SNL Transcripts: Taylor Lautner: 12/12/09: The Other Affairs


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

The Other Affairs

Gov. Mark Sanford…..Jason Sudeikis
Sen. John Ensign…..Bill Hader
John Edwards…..Will Forte

Announcer: [ over C-SPAN title card ] Next on C-Span, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, Senator John Ensign of Nevada, and former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina held a press conference earlier today to criticize the news media’s excessive coverage of golfer Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs.

[ dissolve to the three men standing jointly behind a podium ]

Gov. Mark Sanford: Good afternoon. I’m South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. With me is Senator John Ensign of Nevada —

Sen. John Ensign: Hello.

Gov. Mark Sanford: And our good friend, former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina.

John Edwards: Hi!

Gov. Mark Sanford: The three of us are here today because there’s something very wrong going on in this country, and we can no longer keep silent about it. Over the last two weeks, our national media has engaged in an ORGY of coverage of professional golfer Tiger Woods and his alleged extramarital affairs. The coverage has been excessive, it has been lurid, and it has completely overshadowed coverage of OUR extramarital affairs.

Sen. John Ensign: Like Tiger Woods, we have broken our marriage vows. But, in addition, as officeholders, we have also violated the public’s trust. That’s a pretty big deal. Yet it seems the media couldn’t care less.

Gov. Mark Sanford: With us, there’s been practically no coverage. It is a clear double standard!

Sen. John Ensign: Where’s the outrage? We’re still in office!

John Edwards: Mmm-hmm. I had a love child.

Gov. Mark Sanford: It’s not as though our affairs weren’t messy. I mean, for example: When I went to visit my girlfriend, I had a really preposterous cover story about hiking the Appalachian Trail. Tiger didn’t even bother to think of one!

Sen. John Ensign: Unlike Tiger’s girlfriends, my girlfriend was married! That’s pretty bad!

John Edwards: Again: I had a LOVE CHILD!

Gov. Mark Sanford: But the press barely covers us! My wife just filed for divorce! Try finding that in the papers!

Sen. John Ensign: I paid hush money to my ex-girlfriend’s husband.

John Edwards: Eh-excuse me, maybe I wasn’t clear… but I had a love child! An illegitimate, out of wedlock, parents not married, baby bastard love child! I mean, don’t you people care? God almighty!

Sen. John Ensign: Now, the media will say, “But Tiger had a HUGE number of girlfriends — twelve or fifteen or whatever — while each us had only one.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. That you KNOW of.

John Edwards: Bingo!

Sen. John Ensign: Exactly. The evidence of our other affairs is out there if the media would bother to look!

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. Now, why this clear double-standard? Is it perhaps racial? The fact that we’re white men and Tiger Woods is — I guess, um — Black, Asian, Polynesian, Cherokee?

John Edwards: Isn’t he Puerto Rican?

Sen. John Ensign: I thought Dominican.

Gov. Mark Sanford: No, no, he’s not Dominican. You’re thinking of A-Rod.

John Edwards: Oh, A-Rod is DEFINITELY Puerto Rican!

Sen. John Ensign: I do believe you’re mistaken.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Well, in any event, we pray this isn’t about race. Our nation has seen too much of that.

Sen. John Ensign: If I may, let me make a point here. Many of Tiger’s girlfriends were meaningless one night stands. He barely spent any time with them. Certainly not enough to affect his work, unlike us.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Yeah, that’s right! My girlfriend lived in Argentina! And I was down there ALL the time! And that is a LONG way from South Carolina! No wonder my state is a fiscal disaster! The fact that it took the media so long to notice really says something about their priorities.

John Edwards: Apparently, ONE love child isn’t interesting enough. You know? I guess it has to be triplets!

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. All right, well, I can see that only one reporter actually showed up to this press conference, and he now appears to be wandering away.

Sen. John Ensign: Which in itself says a great deal about the point we’re making here today.

Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Sen. John Ensign: So, John, do you have anything to add?

John Edwards: Well, just this: There’s a sex tape of me and my girlfriend with a non-sex cameo by our love child! Not that you would know it from The New York Times!

Gov. Mark Sanford: Unbelievable. Anyway, they’re signaling to us that they need the room. So we’ll just close here by saying today, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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