Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
Andy Azula…..Bill Hader
[ open on UPS logo ]
[ dissolve to drawing of the word “UPS”, as Andy Azula enters frame ]
Andy Azula: Alright, you have to admit: these ads, which were so strange to you at first, are starting to become a part of your daily routine — like your morning cup of coffee!
[ he contorts the “U” into a coffee cup ]
Or a, uh — or a stick figure.
[ he contorts the “P” into a stick figure ]
Or a — [ he taps his marker in frustration ] I don’t know, a snake. Don’t worry, we won’t stop making them. In fact, we’ll make — ] he draws a “1-0-0-0” ] ONE-THOUSAND of them! Which makes me — [ he contorts the “1” into a king ] King of the Ads. And you — [ he contorts the “0”s into stick figures ] my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: everyone wears a lady wig. [ he draws long hair on the stick figures ] Mmm. Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies! I’m gonna have sex with them! [ he adds a line to the bottom half of his stick figure ]
[ dissolve to slogan: “WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?” ]
[ UPS ]
[ fade ]