Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
December 5th, 2009
White House CrashersSummary: While President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) delivers a speech in Allentown, Pennsylvania, Tareq (Bobby Moynihan) and Michaele Salahi (Kristen Wiig) pose for pictures in the background.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden.
Blake Lively’s MonologueSummary: Blake Lively sings Christmas carols with Muppets Animal (Bill Hader), Gonzo (Bobby Moynihan), Beaker (Kristen Wiig), Fozzie Bear (Jason Sudeikis), Swedish Chef (Andy Samber), Zoot (Fred Armisen), and Janice (Jenny Slate).
Recurring Characters: Swedish Chef, Animal, Beaker, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Zoot.
Carter N’ Sons BBQSummary: In a commercial filmed years earlier, Ronnie Carter (Bobby Moynihan) and his clan promote Swine Fever with their all you can eat pork special.
Note: Repeat from 09e.
Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the veginal cream sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on bowling match between Donna Saint Louis (Kristen Wiig) and Michelle Rayburn-Gene (Blake Lively).
Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.
The Situation RoomSummary: Tiger Woods (Kenan Thompson) apologizes for his transgressions, while his wife (Blake Lively) repeatedly beats him up off-camera.
Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Tiger Woods.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Rihanna performs a duet with “Shy Ronnie” (Andy Samberg).
Gossip Girl: Staten IslandSummary: It’s a whole other world for Chandelier Martini (Blake Lively) and the gang on the other side of the ferry.
Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground rock festival that features viruses, pitchforks and the late Ass Dan.
Note: This sketch finally airs after being cut from the dress rehearsals of a couple of earlier episodes from this season.
Rihanna performs “Russian Roulette”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) mumbledly-jumbledly explains his new hip-hop album. Brittany Murphy (Abby Elliott) wanders behind the desk with the mistaken belief that she’s hosting tonight’s show.
Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.
Note: The Brittany Murphy commentary is cut from repeats following her unexpected death two weeks after this episode aired.
Skirt ShoppingSummary: Virginiaca Hastings (Kenan Thompson) takes her stepdaughter (Blake Lively) skirt shopping.
Recurring Characters: Virginiaca Hastings.
UPS ISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) declares that he’s a man in a lady’s wig and UPS’s gift to the world.
Late Night with Chris HansenSummary: Having captured his share of online predators, Chris Hansen (Bill Hader) now surprises unsuspecting celebrity guests on the set of his own late night talk show.
Recurring Characters: Cher, Keanu Reeves, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
UPS IISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) plans on making more commercials for UPS, and having sex with stick figure ladies.
Rihanna with Young Jeezy performs “Hard”
Potato Chip ThiefSummary: Mr. Aymong (Jason Sudeikis) applies for a job as a NASA scientist, but blows his chances when he swipes one of Mr. Greenblatt’s (Will Forte) 35 potato chips and lies about it.
Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Taylor Swift earlier in the season.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
UPS IIISummary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) again declares that he’s a man in a lady’s wig and UPS’s gift to the world.
News Team PromoSummary: News anchor (Fred Armisen) frustrates a director (Bill Hader) by not cooperating during a promo shoot.
International MasterworksSummary: Norwegian actors perform an American restaurant scene without losing their thick accents.
Paparazzi BrothersSummary: Tasked with taking photos at their family’s Christmas party, two brothers (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) tackle the assignment like they were members of the paparazzi.