SNL Transcripts: Taylor Lautner: 12/12/09: Taylor Lautner’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Taylor Lautner’s Monologue

…..Taylor Lautner
Reba McIntire…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Kanye West…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Taylor Lautner!

Taylor Lautner: Thank you! Thank you, guys. [ he laughs ] Thank you so much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I, uh, remember when “SNL” first started. I was -18 at the time. And I said to the other babies in heaven, “Just you wait — one day, I’m going to host that show.” And they said, “Wow! You’re going to be a comedian?” And I said, “No — I’m going to be a werewolf.”

It’s been a really big year for me. I was in a movie called “New Moon” [ the audience cheers ] I also took my shirt off a lot. [ the sycophantic teenage girls in the audience yell “Whoo-oo!” ] Too much, in fact. Even Matthew McConaughey told me to cool it. You know, we got a problem.

Now, before we start the show, there’s a lot of rumors out there about me being romantically linked to a certain country singer? And I wanted to take a moment to address that: Reba and I are just friends.

[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving Lautner a nod and a wink ]

Taylor Lautner: With benefits, of course! [ he laughs ] I’ve also become close with a singer named Taylor Swift. [ the audience screams ] You know, I was actually at the VMAs the night she won the award for Best Video, when Kanye West interrupted her speech. I was actually up on stage with her when that happened, and, as you can see, I really stood up for her.

[ cut to the tape, Kanye West on stage with a shell-shocked Taylor Swift ]

Kanye West: Yo, Taylor! I’m really happy for you, I’m going to let you finish — but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL time!

[ arrows point at Lautner in the background, nonchalantly keeping his eyes turned from the disruption ] [ return to the monologue ]

Taylor Lautner: I know. I mean, I guess I could have done a little more. But what I really wanted to do that night… was this.

[ Lautner removes his jacket and stands between two mannequins with faces to look like Kanye West and Taylor Swift ] [ Lautner backflips in the style of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, then takes a step toward Taylor Swift mannequin ]

Taylor Lautner: Taylor! What seems to be the problem here?

Voice of Taylor Swift: That man was MEAN to me!

Taylor Lautner: Stand aside, honey — I’ll handle this.

[ Lautner crosses over to the Kanye West mannequin ]

Taylor Lautner: Hey! I said, hey! That’s right, I’m talking to you! Not so tough now, are you, Kanye West? It just so happens… you messed with the wrong Taylors.

Voice of Kanye West: Oh, really?

Taylor Lautner: Really. [ he strikes a few karate poses, does a handstand and another backflip ] Bow staff!

[ a bow staff is tossed to Lautner, as he begins to twirl it in a menacing manner before tossing it offstage ]

Voice of Kanye West: Uh-oh!

[ Lautner strikes a few more karate poses, then makes two attempts to jump-kick Kanye West in the head. Failing that, he settles for simply smacking his head off with his fist. ]

Taylor Lautner: I’m real sorry! I’m sorry, Kanye. I didn’t mean to knock your head off there.

[ Lautner replaces Kanye West’s head on the mannequin ]

Voice of Kanye West: Thank you for putting my head back on. I apologize to you and this lovely young lady.

Taylor Lautner: Thank you. I, uh — I accept your apology.

[ Lautner steps back toward the Taylor Swift mannequin ]

Voice of Taylor Swift: You are the bravest man I’ve ever known!

Taylor Lautner: Thank you. [ he leans in to kiss Swift, then stops himself ] I’m sorry! I can’t! My heart belongs to someone else.

[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving another nod of approval to Lautner ]

Taylor Lautner: [ flirting ] Hey, Reba. [ he blows her a kiss, then returns to center stage ] Thank you, guys! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bon jovi is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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