SNL Transcripts: Taylor Lautner: 12/12/09: Taylor Lautner’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Taylor Lautner’s Monologue

…..Taylor Lautner
Reba McIntire…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Kanye West…..Kenan Thompson
Voice of Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Taylor Lautner!

Taylor Lautner: Thank you! Thank you, guys. [ he laughs ] Thank you so much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I, uh, remember when “SNL” first started. I was -18 at the time. And I said to the other babies in heaven, “Just you wait — one day, I’m going to host that show.” And they said, “Wow! You’re going to be a comedian?” And I said, “No — I’m going to be a werewolf.”

It’s been a really big year for me. I was in a movie called “New Moon” [ the audience cheers ] I also took my shirt off a lot. [ the sycophantic teenage girls in the audience yell “Whoo-oo!” ] Too much, in fact. Even Matthew McConaughey told me to cool it. You know, we got a problem.

Now, before we start the show, there’s a lot of rumors out there about me being romantically linked to a certain country singer? And I wanted to take a moment to address that: Reba and I are just friends.

[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving Lautner a nod and a wink ]

Taylor Lautner: With benefits, of course! [ he laughs ] I’ve also become close with a singer named Taylor Swift. [ the audience screams ] You know, I was actually at the VMAs the night she won the award for Best Video, when Kanye West interrupted her speech. I was actually up on stage with her when that happened, and, as you can see, I really stood up for her.

[ cut to the tape, Kanye West on stage with a shell-shocked Taylor Swift ]

Kanye West: Yo, Taylor! I’m really happy for you, I’m going to let you finish — but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL time!

[ arrows point at Lautner in the background, nonchalantly keeping his eyes turned from the disruption ] [ return to the monologue ]

Taylor Lautner: I know. I mean, I guess I could have done a little more. But what I really wanted to do that night… was this.

[ Lautner removes his jacket and stands between two mannequins with faces to look like Kanye West and Taylor Swift ] [ Lautner backflips in the style of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, then takes a step toward Taylor Swift mannequin ]

Taylor Lautner: Taylor! What seems to be the problem here?

Voice of Taylor Swift: That man was MEAN to me!

Taylor Lautner: Stand aside, honey — I’ll handle this.

[ Lautner crosses over to the Kanye West mannequin ]

Taylor Lautner: Hey! I said, hey! That’s right, I’m talking to you! Not so tough now, are you, Kanye West? It just so happens… you messed with the wrong Taylors.

Voice of Kanye West: Oh, really?

Taylor Lautner: Really. [ he strikes a few karate poses, does a handstand and another backflip ] Bow staff!

[ a bow staff is tossed to Lautner, as he begins to twirl it in a menacing manner before tossing it offstage ]

Voice of Kanye West: Uh-oh!

[ Lautner strikes a few more karate poses, then makes two attempts to jump-kick Kanye West in the head. Failing that, he settles for simply smacking his head off with his fist. ]

Taylor Lautner: I’m real sorry! I’m sorry, Kanye. I didn’t mean to knock your head off there.

[ Lautner replaces Kanye West’s head on the mannequin ]

Voice of Kanye West: Thank you for putting my head back on. I apologize to you and this lovely young lady.

Taylor Lautner: Thank you. I, uh — I accept your apology.

[ Lautner steps back toward the Taylor Swift mannequin ]

Voice of Taylor Swift: You are the bravest man I’ve ever known!

Taylor Lautner: Thank you. [ he leans in to kiss Swift, then stops himself ] I’m sorry! I can’t! My heart belongs to someone else.

[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving another nod of approval to Lautner ]

Taylor Lautner: [ flirting ] Hey, Reba. [ he blows her a kiss, then returns to center stage ] Thank you, guys! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bon jovi is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

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