SNL Transcripts: Blake Lively: 12/05/09: Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989

Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Donna Saint Louis…..Kristen Wiig
Michelle Rayburn-Gene…..Blake Lively

[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic. Come on, man… go talk to your wife and kids!

Pete Twinkle V/O: If you’re looking for hard rolling, lady bowling action — you’re in the right place! It’s the Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament! And today’s match-up is one for the ages! Featuring Donna Saint Louis! And rookie sensation “The Jackhammer”: Michelle Rayburn-Gene!

[ dissolve to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]

Pete Twinkle: Good evening! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and, boy oh boy, can this guy make one HELL of a pulled pork sandwich — Greg Stink!

Greg Stink: [ nasally ] Ah, thanks, Pete! It’s our fifth anniversary in the booth, and I got a present for ya’ — it’s a bracelet! — I’ll give it to ya’ later, it’s in my duffle!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, that’s real sweet of ya’! Why don’t we meet tonight’s players?

[ reveal Donna Saint Louis squeezing her fingers together ]

Pete Twinkle: Up first, we’ve got Donna Saint Louis! Now, Greg, correct me if I’m wrong, but, uh, hasn’t Donna been undefeated since mid-April?

Greg Stink: [ smiling like a jackass ] Haw haw, I don’t know!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, well, she has.

Greg Stink: Oh, good!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] But “The Jackhammer”, Michelle Rayburn-Gene, has taken the lead by storm!

[ reveal Michelle Rayburn-Gene spraying her hair and squatting ]

Pete Twinkle: Look at this! Movie star looks with an arm that cooks! And there’s a clever use of the hair dryer right there. Now, Greg, she got the nickname “The Jackhammer” because she throws the ball so gosh-darn hard! Have you ever seen someone so young throw so hard?

Greg Stink: Oh, I suuuure have!

Pete Twinkle: Well, do you remember any names, or specifics as to where?

Greg Stink: Come to think about it, I’m not sure! I’m gonna retract that statement! I’m NOT sure if I’ve seen someone throw that hard!

Pete Twinkle: Oh, alright! Well, don’t beat yourself up about it!

Greg Stink: Well, if I remember it, Il’l let ya’ know!

Pete Twinkle: Okay, you just keep us posted, buddy! [ he laughs ] A little SHOUT-OUT to our sponsor! Vagisil! When you get a surprise, between your thighs — Vagisil! Now, Greg, let me ask you something: How does a lady bowler get to this point?

Greg Stink: Well, if they don’t bathe enough… if they wear the same bowling pants over and over again, genetics —

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, Greg, I’m sorry, that’s my fault! That’s my fault. I, uh — I wasn’t about why someone would need to use a great product like Vagisil! I meant, how does someone become a professional bowler?

Greg Stink: Aw, NO IDEA!! [ he laughs ] Probably a long process…

Pete Twinkle: Hmm, yeah, I bet that’s true! [ he laughs ] Alright! Vagisil! When dryness lingers, get some cream on those fingers! Vagisiiiil! Okay, it looks like Donna Saint Louis is up first!

[ cut to Donna throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: Here she rolls — oh, look at that form! Great form! There’s the ball… [ she rolls a strike ] OH! And it’s a STRIKE!! Look at that! How about that, Greg! What a start, huh!

Greg Stink: Pete, she’s gotta be careful here —

Pete Twinkle: Oh, Greg, now why is that?

Greg Stink: Well, two more strikes and she is OUT of there!

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no… Now, hold on, Greg. I — you know, I think you’re thinking about baseball.

[ he laughs loudly ] Yeah, you’re probably right! I DO NOT know this game! It is an ABSOLUTE mystery to me!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, one thing that’s not a mystery is the quality of Vagisil! VAGISIL!! I scream, you scream… we ALL scream for vagina cream! [ extended beat ] VAG-I-SIL!! Let’s get back to the game! “The Jackhammer” is up!

[ cut to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: Alright, here she comes… tiny steps. Look at that big throw. There it is! Anything can happen…

[ gutter ball ]

Pete Twinkle: Ohhhh, no! Oh, not the outcome she was looking for…

[ furious, Michelle grabs a bowling ball and throws it across the air ]

Pete Twinkle: And this is where the TEMPER comes out!!

[ the bowling bowl bounces across the guys’ booth ]

Pete Twinkle: OKAY!! HOLEY MOLEY!! [ laughing ] Ho-ho-ho! EVERYBODY’S getting involved tonight!

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] What was that!

Pete Twinkle: Wha–? That was a — that was a BALL, Greg!

Greg Stink: Oh, I thought it was a bird!

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] What! What are you watching, buddy?

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I don’t know!

Pete Twinkle: Now, Greg, how does she get out of this mess?

Greg Stink: Well, I think the instructions are on the back of the tube —

Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, no, no! No, Greg! Greg, I’m sorry about that! I was talking about the, uh, SPARE! You know — how should a rookie deal with this on her second roll?

Greg Stink: OH! She gets a second roll!

Pete Twinkle: Ho, man! Greg Stink — best color man in the biz! Alright, let’s go back down on the floor and see if she can’t pick up that spare!

[ return to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]

Pete Twinkle: “The Jackhammer” has a very unique toss in this type of situation. There it is, the windmill! And giving baby to what looks like a… A SPARE!! She got it!! Celebrating with her signature Jackhammer Shuffle! Look at that! Ho-ho-ho, man! The crowd loves it! Absolutely wonderful! You ever seen that before?

Greg Stink: Now, how much longer is this gonna take?

Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Why, Greg? You gotta be somewhere?

Greg Stink: Yeah! Saturday morning, like every cartoon in the book is on!

Pete Twinkle: Ha! Greg, I’ve always wanted to ask you something: What’s the highest level of education you’ve completed?

Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I’ll never tell! My lips are sealed!

Pete Twinkle: Oh. yeah? Speaking of sealed lips — VAGISIL!! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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