Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 9
09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi
Show Choir Assembly
[A sign is shown outside of a school stating that the North East Middle School is having a show choir assembly.]
[The auditorium of the school is shown. The principal is on stage trying to quiet booing students while four embarrassed performers clad in green and red stand up on stage.]
Principal: OK, settle down people! Everyone needs to calm down! People! I have to say, in all my years as a principal, [he watches a paper airplane fly by] I have never seen such an immature outburst. Okay? The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir has worked extremely hard on their Christmas show, “Jingle Jingle Jam,” to put you all in the holiday spirit, and you people are acting like a bunch of animals! And I can promise that Dana, Rachel, Joyce, and Meekash do not appreciate that. Okay? Now, I know all of them want to finish this show.
[The four shy and embarrassed performers disagree with their principal’s assumption.]
Principal: Nooo, we are going to let the Sparkle players finish their “Jingle Jam,” and you are all going to pay attention whether you like it or not.
[The audience groans in disapproval.]
Principal: Yeah! Yeah! Now, without further ado, let’s welcome again the North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir!
[The four performers awkwardly start their number.]
All four performers: [to the tune of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”] We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a funky new year!
Trevor: Shut up!
[The four performers start to dance.]
All four performers: [singing] Well, we’re rapping out lyrics, we’re rapping out lines, we’re rapping out presents at Christmas time.
Dana: [singing] We’ve got Meekash on the scissors –
Joyce: [singing] – and Dana on the bow! –
Rachel: [singing] – now all that we’re missing are the –
All four performers: [singing] – ho, ho, ho’s!
[Joyce goes to grab a microphone and comes back. The audience is booing the whole time.]
Joyce: [singing] When I say Christmas, you say rap! Christmas –
Joyce: [singing] – Christmas!
Trevor: This sucks!
[Dana, Rachel, and Meekash continue to dance awkwardly. Meekash then begins to separate himself from the group and dance in a funny manner.]
Dana and Rachel: [singing] Go Meekash! Go Meekash!
[Joyce enters the picture and cheers Meekash on as well.]
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: Go Meekash!
[The three continue to dance awkwardly in the background as Meekash’s begins his number.]
Meekash: [singing in a heavy foreign accent] Sinter Claus get down! Sinter Claus get down! Get down my chimney- [a basketball is thrown and it hits Mikash in the stomach] – ow! Yeah!
Trevor: It’s Santa Claus!
[The principal comes back up on stage.]
Principal: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Who threw that? Get up here right now!
[The kid in the audience causing the trouble comes up on stage with a goofy grin on his face.]
Principal: Now, Trevor, I- I- I- don’t know what you think is so funny, but no one is leaving this entire show until this entire show is finished. Okay? So let’s just get all of those laughs out right now. [sarcastically] Ha ha ha ha, Meekash has a weird accent. [Trevor laughs along.] [sarcastically] Yeah! Ha ha ha ha, and he said- he said- “Sinter Claus” instead of “Santa Claus.”
Trevor: Ha ha, Sinter Claus! Yeah! [He gestures towards his buddies in the audience.]
Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha. Dana has a girl’s name, even though he’s a boy.
[Dana has a rather disgusted look on his face.]
Trevor: Ha ha ha!
Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha ha, yeah. That’s hilarious. Their show is bad. Ha ha ha.
Trevor: Ha ha ha! Yeah!
Principal: Ha ha, yeah, ha ha. Great, it’s all out. Now you sit down.
Trevor: Right! [He makes the shaka sign, sticking out the thumb and pinky on both hands, as he goes to sit down.]
Principal: Alright, let’s get on with the show. Sparkle players, take it away.
Dana: Do we have to?!
[Rachel leaves the stage as rock music begins to play.]
Joyce, Dana, and Meekash: [singing] Shabba labba do wop, shalom shalom. Well, It’s a rock and roll Hanukkah, rock and roll Hanukkah, gonna rock it out for eight days and nights. A rock and roll Hanukkah, rock and roll Hanukkah, spin that dradle and light the lights.
Dana: Take it away, Haunkkah Elvis!
[Rachel enters with an Elvis wig and white jacket.]
Rachel: [singing in an Elvis accent to the tune of “All Shook Up.”] Uh huh, huuuhhhh, Hanukkah Elvis!
Trevor: This is gay!
[The principal comes back yet again.]
Principal: Okay, okay, Trevor, get up here right now. Get up here.
[Trevor hops back up on stage with a huge grin on his face. He’s gesturing happily to his buddies in the audience.]
Principal: [He brings Rachel/Elvis forward.] Okay. [to Trevor] Now, I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elvis’s face.
Rachel: No, Stu, that’s okay.
Principal: No, it’s not okay. [to Trevor] Repeat what you just said.
Trevor: [clears throat] THIS IS GAY!!! [He sticks his tongue out and makes the shaka sign again. Rachel is hurt by these words.]
Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha. [to Rachel] Okay, okay, Rachel, are you gay?
Principal: Okay. Joyce, are you gay?
Joyce: [shaking her head sadly] No.
Principal: Okay. Meekash, are you gay?
Principal: Okay, wait. Meekash, you think gay means happy?
Principal: So you’re happy?
Principal: Okay, then why did you just say ‘yes’?
Meekash: Umm…because I got nervous.
Principal: Okay. [Stammering] L-l-look, let’s just get through this, okay?
[Trevor jumps towards Rachel, who is frightened. Trevor hops off stage.]
Principal: Oh, and guess what? Everyone is getting detention. Yeah! Ha ha! [The audience boos.] Everyone! Yeah!
Trevor: I’m going to kill you Meekash!
Principal: Oh! Trevor, you get back up here! Get back up here.
[Trevor hops up on stage again with the same goofy grin he had on his face before.]
Principal: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what, bud? You’re staying up here for the rest of the show.
Meekash: Oh please, nooo!
Principal: [to the performers] And continue.
[Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” starts playing as Meekash goes off stage.]
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing and dancing with the tune, while Trevor stands behind next to them and mocks them.] Do do, do do, do do.
[Meekash emerges with a Michael Jackson-esque top hat, and he is wearing a silver glove. He flings the hat aside.]
Trevor: Oh my God!
[Meekash is dancing like Michael Jackson.]
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing] Santa Claus is not my lover –
Trevor: [laughing] Yes!!
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing] He’s just a guy who brings me presents and joy.
[In the background, Trevor continues to laugh at Meekash, while gesturing to his buddies in the crowd.]
Meekash: [singing in his heavy accent] And to all the girls and boys.
Trevor: You’re a girl! [He laughs some more.] Oh man.
[The audience continues to boo as Meekash takes his place next to the other three performers. Dana steps forward for his number, as the lights dim and Meekash goes off stage again.]
Dana: [singing to the tune of “O Holy Night”] O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining –
Trevor: [impressed] Wooo! [claps]
Dana: [continuing singing] – this is the night of our dear Savior’s birth –
Trevor: Go Dana! Yeah! [The audience makes their approval known.]
Joyce: They love us!
Dana: [continuing singing] – fall on your knees and doooo [the music picks up] do do do the Meekash shuffle!
[Meekash slides in on his knees. He is wearing a do rag and a clock around his neck a la Flava Flav.]
[Meekash begins to rap.]
Meekash: My name is Meekash, and I’m here to say, my man Sinter Claus makes me feel gay.
Trevor: No! No!
Meekash: I mean, I mean happy.
[The audience begins throwing paper at the stage as the principal gets re-enters the picture.]
Principal: No, people! Come on!
Trevor: No way, man!
[Fade out as someone throws a backpack on the stage and the principal wondering why it was thrown.]
Submitted by: Matt W.