SNL Transcripts: Taylor Lautner: 12/12/09: Doorbells And More



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9










09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Doorbells And More

Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan
Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad
Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Abby…..Abby Elliott
Taylor…..Taylor Lautner

[ Bobby steps up to Nasim’s door and rings the ordinary doorbell ] [ doorbell rings ]

Bobby: Nice doorbell. [ he walks off ]

Nasim: [ opens door ] Oh, no! Come back! [ to camera ] I hate my doorbell!

[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Has this ever happened to you? You lost a friend ’cause you got a boring doorbell? Hi, hello! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse. Do you enjoy a fly, fancy lifestyle? Then, why is your doorbell so vanilla? Come on down to Doorbells And More.

[ she steps in front of a wall display of fancy doorbells ]

Okay, here’s what a regular doorbell sounds like.

[ she presses a button on the doorbell, emitting the customary ding-dong ]

No! I’m tired of that! You need a custom-made doorbell that speaks to you — like this. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Holl-o! You got a new doorbell!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yes, that is my voice. Why should it not be? This is my idea. At Doorbells And More, we got all, every kind of doorbells. Happy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Come inside my house! Hall-o!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Funny doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Knock, knock! Who’s there? Doorbell! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: International doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Bonjour! Ooh la la! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: I can even do fancy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Hello! Wine and cheese! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or doorbells for special occasions: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! I’m getting married today! Hall-o!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you an individual? Guess what? I know, we got a doorbell for every person. Just come up and ask me.

[ Bobby steps forward ]

Bobby; I bet you don’t have a doorbell for somebody who likes cars!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. Here it is. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Honk, honk! Your doorbell! Ding dong! Car!

Bobby; You did it.

[ Fred steps forward ]

Fred; What about me? I like computers.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Check this out. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Router! Netflix! What?

Fred; Good.

[ Abby steps forward ]

Abby; What about me? I like animals!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Wolf! Bears!

Abby; Fine!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And hall-o, it’s Christmas! Why not try a holiday doorbell, like this: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Jingle bell, jingle bell! Answer your door!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you religious? [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Happy birthday, Jesus!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or if you’re Jewish: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Hanukkah house!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And what about when it’s time for your holiday visitors to leave? [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Good-bye. I need to read my magazines.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Not unique enough? Be quiet! Let’s listen to a testimonial from some person.

[ Taylor steps forward, unenthused ]

Taylor; Tina Tina made these doorbells.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: That’s all you got to say? Oh, no. I baby sat you for ten years, and this is what you do? [ he exits ] Oh, my Goooood. [ she faces the camera ] So, come on down to Doorbells And More, and get the fantasy doorbell of your dreams. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Bing boom! Okay! Hey, hey! What?

Tina Tina Cheneuse: That’s a good one! Bye, bye!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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