Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
Blake Lively’s Monologue
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Blake Lively!
Blake Lively: Thank you so much! Thank you very much! It’s great to behere hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I love New York this time of year;there’s nothing like Christmas in the city. Today is the first day issnowed — so that’s why I wore my winter clothes.[ Blake showcases her sexy short, strapless red satin dress to theaudience, who in turn, take a hearty laugh. ]
Blake Lively: It’s so exciting being here this week at 30 RockefellerCenter because they just had the Annual Tree Lighting. You can see itright out the window! In fact, let’s take a look at the tree right now…
Blake Lively: It’s beautiful! After the tree lighting ceremony, we went toa party. Aretha Franklin was there, Mayor Bloomberg? and I met the Muppets![ A couple members of the audience cheer. ]
Blake Lively: Oh yeah! Do they know how to party! The next day, Fozzie andGonzo sent me a series of inappropriate text messages. Word of advice –if you?re at a club at four in the morning, don?t give your number to a Muppet.[ The Swedish Chef slides onto Home Base. ]
Swedish Chef: Bork, bork!”
Blake Lively: Oh? great! Hey, Swedish Chef![ Swedish Chef mutters gibberish. ]
Blake Lively: Yes, I got your text.[ Swedish Chef mutters more gibberish. ]
Blake Lively: Yeah, I got the photo too. It took me a while to figure outwhat the photo was.
Blake Lively: Yeah, it was great to see you again, but I really have toget going with the show now.[ Swedish Chef stops Blake for a moment and delivers more gibberish. She sighs. ]
Blake Lively: Okay — you can tell one joke.[ Swedish Chef delivers his gibberish. Blake rolls her eyes. ]
Blake Lively: Who?s there?[ Swedish Chef garbles the same words. ]
Blake Lively: Smorgi Borg Who?[ Swedish Chef utters a play on the words he’s been saying all along. ]
Blake Lively: That’s filthy![ Swedish Chef signals to the Blake?s stage right. ]
Fozzie: Wocka Wocka!
Gonzo: Why don’t we kick off the holiday season with a holiday song?
Blake Lively: I don’t know if we have time, guys.[ Swedish Chef starts warbling to “White Christmas” in his dialect. ]
Blake Lively: No. Stop — please.
Fozzie: She’s right! We can?t get the rights to that![ Beaker starts “meeping” out of nervousness. Animal starts screaming forthe sake of it. ]
Blake Lively: Can you just pick a song and so we can get on with the show?
Gonzo: I get it! You don’t want us up here!
Fozzie: You may be pretty in person on the outside, but in the end, we’reall just the same on the inside — we all have a giant hand shoved up ourkeister to make us talk and move around!
Blake Lively: You’re the only ones who have that.[ The Muppets faces turn from confidence to sad reality. ]
Fozzie: Wocka.[ Fozzie takes a beat to ponder and hangs his head. ]
Gonzo: Come on guys! She doesn?t like us.[ The Muppets make their way off Home Base. Blake drops her shoulders and sighs. ]
Blake Lively: No guys — wait. I’m sorry.[ The Muppets stop and start to turn back to Home Base. ]
Blake Lively: In fact, I know one we can sing.
Gonzo: Really!? You mean it!?
Blake Lively: Yeah? why not? Swedish Chef?
Blake Lively: You got me snow![ Swedish Chef gibbers some more. Zoot and Janice appear next to him andbeing playing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”. ]
All: [singing]“Hark the Herald Angels Sing”[ Animal screams the GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING lyric in screams. ]
All: [singing]“Peace on Earth and mercy mild”[ Swedish Chef gibbers the GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED lyric. ]
Beaker: [singing]“Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
Christ is born in Bethlehem”
Blake Lively: We have a great show! Rihanna is here![ Animal creeps up behind Blake and screams. She’s startled. ]
Blake Lively: So stick around! We?ll be right back!
Submitted by: Cody Downs