SNL Transcripts: Blake Lively: 12/05/09: Skirt Shopping

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Skirt Shopping

Stepdaughter…..Blake Lively
Salesman…..Will Forte
Virginiaca Hastings…..Kenan Thompson
Woman 1…..Abby Elliott

[Scene opens with shot from outside a New York Shopping Store. Up Beat music is playing.] [Camera cuts to inside a high class clothes store.] [The Stepdaughter is holding different types of skits to her waist to see if they look good] [Stepdaughter is wearing a type of swimsuit with a pink coat]

Salesman: Ah? Can i help you? (In a confused toned)

Stepdaughter: How much this skirt be?

Salesman: Well It’s Prada and I’m almost certain it’s out of your price range.

Stepdaughter: Uh eh! You need to drop that attitude I’m in no kind of mood for that. I need my Mama.

[The Stepdaughter throws the skirt back on the table and walk towards the store entrance]

Stepdaughter: MAMA! WHERE YOU IS GIRL?

[The stepdaughters mother “Virginiaca Hastings” comes rushing into the store out of breath and her arms are full of different store bags.]

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! OH! OH! WOAH! OH my godness! So many bags. I am overheating. What y’all got to eat all up in here? Cause girl i’m about to take a paper towell to my under boobies.

Stepdaughter: That’s so Stope! So anyway Mama, Where have you been?

Virginiaca Hastings: I was just getting some gadiver samples you know.

Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me can you hold this bag for a second please?

[Virginiaca Hastings hands a shopping bag to a mannequin. Virginiaca Hastings releases the bag from her hand and it falls to the ground. ]

Virginiaca Hastings: (very insulted) Ah! Eh! What! Eh! Well excuse me? It’s like that?You are just going to ignore me?

[The stepdaughter climbs up on the pedestal to be the same height as the headless mannequin]

Stepdaughter: OH NO Uh uh! That’s my mama OK! There is no need to be ignorant.

Virginiaca Hastings: You don’t gots to be ignorant.

[The stepdaughter stops talking and looks at her stepmother with a smile on her face]

Stepdaughter: Oh! oh! Snap Mama. That’s a mannequin.

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! Girl you right. That IS a mannequin. Ain’t got no head. HAHA! No we didn’t. We though you were a human.

Stepdaughter: You are very well lucky you’s a mannequins. Cause I was about to say something… has got… to be dissed.

Virginiaca Hastings: Umm Humm! Come down here baby. Get some of these cattle chips.

[Virginiaca Hastings opens her very large purse. The stepdaughter reaches in and grabs some potato chips.]

Stepdaughter: Oh mama. Those chips are all kinds of tangy.

Virginiaca Hastings: THERE HAWAIIN STYLE!

Salesman: Oh I’m sorry you can’t eat in here.

Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me? I can do whatever i want. If i wanted to i could buy all this merchandise and use it as a Sham-Wow. Perhaps you heard of my husband? Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings. Which would make me Miss (sluring words) Hastings! Tadao!

[Virginiaca Hastings shows the salesman her left hand to prove her marriage to Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings]

Virginiaca Hastings: but you can call me Virginiaca.

Salesman: Uh that’s ok. I will call you Mrs Hastings.

Virginiaca Hastings: What’s that? Did you say you wanted to see my breasts and pasties?

[Virginiaca Hastings walks towards the salesman]

Salesman: (in disgust) WHAT?

Virginiaca Hastings: Ok!

Salesman: NO!

Virginiaca Hastings: When?

Salesman: What?

Virginiaca Hastings: You nasty!

Stepdaughter: This my mom’s. You better stop trying to up into her goody snack.

Salesman: This is your mother?

Virginiaca Hastings: Well by marriage not vagina.

Salesman: I see. Charming. I will be over here.

[The Salesman walks away. The stepdaughter runs towards a Woman 1 who is looking a skirt. It seems that the stepdaughter has her eye set on the same skirt the Woman 1 is looking at.]

Stepdaughter: Oh mama look at this!

[The stepdaughter pulls the skirt from the Woman 1’s hands and puts it up against herself to show her mother how she looks in it.]

Woman 1: EXCUSE ME!

Stepdaughter: You’re excused.

Virginiaca Hastings: OH girl, hold that up to you. Oooo that would be perfect for your booty rounds and rounds.

[Virginiaca Hastings starts to sing while the Stepdaughter starts to dance provocatively]

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.

Stepdaughter: Say What?

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.

Stepdaughter: Say What?

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and Booty go round and Booty go round and round.

[Stepdaughter stops dancing]

Virginiaca Hastings: Yeah that’s my baby

[The salesman comes back to the stepdaughter and Virginiaca Hastings]

Salesman: Please be carefull with that skirt. It’s trimed with sharofsky crystals.

[Virginiaca Hastings starts to mumble with an insulted look on her face]

Stepdaughter: Moma! He don’t want me to go do my booty go rounds and rounds

Virginiaca Hastings: What you mean about my baby can’t do her booty go round and round?

Stepdaughter: You lucky my Popa ain’t up in here.

Virginiaca Hastings: Yes you are lucky. See Mr. Hastings is at home with his irratable bowle. I pass by the bathroom and had to use a whole bottle of Fabreze cause I couldn’t Fabreath.

Stepdaughter: Like the song Thriller says “The funk of 40 000 years”

[Virginiaca Hastings lowers her head in respect of the death of Micheal Jackson]

Virginiaca Hastings: Micheal Jackson. He’s still with us. He’s still with us.

[The stepdaughter also lowers her head in respest of the death of Micheal Jackson.

Virginiaca Hastings: So how much for this sharofsky crystals skirt?

Salesman: $2,400.

Virginiaca Hastings: UmmHumm! OK I see. Baby want don’t you run down to the lady Footlocker and get yourself some footies? Mama’s got a do a little bargerain.

Stepdaughter: But Mama I don’t need no footies.


Salesman: Oh I will take that.

[The salesman leans over and take the skirt from the stepdaughter. Virginiaca Hastings pushes the stepdaughter out of the store.]

Virginiaca Hastings: UH OH! Did you hear that?

[Virginiaca Hastings puts down her bags and purse on a near by table]

Virginiaca Hastings: That was the sounds of my spanks splitting up the back end.

[Virginiaca Hastings stands to slowly dance towards the Salesman]

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! And did you hear THAT!

Salesman: (with a confused look) No.

Virginiaca Hastings: Well that was the sound of my G-String movin out the way. Look what you do to me. Oh now look at this!

[Virginiaca Hastings pushes everything off the table and then climbs on top. She gets on all fours on top of the table]

Virginiaca Hastings: Now I want you to image this.. bottom less and top less with just a belt on.

Salesman: Here Here you can have it. Just take it and go.

[Salesman hands over the skirt over to Virginiaca Hastings with a discusted look on his face]

Virginiaca Hastings: Are you sure? You good? Cause I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up.

[fades to black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

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