!
Seth Meyers: I never said this isnt real — I said you may be taking it too far.
Al Gore: Well, maybe youre right Seth. Now that I say them out loud, my crazy ideas do sound a little too crazy. The real solution is simpler than that: We need to cut back on the burning of coal and oil, and start using renewable energy. We need to stop deforestation, and plant billions of trees. We need to start being more efficient, and stop wasting energy. We need to stop factory farming, and start using sustainable agriculture.
Seth Meyers: And if that doesnt work?
Al Gore: Im taping toy guns to trees.
Seth Meyers: Al Gore, everyone!
In an interview with a fashion industry web site, Kate Moss said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Said the rest of the world: Bacon!”
The design for George W. Bush’s Presidential Library was unveiled Wednesday in Dallas. It features a lantern-shaped roof that will glow at night. Mr. President, I don’t want to make any more jokes about you being dumb, but you have to meet me halfway: Don’t build a library where the lights are on when no one is home!
According to a new report, the peak time in which women on the New York subway system report being sexually harrassed is between 8 and 10 a.m. and 4 and 6 p.m., during what subway perverts call “Brush” Hour.
TLC has announced plans to air a new reality series called “Mall Cops: Mall of America”, which will follow security guards around as they follow Black people around.
It was announced this week that three kosher soup kitchens are opening in Brooklyn and Queens. Said one homeless Jew: [ mimes lifting a soup soon into his mouth, then waves his hand ] “Ehh.”
Zookeepers in Cleveland were surprised to discover this week that Mary, a touroise that had been in the zoo for more than fifty years, was really a male. Though no one was more surprised than Mary’s husband Todd. [ image: photoshopped tortoise with shocked expression ] [ Seth glances off-camera and nods for one more ]
Snoop Dogg was invited to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchnge Monday morning, which explains why the opening bell wasn’t rung until 4:30 on Tuesday.
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!