SNL Transcripts: Blake Lively: 12/05/09: Skirt Shopping



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 8










09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Skirt Shopping

Stepdaughter…..Blake Lively
Salesman…..Will Forte
Virginiaca Hastings…..Kenan Thompson
Woman 1…..Abby Elliott

[Scene opens with shot from outside a New York Shopping Store. Up Beat music is playing.] [Camera cuts to inside a high class clothes store.] [The Stepdaughter is holding different types of skits to her waist to see if they look good] [Stepdaughter is wearing a type of swimsuit with a pink coat]

Salesman: Ah? Can i help you? (In a confused toned)

Stepdaughter: How much this skirt be?

Salesman: Well It’s Prada and I’m almost certain it’s out of your price range.

Stepdaughter: Uh eh! You need to drop that attitude I’m in no kind of mood for that. I need my Mama.

[The Stepdaughter throws the skirt back on the table and walk towards the store entrance]

Stepdaughter: MAMA! WHERE YOU IS GIRL?

[The stepdaughters mother “Virginiaca Hastings” comes rushing into the store out of breath and her arms are full of different store bags.]

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! OH! OH! WOAH! OH my godness! So many bags. I am overheating. What y’all got to eat all up in here? Cause girl i’m about to take a paper towell to my under boobies.

Stepdaughter: That’s so Stope! So anyway Mama, Where have you been?

Virginiaca Hastings: I was just getting some gadiver samples you know.

Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me can you hold this bag for a second please?

[Virginiaca Hastings hands a shopping bag to a mannequin. Virginiaca Hastings releases the bag from her hand and it falls to the ground. ]

Virginiaca Hastings: (very insulted) Ah! Eh! What! Eh! Well excuse me? It’s like that?You are just going to ignore me?

[The stepdaughter climbs up on the pedestal to be the same height as the headless mannequin]

Stepdaughter: OH NO Uh uh! That’s my mama OK! There is no need to be ignorant.

Virginiaca Hastings: You don’t gots to be ignorant.

[The stepdaughter stops talking and looks at her stepmother with a smile on her face]

Stepdaughter: Oh! oh! Snap Mama. That’s a mannequin.

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! Girl you right. That IS a mannequin. Ain’t got no head. HAHA! No we didn’t. We though you were a human.

Stepdaughter: You are very well lucky you’s a mannequins. Cause I was about to say something… has got… to be dissed.

Virginiaca Hastings: Umm Humm! Come down here baby. Get some of these cattle chips.

[Virginiaca Hastings opens her very large purse. The stepdaughter reaches in and grabs some potato chips.]

Stepdaughter: Oh mama. Those chips are all kinds of tangy.

Virginiaca Hastings: THERE HAWAIIN STYLE!

Salesman: Oh I’m sorry you can’t eat in here.

Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me? I can do whatever i want. If i wanted to i could buy all this merchandise and use it as a Sham-Wow. Perhaps you heard of my husband? Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings. Which would make me Miss (sluring words) Hastings! Tadao!

[Virginiaca Hastings shows the salesman her left hand to prove her marriage to Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings]

Virginiaca Hastings: but you can call me Virginiaca.

Salesman: Uh that’s ok. I will call you Mrs Hastings.

Virginiaca Hastings: What’s that? Did you say you wanted to see my breasts and pasties?

[Virginiaca Hastings walks towards the salesman]

Salesman: (in disgust) WHAT?

Virginiaca Hastings: Ok!

Salesman: NO!

Virginiaca Hastings: When?

Salesman: What?

Virginiaca Hastings: You nasty!

Stepdaughter: This my mom’s. You better stop trying to up into her goody snack.

Salesman: This is your mother?

Virginiaca Hastings: Well by marriage not vagina.

Salesman: I see. Charming. I will be over here.

[The Salesman walks away. The stepdaughter runs towards a Woman 1 who is looking a skirt. It seems that the stepdaughter has her eye set on the same skirt the Woman 1 is looking at.]

Stepdaughter: Oh mama look at this!

[The stepdaughter pulls the skirt from the Woman 1’s hands and puts it up against herself to show her mother how she looks in it.]

Woman 1: EXCUSE ME!

Stepdaughter: You’re excused.

Virginiaca Hastings: OH girl, hold that up to you. Oooo that would be perfect for your booty rounds and rounds.

[Virginiaca Hastings starts to sing while the Stepdaughter starts to dance provocatively]

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.

Stepdaughter: Say What?

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.

Stepdaughter: Say What?

Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and Booty go round and Booty go round and round.

[Stepdaughter stops dancing]

Virginiaca Hastings: Yeah that’s my baby

[The salesman comes back to the stepdaughter and Virginiaca Hastings]

Salesman: Please be carefull with that skirt. It’s trimed with sharofsky crystals.

[Virginiaca Hastings starts to mumble with an insulted look on her face]

Stepdaughter: Moma! He don’t want me to go do my booty go rounds and rounds

Virginiaca Hastings: What you mean about my baby can’t do her booty go round and round?

Stepdaughter: You lucky my Popa ain’t up in here.

Virginiaca Hastings: Yes you are lucky. See Mr. Hastings is at home with his irratable bowle. I pass by the bathroom and had to use a whole bottle of Fabreze cause I couldn’t Fabreath.

Stepdaughter: Like the song Thriller says “The funk of 40 000 years”

[Virginiaca Hastings lowers her head in respect of the death of Micheal Jackson]

Virginiaca Hastings: Micheal Jackson. He’s still with us. He’s still with us.

[The stepdaughter also lowers her head in respest of the death of Micheal Jackson.

Virginiaca Hastings: So how much for this sharofsky crystals skirt?

Salesman: $2,400.

Virginiaca Hastings: UmmHumm! OK I see. Baby want don’t you run down to the lady Footlocker and get yourself some footies? Mama’s got a do a little bargerain.

Stepdaughter: But Mama I don’t need no footies.

Virginiaca Hastings: HUSH UP GIRL AND GET ON OUT OF HERE!

Salesman: Oh I will take that.

[The salesman leans over and take the skirt from the stepdaughter. Virginiaca Hastings pushes the stepdaughter out of the store.]

Virginiaca Hastings: UH OH! Did you hear that?

[Virginiaca Hastings puts down her bags and purse on a near by table]

Virginiaca Hastings: That was the sounds of my spanks splitting up the back end.

[Virginiaca Hastings stands to slowly dance towards the Salesman]

Virginiaca Hastings: OH! And did you hear THAT!

Salesman: (with a confused look) No.

Virginiaca Hastings: Well that was the sound of my G-String movin out the way. Look what you do to me. Oh now look at this!

[Virginiaca Hastings pushes everything off the table and then climbs on top. She gets on all fours on top of the table]

Virginiaca Hastings: Now I want you to image this.. bottom less and top less with just a belt on.

Salesman: Here Here you can have it. Just take it and go.

[Salesman hands over the skirt over to Virginiaca Hastings with a discusted look on his face]

Virginiaca Hastings: Are you sure? You good? Cause I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up.

[fades to black]

Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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