Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
Potato Chip Thief
Mr. Greenblatt…..Will Forte
Mr. Aymong…..Jason Sudeikis
INTRO FROM EXTERIOR TO THE INSIDE OF AN OFFICE. YOU CAN SEE THE NASA COMPLEX THROUGH THE WINDOW IN BEHIND THE DESK.
Mr. Greenblatt: (Very friendly) On behalf of NASA I want to give you the warmest of welcomes.
Mr. Aymong: (A very gruff voice) Well, I thank you kindly, sir, for this opportunity. I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to be an astronaut!
Mr. Greenblatt: Well, soon enough we will see if your dreams will become a reality here at the NASA space program. Now, wait here, I’m gonna go get my NASA astronaut space test. It’s in the fridge. But before I go, I’m gonna ask that you don’t take any of these potato chips here (gestures to the bowl) because I’m super hungry, so I’m gonna go into the other room and I’m going to expect you to not touch any of those potato chips. (says potato in a funny pronunciation)
Mr. Aymong: (confidently) Your potato chips are safe in my presence!
Mr. Greenblatt: I thank you, sir.
[ Mr. Greenblatt gets up and scuttles to the door and leaves the office. Mr. Aymong begins to stare at the bowl of chips. He takes his hand and makes his fingers walk in a funny maner to the bowl. He pulls the bowl closer to himself. He grabs a chip and quickly puts it in his mouth. He chews rapidly and slides the bowl back to where it was. He dusts off his jacket and Mr. Greenblatt enters the office again. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: Well, I got that space test right…
[ Mr. Greenblatt stops mid sentence and stares at the bowl of chips on the desk. He quickly scuttles towards it and begins thumbing through the bowl counting quickly under his breath. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: Thirty four. (stares at Mr. Aymong as he sits down.) Thirty four! (yells to get Janelley’s attention) JANELLEY! Could you come in here, please!
[ Janelley enters the office and approaches Mr. Greenblatt. ]
Janelley: (In a quivery quiet voice) Yes, Mr. Greenblatt?
Mr. Greenblatt: Janelda, how many potato chips did you put in there today?
Janelley: Thirty five.
Mr. Greenblatt: (with conviction) I thought so. I thought so! Janelley, what would you say if I told you that that man right there is nothing but a common potato chip thief!
Janelley: (In an overdone scream of horror) AHHHHHHH! POTATO CHIP THIIIIIEEEEFFFFF!!!!
Mr. Aymong: (shocked) WHAT?!
Mr. Greenblatt: You have NO right!
Janelley: NO RIGHT!
Mr. Aymong: I did not come here to have my reputation asassinated!
Mr. Greenblatt: Then you shouldn’t have taken that potato chip!
Janelley: (Yells in support of Mr. Greenblatt to Mr. Aymong) You dont take people’s potato chips!!
Mr. Aymong: But I did nothing of the sort!
Mr. Greenblatt: (very seriously) That is between you and YOUR GOD! Now get the HELL outta HERE!
Mr. Aymong: I’m not going nowhere until I am an astronaut!
Mr. Greenblatt: (yelling louder than before) Well I got news for you! You are BlACKLISTED!
Mr. Aymong: (puzzled) Blacklisted?!
Janelley: (Screams) BLACKLISTED!
Mr. Aymong: (stiffly without moving) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Mr. Greenblatt: You will never be an astronaut!
Janelley: (yells) You don’t take people’s potato chips!!
Mr. Greenblatt: you will never stroll the moon in a puffy suit!
Mr. Aymong: (horrified) Don’t say it!!
Mr. Greenblatt: You will never drink Tang!
Mr. Aymong: Take it back!
Mr. Greenblatt: You will never pee in the absence of gravity!
Janelley: (In a stern voice) You don’t take people’s potato chips!
Mr. Aymong: (in protest) But I didn’t take that chip!
Mr. Greenblatt: (Gets up from his chair and points at Mr. Aymong) You sir are a LIAR!
Mr. Aymong: (stands up as well and yells with conviction) I AM NOT A LIAR!!
Mr. Greenblatt: (while climbing up onto the top of his desk) LIAR! (Janelley chimes in at the same time while putting her hands in Mr. Aymong’s face) LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!
Mr. Aymong: I am not! Please stop!!
Mr. Greenblatt: (Yelling very irately) ADMIT THAT YOU TOOK IT!!
Mr. Aymong: But I didn’t!
Mr. Greenblatt: (Becoming increasingly agitated) LIAR! ADMIT IT!
Mr. Aymong: (yells) BUT I DIDN’T!
Mr. Greenblatt: (at the climax of his anger) Be a man for the first time in your life! Admit to me that you took that potato chip! You liar! Open your mouth! Admit it!!!
Mr. Aymong: (with a broken spirit, he begins to cry) I took it. I took it! I took the potato chip!
[ Mr. Aymong sits back down with his hand on his face and is crying. ]
Mr. Aymong: (crying) Oh God! What have I done?! Oh God!!
Mr. Greenblatt: (smugly sits back down and talks in a confident maner) I knew it. (nods his head) I knew it.
Janelley: (approaches Mr. Aymong and says in a quiet but scalding voice) You don’t take people’s potato chips! (she walks back to where she was standing and stares at Mr. Aymong) You don’t take people’s potato chips!
Mr. Aymong: (crying) How can I make this right?
Mr. Greenblatt: (holds out his hand to Mr. Aymong) I believe you have something of mine.
[ Mr. Aymong stares at Mr. Greenblatt for a second. He then starts to make gagging noises with his mouth closed for a second or two. He then leans in towards Mr. Greenblat’s hand and vomits the remnants of the chip into Mr. Greenblatt’s palm. He sits back down. ]
[ Mr. Greenblatt stares intensly at Mr. Aymong then looks at his hand with the vomit in it. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: (proud) Welcome back.
Mr. Aymong: (starts to cheer up) Do you mean it?!
Mr. Greenblatt: (annoyed) I was talking to the potato chip!
[ Mr. Greenblat dumps the vomit into the bowl of chips. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: Thirty five! Janelda could you please show Mr. Aymong the door?
Janelley: (disgusted) Trash like that can show itself the door!
Mr. Aymong: (clears his throat) Well, this certainly did not end the way I had imagined it in my undry dreams. [ he starts to get up. ] So I will collect my hemorrhoid donut (picks it up from the chair) and bid you adieu!
[ He walks to the door and leaves the office. ]
Janelley: (very curiously) Mr. Greenblatt, why do people do things like that?
[ Mr. Greenblatt stands up and stares into the camera with conviction in his eyes. ]
Mr. Greenblatt: (With conviction) Because they’re hungry, Janelley. Because they’re hungry.
[ Mr. Greenblatt and Janelley are staring towards the camera. We see Mr. Aymong standing outside the office window staring in at them with his hemorrhoid donut firmly in his arm. ]
Submitted by: Matt Casey