Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
White House Crashers
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Tareq Salahi…..Bobby Moynihan
Michaele Salahi…..Kristen Wiig
Secret Service Agents…..Bill Hader, Will Forte, Nasim Pedrad
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, Lehigh Carbon Community College ] [ SUPER: “Allentown, Pennsylvania – Friday December 4th” ]
President Barack Obama V/O: Good afternoon. And thank you! It’s good to be back in Pennsylvania![ dissolve to Obama behind a podium inside the college ]
President Barack Obama: Uh — I am grateful to have the opportunity, to speak to you today, about our economy. And I’m also grateful for the chance to get away from Washington, and its many distractions.[ suddenly, Tareq and Michaele Salahi wander onto the stage and crash the speech ]
President Barack Obama: I just came from Allentown Metalworks, where I had the chance to visit with workers there. And, like so many others across America, these workers have been doing the very best they can, to stay afloat, in a brutal recession that has hit folks like them, hardest of all.
President Barack Obama: So! As we come to the end of this very tough year, I want to do something I haven’t had a chance to do, that often, during my first year in office.[ Tareq and Michaele switch positions, as she snaps his picture while flexing an arm muscle behind Obama ]
President Barack Obama: And that is, to share some modestly encouraging news, on our economy. Today, the Labor Department released its monthly employment survey, and reported that the nation lost 11,000 jobs in November.[ a Secret Service Agent enters the background, advising the Salahis to come forward but then he backs off ]
President Barack Obama: Which was about 115,000 fewer, than was forecast, and is about close to zero, from the perspective, of our overall economy.[ a second Secret Service Agent enters with the first, demanding that he remove the Salahis from the stage ]
President Barack Obama: The unemployment rate ticked down, instead of up.[ the first Secret Service Agent approaches the Salahis, then hands the camera over to the second Secret Service Agent and joins the Salahis for a candid photo ]
President Barack Obama: The report also found that we lost about 160,000 fewer jobs over the last two months, than previously thought. So, overall, this is the best jobs report that we’ve seen, since 2007. This is good news, just in time, for the season of hope.[ the Salahis motion for the Secret Service Agents to switch position, as the first agent takes the camera and the second agent poses for the next photo with the Salahis ]
President Barack Obama: But, I do want to keep this in perspective. We’ve still got a long way to go. I consider one job, lost, one too many. And, as I said yesterday at a jobs conference in Washington, good trends don’t pay the rent
President Barack Obama: We’ve got to actually grow jobs, and get America, back to work, as quickly as we can.[ a female Secret Service Agent enters with the first agent, holding up pictures of the Salahis with the word “NO” on them. He approaches the Salahis and walks them off stage. ]
President Barack Obama: Now, the journey from here, will not be without setbacks, or struggles. There may be gyrations in the months ahead. There are going to be some months, where the reports are worse.[ the Salahis re-enter, wearing fake moustaches ]
President Barack Obama: But the trend line right now, is good. The direction is clear. When you think about, how this year began, even before I was sworn in, and we were losing 700,000 jobs a month. A month![ the Secret Service Agents re-appear, demanding that the Salahis come forward. Instead, they call Vice-President Joseph Biden up to the stage, who happily runs up to have his picture taken with them. ]
President Barack Obama: There are better days ahead. From the moment I was sworn into office, I began taking a number of difficult steps, to end this economic crisis. I did that, because they were necessary, to save our country from even greater catastrophe. We also took steps to unlock our frozen credit markets, so average Americans, could get the loans they needed, to buy a home, or a car, to go to college, or start a small business. We enacted measures —[ Michaele Salahi taps Obama on the shoulder. He turns, surprised to see all these people standing on the stage behind him. She hands the camera to him as a personal favor. ]
President Barack Obama: Do you want me in it?
Michaele Salahi: Oh, no, no, no. Just take it.
President Barack Obama: Oh.
Michaele Salahi: Just take it, yeah.[ they all make a crazy pose, as Obama snaps the picture ]
Michaele Salahi: Thank you.[ Obama returns to face his audience ]
President Barack Obama: So… here’s the bottom line. I know that, times are tough —[ the group looks at their photo, unsatisfied, so Michaele Salahi taps Obama’s shoulder again ]
Michaele Salahi: Just the head this time?
Michaele Salahi: Thank you so much![ the crowd is excited at the results, and wander off the stage ]
President Barack Obama: I won’t rest until, things get better. And, in the spirit of that promise, I would just like to say:[ Tareq and Michaele Salahi rush back on stage to share the moment with Obama ]
Together: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”