Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 8
The Situation Room
Wolf Blitzer…..Jason Sudeikis
Tiger Woods…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on program graphics ] [ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer on set ]
Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to the Situation Room. BIG development in the Tiger Woods drama. First, the mystery exit at his Florida home. Then, the acknowledgement of some personal failings on his web site. And now, finally, Woods addresses the media, in person, outside his home. [ mumbling ] Let’s go there, live.[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media ]
Tiger Woods: I, uh — I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. Look, I’m not perfect — I’m, uh, far short from perfect.
Elin Nordegren: Ya!
Tiger Woods: Uh — I will strive to be a better person, and, uh, the father my family deserves.
Elin Nordegren: Ya, you vill!
Tiger Woods: For all of those, uh, who have supported me over the years, I offer my profund apology for the multiple transgressions.
Elin Nordegren: “Multiple”? So, it happened more than vonce?
Tiger Woods: [ realizes his error ] Did — did I say multiple? Because —[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ] [ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: This just in, Tiger Woods is BACK in the hospital. Apparently, just HOURS after a press conference, where he confessed to MULTIPLE transgressions. Woods had an accident in his home, where he fell down a flight of stairs, then inadvertently threw himself through a plate glass window. Woods has JUST been released, and he is about to give a statement to the press. [ mumbling ] Let’s go there, live!
Tiger Woods: Wow, uh — wow! I’ve, uh, been really clumsy this week! So, uh, right after that LAST press conference, I was, uh, in my home, having a chat with my lovely… deceptively strong wife, Elin, when I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I fell down the stairs! I was, uh, disoriented from the fall, so I stumbled to the other side of our house, and I — I LAUNCHED myself through a plate glass window!
Elin Nordegren: [ smiling happily ] Ya! This is vhat happened!
Tiger Woods: I’m just lucky my wife, Elin, was there to courageously call 911. I am so GLAD to have her! I love her so much! There is no other woman for me.[ suddenly, his cellphone rings ]
Elin Nordegren: Who’s that?
Tiger Woods: Huh? What?[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ] [ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: Tiger Woods, BACK in the hospital after being ACCIDENTALLY hit by his OWN car! An INCREDIBLE development in an AMAZING story! Just a BAD week, for the world’s GREATEST golfer! Questions linger. HOW… did this… happen? WE go now, LIVE [ he mumbles incoherently ] [ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods now has a tire skid mark across his chest, as his wife holds a golf club over her shoulder ]
Tiger Woods: [ nervously ] Oh, boy! Talk about a case of the Mondays! [ he and his wife laugh ] You know, this is all my fault! Uh — believe it or not, I actaully ran over myself! Uh — luckily, my POWERFUL… Nordic-blooded wife, was in the passenger seat. The passenger seat. She jumped in the driver’s seat to put on the brakes and RESCUE me! [ he turns to Elin ] Is that right?
Elin Nordegren: Ya, that works.
Tiger Woods: I just want to say that this is not Cadillac’s fault. They’re a fine company. I guess one good thing about this is that I can get rid of this old thing, and get a NEW model! [ he laughs nervously ] [ Elin catches his meaning, and shoots a dirty look ]
Tiger Woods: I-I didn’t mean…[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ] [ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: Well, you guessed it: Tiger Woods BACK in the hospital! Let’s check in with the perpetually unlucky golfer once again [ mumbling ] Ouuuutsiiide hiiiiss Florrrridaaaa hooooome![ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods now has a gold club bent over his head. ]
Tiger Woods: Uh — uh — seems like I keep saying the wrong thing in these press conferences. [ he laughs ] So, uh, this time I have a prepared written statement, which I shall stick to. [ he lifts up a paper, with the words “HELP ME” scrawled on the back side ] Uh — “Earlier today, I had an unfortunate incident with my golf clubs.” [ he flips the paper to revealed the words “I’M SCARED” scrawled on the back side ] “I was putting them away in the closet, and one of them dropped on top of me.” [ he flips the paper to revealed the words SHE IS SO STRONG” scrawled on the back side ] “Luckily, my wife, Elin, was there to hand me the phone so I could call the paramedics.”[ suddenly, Elin noticed the scrawlings on the papers ]
Elin Nordegren: Hey! Let me see those papers!
Tiger Woods: [ nervously ] What, these papers?
Elin Nordegren: Ya![ Woods throws the papers at her and makes a run for it ] [ return to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: There you have it. An apologetic and terrified Tiger Woods. Coming up next: Which of these pets may be a household hazard? [ image of a cat, dog, and bear ] Here, on CNN![ cut to show graphic ] [ fade ]