SNL Transcripts: Blake Lively: 12/05/09: Blake Lively’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Blake Lively’s Monologue

…..Blake Lively
Zoot…..Fred Armisen
Animal…..Bill Hader
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg
Janice…..Jenny Slate
Fozzie…..Jason Sudeikis
Beaker…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Blake Lively!

Blake Lively: Thank you so much! Thank you very much! It’s great to behere hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I love New York this time of year;there’s nothing like Christmas in the city. Today is the first day issnowed — so that’s why I wore my winter clothes.

[ Blake showcases her sexy short, strapless red satin dress to theaudience, who in turn, take a hearty laugh. ]

Blake Lively: It’s so exciting being here this week at 30 RockefellerCenter because they just had the Annual Tree Lighting. You can see itright out the window! In fact, let’s take a look at the tree right now…


Blake Lively: It’s beautiful! After the tree lighting ceremony, we went toa party. Aretha Franklin was there, Mayor Bloomberg? and I met the Muppets!

[ A couple members of the audience cheer. ]

Blake Lively: Oh yeah! Do they know how to party! The next day, Fozzie andGonzo sent me a series of inappropriate text messages. Word of advice –if you?re at a club at four in the morning, don?t give your number to a Muppet.

[ The Swedish Chef slides onto Home Base. ]

Swedish Chef: Bork, bork!”

Blake Lively: Oh? great! Hey, Swedish Chef!

[ Swedish Chef mutters gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: Yes, I got your text.

[ Swedish Chef mutters more gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: Yeah, I got the photo too. It took me a while to figure outwhat the photo was.

[ Swedish Chef laughs. Blake gives an uncomfortable laugh afterwards andstarts pushing him away. ]

Blake Lively: Yeah, it was great to see you again, but I really have toget going with the show now.

[ Swedish Chef stops Blake for a moment and delivers more gibberish. She sighs. ]

Blake Lively: Okay — you can tell one joke.

[ Swedish Chef delivers his gibberish. Blake rolls her eyes. ]

Blake Lively: Who?s there?

[ Swedish Chef garbles the same words. ]

Blake Lively: Smorgi Borg Who?

[ Swedish Chef utters a play on the words he’s been saying all along. ]

Blake Lively: That’s filthy!

[ Swedish Chef signals to the Blake?s stage right. ]

Fozzie: Wocka Wocka!

[ Fozzie, Beaker, Gonzo, and Animal come onto Home Base. ]

Gonzo: Why don’t we kick off the holiday season with a holiday song?

Blake Lively: I don’t know if we have time, guys.

[ Swedish Chef starts warbling to “White Christmas” in his dialect. ]

Blake Lively: No. Stop — please.

Fozzie: She’s right! We can?t get the rights to that!

[ Beaker starts “meeping” out of nervousness. Animal starts screaming forthe sake of it. ]

Blake Lively: Can you just pick a song and so we can get on with the show?

Gonzo: I get it! You don’t want us up here!

Fozzie: You may be pretty in person on the outside, but in the end, we’reall just the same on the inside — we all have a giant hand shoved up ourkeister to make us talk and move around!

Blake Lively: You’re the only ones who have that.

[ The Muppets faces turn from confidence to sad reality. ]

Fozzie: Wocka.

[ Fozzie takes a beat to ponder and hangs his head. ]

Fozzie: Wocka.

Gonzo: Come on guys! She doesn?t like us.

[ The Muppets make their way off Home Base. Blake drops her shoulders and sighs. ]

Blake Lively: No guys — wait. I’m sorry.

[ The Muppets stop and start to turn back to Home Base. ]

Blake Lively: In fact, I know one we can sing.

Gonzo: Really!? You mean it!?

Blake Lively: Yeah? why not? Swedish Chef?

[ Swedish Chef delivers his signature gibberish and looks up. Snow starts to fall. ]

Blake Lively: You got me snow!

[ Swedish Chef gibbers some more. Zoot and Janice appear next to him andbeing playing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”. ]

All: [singing]“Hark the Herald Angels Sing”

[ Animal screams the GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING lyric in screams. ]

All: [singing]“Peace on Earth and mercy mild”

[ Swedish Chef gibbers the GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED lyric. ]

Beaker: [singing]“Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
Christ is born in Bethlehem”

[ Beaker “meeps” the last two sentences. Swedish Chef leads everyone tosing GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING in his gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: We have a great show! Rihanna is here!

[ Animal creeps up behind Blake and screams. She’s startled. ]

Blake Lively: So stick around! We?ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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