SNL Transcripts: Blake Lively: 12/05/09: Late Night with Chris Hansen

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Late Night with Chris Hansen

Tony Blaze…..Fred Armisen
Chris Hansen…..Bill Hader
Phillip Seymour Hoffman…..Jason Sudeikis
Keanu Reeves…..Andy Samberg
Cher…..Blake Lively
Guards…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan

[ open on MSNBC logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching MSNBC. It’s kind of like NBC, but with MS.

[ dissolve to still photos of Chris Hansen in action ]

Announcer: Up next: You’ve seen him grill suspects on “To Catch A Predator”, and “To Catch A Predator Raw”. Now stay tuned for the brand new series from Chris Hansen.

[ dissolve to talk show set, with Latin-flavored theme music ]

Tony Blaze: From MSNBC Studios on New York, it is “Late Night with Chris Hansen”! Tonight, Chris welcomes: actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman! Actor/activist Keanu Reeves! Music legend and pop culture mainstay Cher! And me! I am Tony Blaze! and, without further ado, let’s welcome our first guest: Phillip Seymour Hoffman!

[ Phillip Seymour Hoffman enters the set, where no host awaits him. Confused, Hoffman looks around, then finally takes a seat on the couch. He glances at a plate of cookies on the desk, and casually grabs one, as Chris Hansen steadfastly enters the set. ]

Chris Hansen: Can I get you a glass of milk?

[ surprised by the invasion, Hoffman gets up to leave ]

Chris Hansen: No, no, no, no! Sit down! [ Hoffman sits ] I just want to talk. You and I are gonna talk.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ confused ] Yeah, yeah — sure, that’s fine, you know —

Chris Hansen: Let me ask you something.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah?

Chris Hansen: What are you doing here?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: I just came here to be on the show, you know, to talk…

Chris Hansen: You came here to talk?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Well, it’s a talk show, you know, so…

Chris Hansen: You thought you were gonna plug a movie?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Well, I, uh — uh — uh —

Chris Hansen: I have an e-mail here between you and my producer: “Please make sure Chris mentions my new movie, “Pirate Radio”.” Did you write that?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Uh — uh — “Pirate Radio” is a new movie I have out, and —

Chris Hansen: So you admit that you came here to plug a movie?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ stunned ] Look — [ boom mike men swarm over him ] Uh — uh, I think there’s been a mistake.

Chris Hansen: Ohhhh, a “mistake”?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. I — I think I’m gonna go. [ he struggles to his feet with a groan ]

Chris Hansen: So, go.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ turns to glance at Hansen ] Thanks for having me on.

Guards: GO!! GET HIM!! GO!!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Whoa! What is this?!

[ Hoffman is tackled into off-screen ]

Chris Hansen: Tony Blaze. Can you believe that guy?

Tony Blaze: Hey, Chris, man! You’re pretty crazy!

Chris Hansen: Who do we have next?

Tony Blaze: Our next guest is GREAT!! Please welcome Keanuuuu Reeves!

[ Keanu Reeves enters the once-again empty set ] [ an alternate camera angle reveals that Chris Hansen is crouched behind the desk waiting in ambush ]

Keanu Reeves: Hello? [ he sits on the couch and places a bag he’s carrying onto the desk ] Is anyone here?

[ Chris Hansen jumps up ]

Chris Hansen: Hey-ey!

Keanu Reeves: [ startled ] Oh! Hey…

Chris Hansen: You seem surprised. Were you expecting someone else?

Keanu Reeves: No! It’s just… you were hiding.

Chris Hansen: Mind telling me what’s in the bag?

[ Reeves shrugs as Hansen searches the bag ]

Chris Hansen: Condoms… and a Smirnoff raspberry. What do you think was gonna happen here today?

Keanu Reeves: [ shaking his head, confused ] What? Some guy backstage said I had to bring this out!

Chris Hansen: Do you think those are appropriate things to being to an interview?

Keanu Reeves: No! I don’t! That’s what I told that guy! What’s going on?

Chris Hansen: What were you planning on doing here today?

Keanu Reeves: I don’t know! Talk to you… maybe talk to Tony Blaze…

[ Tony Blaze smiles innocently ]

Keanu Reeves: Look, I-I think there’s been a mistake! I’m gonna go! [ he rises ]

Chris Hansen: Be my guest!

[ Reeves starts to walk away, then stops ]

Keanu Reeves: Wait. Am I gonna get tackled when I leave?

[ cut to the guards staring intently from off-screen ]

Chris Hansen: I don’t know!

[ Reeves shrugs, then faces the guards ]

Keanu Reeves: No, no, no!

Guards: GO GET HIM!! GO!! GO!!

[ Reeves is tackled by the guards ]

Keanu Reeves: OH!! BOGUS!!

Chris Hansen: Keanu Reeves, everyone.

Tony Blaze: So, Chris, man — if people just show up to some place… what kind of crime have they committed? You know?

Chris Hansen: They’ll have plenty of time to think about that BEHIND BARS!!

Tony Blaze: Sooo, you’re putting them in some kind of… jail?

Chris Hansen: Our NEXT guest is just coming off a sold-out series of performances at Caesar’s Palace. Please welcome — Cher!

[ cut to Cher, singing “Believe” ]

Cher: “Do you believe in love after lo–“

[ the guards tackle Cher to the ground ]

Tony Blaze: Not Cher! Come on, Chris Hansen!

Chris Hansen: That’s the show, thanks for joining us. Tony Blaze! Blaze out!

Tony Blaze: This is a bad show, man. [ to his band ] Hit it!

[ the band plays out, as Hansen sips the Smirnoff raspberry and clears his head of the night’s conquests ] [ fade ]

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