SNL Transcripts: Blake Lively: 12/05/09: Late Night with Chris Hansen


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Late Night with Chris Hansen

Tony Blaze…..Fred Armisen
Chris Hansen…..Bill Hader
Phillip Seymour Hoffman…..Jason Sudeikis
Keanu Reeves…..Andy Samberg
Cher…..Blake Lively
Guards…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan

[ open on MSNBC logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching MSNBC. It’s kind of like NBC, but with MS.

[ dissolve to still photos of Chris Hansen in action ]

Announcer: Up next: You’ve seen him grill suspects on “To Catch A Predator”, and “To Catch A Predator Raw”. Now stay tuned for the brand new series from Chris Hansen.

[ dissolve to talk show set, with Latin-flavored theme music ]

Tony Blaze: From MSNBC Studios on New York, it is “Late Night with Chris Hansen”! Tonight, Chris welcomes: actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman! Actor/activist Keanu Reeves! Music legend and pop culture mainstay Cher! And me! I am Tony Blaze! and, without further ado, let’s welcome our first guest: Phillip Seymour Hoffman!

[ Phillip Seymour Hoffman enters the set, where no host awaits him. Confused, Hoffman looks around, then finally takes a seat on the couch. He glances at a plate of cookies on the desk, and casually grabs one, as Chris Hansen steadfastly enters the set. ]

Chris Hansen: Can I get you a glass of milk?

[ surprised by the invasion, Hoffman gets up to leave ]

Chris Hansen: No, no, no, no! Sit down! [ Hoffman sits ] I just want to talk. You and I are gonna talk.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ confused ] Yeah, yeah — sure, that’s fine, you know —

Chris Hansen: Let me ask you something.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah?

Chris Hansen: What are you doing here?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: I just came here to be on the show, you know, to talk…

Chris Hansen: You came here to talk?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Well, it’s a talk show, you know, so…

Chris Hansen: You thought you were gonna plug a movie?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Well, I, uh — uh — uh —

Chris Hansen: I have an e-mail here between you and my producer: “Please make sure Chris mentions my new movie, “Pirate Radio”.” Did you write that?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Uh — uh — “Pirate Radio” is a new movie I have out, and —

Chris Hansen: So you admit that you came here to plug a movie?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ stunned ] Look — [ boom mike men swarm over him ] Uh — uh, I think there’s been a mistake.

Chris Hansen: Ohhhh, a “mistake”?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. I — I think I’m gonna go. [ he struggles to his feet with a groan ]

Chris Hansen: So, go.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ turns to glance at Hansen ] Thanks for having me on.

Guards: GO!! GET HIM!! GO!!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Whoa! What is this?!

[ Hoffman is tackled into off-screen ]

Chris Hansen: Tony Blaze. Can you believe that guy?

Tony Blaze: Hey, Chris, man! You’re pretty crazy!

Chris Hansen: Who do we have next?

Tony Blaze: Our next guest is GREAT!! Please welcome Keanuuuu Reeves!

[ Keanu Reeves enters the once-again empty set ] [ an alternate camera angle reveals that Chris Hansen is crouched behind the desk waiting in ambush ]

Keanu Reeves: Hello? [ he sits on the couch and places a bag he’s carrying onto the desk ] Is anyone here?

[ Chris Hansen jumps up ]

Chris Hansen: Hey-ey!

Keanu Reeves: [ startled ] Oh! Hey…

Chris Hansen: You seem surprised. Were you expecting someone else?

Keanu Reeves: No! It’s just… you were hiding.

Chris Hansen: Mind telling me what’s in the bag?

[ Reeves shrugs as Hansen searches the bag ]

Chris Hansen: Condoms… and a Smirnoff raspberry. What do you think was gonna happen here today?

Keanu Reeves: [ shaking his head, confused ] What? Some guy backstage said I had to bring this out!

Chris Hansen: Do you think those are appropriate things to being to an interview?

Keanu Reeves: No! I don’t! That’s what I told that guy! What’s going on?

Chris Hansen: What were you planning on doing here today?

Keanu Reeves: I don’t know! Talk to you… maybe talk to Tony Blaze…

[ Tony Blaze smiles innocently ]

Keanu Reeves: Look, I-I think there’s been a mistake! I’m gonna go! [ he rises ]

Chris Hansen: Be my guest!

[ Reeves starts to walk away, then stops ]

Keanu Reeves: Wait. Am I gonna get tackled when I leave?

[ cut to the guards staring intently from off-screen ]

Chris Hansen: I don’t know!

[ Reeves shrugs, then faces the guards ]

Keanu Reeves: No, no, no!

Guards: GO GET HIM!! GO!! GO!!

[ Reeves is tackled by the guards ]

Keanu Reeves: OH!! BOGUS!!

Chris Hansen: Keanu Reeves, everyone.

Tony Blaze: So, Chris, man — if people just show up to some place… what kind of crime have they committed? You know?

Chris Hansen: They’ll have plenty of time to think about that BEHIND BARS!!

Tony Blaze: Sooo, you’re putting them in some kind of… jail?

Chris Hansen: Our NEXT guest is just coming off a sold-out series of performances at Caesar’s Palace. Please welcome — Cher!

[ cut to Cher, singing “Believe” ]

Cher: “Do you believe in love after lo–“

[ the guards tackle Cher to the ground ]

Tony Blaze: Not Cher! Come on, Chris Hansen!

Chris Hansen: That’s the show, thanks for joining us. Tony Blaze! Blaze out!

Tony Blaze: This is a bad show, man. [ to his band ] Hit it!

[ the band plays out, as Hansen sips the Smirnoff raspberry and clears his head of the night’s conquests ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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