Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
Skirt Shopping
Stepdaughter…..Blake Lively
Salesman…..Will Forte
Virginiaca Hastings…..Kenan Thompson
Woman 1…..Abby Elliott
[Scene opens with shot from outside a New York Shopping Store. Up Beat music is playing.]
[Camera cuts to inside a high class clothes store.]
[The Stepdaughter is holding different types of skits to her waist to see if they look good]
[Stepdaughter is wearing a type of swimsuit with a pink coat]
Salesman: Ah? Can i help you? (In a confused toned)
Stepdaughter: How much this skirt be?
Salesman: Well Its Prada and Im almost certain its out of your price range.
Stepdaughter: Uh eh! You need to drop that attitude Im in no kind of mood for that. I need my Mama.
[The Stepdaughter throws the skirt back on the table and walk towards the store entrance]
Stepdaughter: MAMA! WHERE YOU IS GIRL?
[The stepdaughters mother Virginiaca Hastings comes rushing into the store out of breath and her arms are full of different store bags.]
Virginiaca Hastings: OH! OH! OH! WOAH! OH my godness! So many bags. I am overheating. What yall got to eat all up in here? Cause girl im about to take a paper towell to my under boobies.
Stepdaughter: Thats so Stope! So anyway Mama, Where have you been?
Virginiaca Hastings: I was just getting some gadiver samples you know.
Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me can you hold this bag for a second please?
[Virginiaca Hastings hands a shopping bag to a mannequin. Virginiaca Hastings releases the bag from her hand and it falls to the ground. ]
Virginiaca Hastings: (very insulted) Ah! Eh! What! Eh! Well excuse me? Its like that?You are just going to ignore me?
[The stepdaughter climbs up on the pedestal to be the same height as the headless mannequin]
Stepdaughter: OH NO Uh uh! Thats my mama OK! There is no need to be ignorant.
Virginiaca Hastings: You dont gots to be ignorant.
[The stepdaughter stops talking and looks at her stepmother with a smile on her face]
Stepdaughter: Oh! oh! Snap Mama. Thats a mannequin.
Virginiaca Hastings: OH! Girl you right. That IS a mannequin. Aint got no head. HAHA! No we didnt. We though you were a human.
Stepdaughter: You are very well lucky yous a mannequins. Cause I was about to say something… has got… to be dissed.
Virginiaca Hastings: Umm Humm! Come down here baby. Get some of these cattle chips.
[Virginiaca Hastings opens her very large purse. The stepdaughter reaches in and grabs some potato chips.]
Stepdaughter: Oh mama. Those chips are all kinds of tangy.
Virginiaca Hastings: THERE HAWAIIN STYLE!
Salesman: Oh Im sorry you cant eat in here.
Virginiaca Hastings: Excuse me? I can do whatever i want. If i wanted to i could buy all this merchandise and use it as a Sham-Wow. Perhaps you heard of my husband? Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings. Which would make me Miss (sluring words) Hastings! Tadao!
[Virginiaca Hastings shows the salesman her left hand to prove her marriage to Mister Cedric Earlsworth Hastings]
Virginiaca Hastings: but you can call me Virginiaca.
Salesman: Uh thats ok. I will call you Mrs Hastings.
Virginiaca Hastings: Whats that? Did you say you wanted to see my breasts and pasties?
[Virginiaca Hastings walks towards the salesman]
Salesman: (in disgust) WHAT?
Virginiaca Hastings: Ok!
Salesman: NO!
Virginiaca Hastings: When?
Salesman: What?
Virginiaca Hastings: You nasty!
Stepdaughter: This my moms. You better stop trying to up into her goody snack.
Salesman: This is your mother?
Virginiaca Hastings: Well by marriage not vagina.
Salesman: I see. Charming. I will be over here.
[The Salesman walks away. The stepdaughter runs towards a Woman 1 who is looking a skirt. It seems that the stepdaughter has her eye set on the same skirt the Woman 1 is looking at.]
Stepdaughter: Oh mama look at this!
[The stepdaughter pulls the skirt from the Woman 1s hands and puts it up against herself to show her mother how she looks in it.]
Woman 1: EXCUSE ME!
Stepdaughter: Youre excused.
Virginiaca Hastings: OH girl, hold that up to you. Oooo that would be perfect for your booty rounds and rounds.
[Virginiaca Hastings starts to sing while the Stepdaughter starts to dance provocatively]
Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.
Stepdaughter: Say What?
Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and rounds. Booty go rounds and rounds.
Stepdaughter: Say What?
Virginiaca Hastings: (sings) Booty go rounds and Booty go round and Booty go round and round.
[Stepdaughter stops dancing]
Virginiaca Hastings: Yeah thats my baby
[The salesman comes back to the stepdaughter and Virginiaca Hastings]
Salesman: Please be carefull with that skirt. Its trimed with sharofsky crystals.
[Virginiaca Hastings starts to mumble with an insulted look on her face]
Stepdaughter: Moma! He dont want me to go do my booty go rounds and rounds
Virginiaca Hastings: What you mean about my baby cant do her booty go round and round?
Stepdaughter: You lucky my Popa aint up in here.
Virginiaca Hastings: Yes you are lucky. See Mr. Hastings is at home with his irratable bowle. I pass by the bathroom and had to use a whole bottle of Fabreze cause I couldnt Fabreath.
Stepdaughter: Like the song Thriller says The funk of 40 000 years
[Virginiaca Hastings lowers her head in respect of the death of Micheal Jackson]
Virginiaca Hastings: Micheal Jackson. Hes still with us. Hes still with us.
[The stepdaughter also lowers her head in respest of the death of Micheal Jackson.
Virginiaca Hastings: So how much for this sharofsky crystals skirt?
Salesman: $2,400.
Virginiaca Hastings: UmmHumm! OK I see. Baby want dont you run down to the lady Footlocker and get yourself some footies? Mamas got a do a little bargerain.
Stepdaughter: But Mama I dont need no footies.
Virginiaca Hastings: HUSH UP GIRL AND GET ON OUT OF HERE!
Salesman: Oh I will take that.
[The salesman leans over and take the skirt from the stepdaughter. Virginiaca Hastings pushes the stepdaughter out of the store.]
Virginiaca Hastings: UH OH! Did you hear that?
[Virginiaca Hastings puts down her bags and purse on a near by table]
Virginiaca Hastings: That was the sounds of my spanks splitting up the back end.
[Virginiaca Hastings stands to slowly dance towards the Salesman]
Virginiaca Hastings: OH! And did you hear THAT!
Salesman: (with a confused look) No.
Virginiaca Hastings: Well that was the sound of my G-String movin out the way. Look what you do to me. Oh now look at this!
[Virginiaca Hastings pushes everything off the table and then climbs on top. She gets on all fours on top of the table]
Virginiaca Hastings: Now I want you to image this.. bottom less and top less with just a belt on.
Salesman: Here Here you can have it. Just take it and go.
[Salesman hands over the skirt over to Virginiaca Hastings with a discusted look on his face]
Virginiaca Hastings: Are you sure? You good? Cause I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up. I can back it up.
[fades to black]
Submitted by: Jubei Guy Kibagami