Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 9
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
December 12th, 2009
Taylor Lautner
Bon Jovi
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The Other Affairs
Summary: Governor Mark Sanford (Jason Sudeikis), Sen. John Ensign (Bill Hader), and former senator John Edwards (Will Forte) are annoyed that Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs have superseded their own in the eyes of the media.
Recurring Characters: John Edwards.
Transcript
Montage
Taylor Lautner’s Monologue
Summary: Taylor Lautner defends girlfriend Taylor Swift’s honor by beating up a cardboard cutout of Kanye West.
Recurring Characters: Reba McEntire.
Transcript
Rose Bowl Promo
Summary: Backup backup quarterback Phil Pomeroy (Taylor Lautner) is a bundle of nerves while trying to pose for the camera during a Rose Bowl promo.
Surprise
Summary: Alex (Taylor Lautner) and Ashley (Abby Elliott) want to surprise her parents (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) with news of their pregnancy, but can Aunt Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise?
Recurring Characters: Sue.
PGA Tour I
Summary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) struggles to make his organization relevent following Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf.
Transcript
Show Choir Assembly
Summary: Student heckler (Andy Samberg) ruins a forced performance by the Northeast Middle School’s Sparkle Players (Abby Elliott, Kenan Thompson, Taylor Lautner, Jenny Slate).
Transcript
PGA Tour II
Summary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) tries to apply desperate quick-fix solutions like sexy caddies in the wake of Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf.
Transcript
Bon Jovi performs “Superman Tonight”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Tiger Woods’ Mistress Number 15 (Nasim Pedrad) justifies her participation in his infidelity streak. Native American comedian Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) goes over the heads of the audience with his cultural references.
Recurring Characters: Billy Smith.
Transcript
Twilight Debate
Summary: Science teacher (Bill Hader) makes Mariana (Taylor Lautner) and Ellie (Abby Elliott) settle their “Twilight” differences once and for all, in the battle between Team Edward and Team Jacob.
Transcript
PGA Tour III
Summary: A drunken PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) is on suicide watch now that there’s no golf superstars left.
Transcript
Eternal Spark of Love
Summary: (Kenan Thompson) monitors budding romance between (Taylor Lautner) and (Abby Elliott).
Bon Jovi performs “When We Were Beautiful”
Doorbells And More
Summary: Tina Tina Cheneuse (Jenny Slate) displays a variety of talking doorbells.
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Mani-manimalSummary: Student (Taylor Lautner) can’t stop morphing into other animals after being bitten by radioactive animals.
Dad ZoneSummary: Celebrity dads discuss how they want to raise their famous children.
VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Taylor Lautner) still greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses.
Recurring Characters: Vogelchecks.
Note: This sketch will air on the next episode hosted by James Franco.
Violent MonkeysSummary: Taylor Lautner is forces to act alongside violent monkeys.
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