Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
Late Night with Chris Hansen
Tony Blaze…..Fred Armisen
Chris Hansen…..Bill Hader
Phillip Seymour Hoffman…..Jason Sudeikis
Keanu Reeves…..Andy Samberg
Guards…..Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan
[ open on MSNBC logo ]
Announcer: You’re watching MSNBC. It’s kind of like NBC, but with MS.
[ dissolve to still photos of Chris Hansen in action ]
Announcer: Up next: You’ve seen him grill suspects on “To Catch A Predator”, and “To Catch A Predator Raw”. Now stay tuned for the brand new series from Chris Hansen.
[ dissolve to talk show set, with Latin-flavored theme music ]
Tony Blaze: From MSNBC Studios on New York, it is “Late Night with Chris Hansen”! Tonight, Chris welcomes: actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman! Actor/activist Keanu Reeves! Music legend and pop culture mainstay Cher! And me! I am Tony Blaze! and, without further ado, let’s welcome our first guest: Phillip Seymour Hoffman!
[ Phillip Seymour Hoffman enters the set, where no host awaits him. Confused, Hoffman looks around, then finally takes a seat on the couch. He glances at a plate of cookies on the desk, and casually grabs one, as Chris Hansen steadfastly enters the set. ]
Chris Hansen: Can I get you a glass of milk?
[ surprised by the invasion, Hoffman gets up to leave ]
Chris Hansen: No, no, no, no! Sit down! [ Hoffman sits ] I just want to talk. You and I are gonna talk.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ confused ] Yeah, yeah — sure, that’s fine, you know —
Chris Hansen: Let me ask you something.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah?
Chris Hansen: What are you doing here?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: I just came here to be on the show, you know, to talk…
Chris Hansen: You came here to talk?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Well, it’s a talk show, you know, so…
Chris Hansen: You thought you were gonna plug a movie?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Well, I, uh — uh — uh —
Chris Hansen: I have an e-mail here between you and my producer: “Please make sure Chris mentions my new movie, “Pirate Radio”.” Did you write that?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. Uh — uh — “Pirate Radio” is a new movie I have out, and —
Chris Hansen: So you admit that you came here to plug a movie?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ stunned ] Look — [ boom mike men swarm over him ] Uh — uh, I think there’s been a mistake.
Chris Hansen: Ohhhh, a “mistake”?
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Yeah. I — I think I’m gonna go. [ he struggles to his feet with a groan ]
Chris Hansen: So, go.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: [ turns to glance at Hansen ] Thanks for having me on.
Guards: GO!! GET HIM!! GO!!
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Whoa! What is this?!
[ Hoffman is tackled into off-screen ]
Chris Hansen: Tony Blaze. Can you believe that guy?
Tony Blaze: Hey, Chris, man! You’re pretty crazy!
Chris Hansen: Who do we have next?
Tony Blaze: Our next guest is GREAT!! Please welcome Keanuuuu Reeves!
[ Keanu Reeves enters the once-again empty set ]
[ an alternate camera angle reveals that Chris Hansen is crouched behind the desk waiting in ambush ]
Keanu Reeves: Hello? [ he sits on the couch and places a bag he’s carrying onto the desk ] Is anyone here?
[ Chris Hansen jumps up ]
Chris Hansen: Hey-ey!
Keanu Reeves: [ startled ] Oh! Hey…
Chris Hansen: You seem surprised. Were you expecting someone else?
Keanu Reeves: No! It’s just… you were hiding.
Chris Hansen: Mind telling me what’s in the bag?
[ Reeves shrugs as Hansen searches the bag ]
Chris Hansen: Condoms… and a Smirnoff raspberry. What do you think was gonna happen here today?
Keanu Reeves: [ shaking his head, confused ] What? Some guy backstage said I had to bring this out!
Chris Hansen: Do you think those are appropriate things to being to an interview?
Keanu Reeves: No! I don’t! That’s what I told that guy! What’s going on?
Chris Hansen: What were you planning on doing here today?
Keanu Reeves: I don’t know! Talk to you… maybe talk to Tony Blaze…
[ Tony Blaze smiles innocently ]
Keanu Reeves: Look, I-I think there’s been a mistake! I’m gonna go! [ he rises ]
Chris Hansen: Be my guest!
[ Reeves starts to walk away, then stops ]
Keanu Reeves: Wait. Am I gonna get tackled when I leave?
[ cut to the guards staring intently from off-screen ]
Chris Hansen: I don’t know!
[ Reeves shrugs, then faces the guards ]
Keanu Reeves: No, no, no!
Guards: GO GET HIM!! GO!! GO!!
[ Reeves is tackled by the guards ]
Keanu Reeves: OH!! BOGUS!!
Chris Hansen: Keanu Reeves, everyone.
Tony Blaze: So, Chris, man — if people just show up to some place… what kind of crime have they committed? You know?
Chris Hansen: They’ll have plenty of time to think about that BEHIND BARS!!
Tony Blaze: Sooo, you’re putting them in some kind of… jail?
Chris Hansen: Our NEXT guest is just coming off a sold-out series of performances at Caesar’s Palace. Please welcome — Cher!
[ cut to Cher, singing “Believe” ]
Cher: “Do you believe in love after lo–“
[ the guards tackle Cher to the ground ]
Tony Blaze: Not Cher! Come on, Chris Hansen!
Chris Hansen: That’s the show, thanks for joining us. Tony Blaze! Blaze out!
Tony Blaze: This is a bad show, man. [ to his band ] Hit it!
[ the band plays out, as Hansen sips the Smirnoff raspberry and clears his head of the night’s conquests ]
[ fade ]