Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 35: Episode 9
PGA Tour II
Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis
[ open on PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: And now, another message from the PGA Tour.
[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, sans jacket, seated at booth ]
Tim Finchem: Hey, Tim Finchem, Commissioner. First of all, I really want to thank our new sponsors uh — the Madoff Investment Group… Major League Soccer… a-and the movie “Old Dogs”. We’re really happy to have you guys on the PGA team.
Uh, you know, without Tiger, some say the PGA Tour lacks diversity. And that’s not — that’s not true! I mean, we’ve still got plenty of diversity! Like Vijay Singh… uh… or Miguel Angel Jimenez. Right? I mean, those guys aren’t gonna cheat on anyone! And you know what? We — we — we even, uh, have an, uh, African golfer! Nick Price! He’s from Zimbabwe, and that counts! That counts! Alright? And, hey — tiger Woods was half Asian, okay? You know what? How about a FULL Asian? Like Shigeki Maruyama… or Y.E. Yang? Huh? Yeah, more like Y-E-S! [ he laughs ] Yeah! And, you know, we’re also working on finding the second best black golfer! I mean, you know, there are currently none on the tour right now, or on the Minor League tour, but we’re planning to take a page from the hit movie “Blind Side” and, uh, you know, we’re just drive through the poor neighborhoods until we find a big guy walking through the rain! Just — I don’t know — swinging a stick or something. [ he starts to lose it ] Oh, gosh…
[ he reaches down for his flask and takes another huge swig ]
Tim Finchem: Whoo! Oh!! And new rules! We got a bunch of new rules! Okay? For example: if you hit a slice, you get hit by Kimbo Slice, the USC fighter. Not bad, right? And we’re gonna to have bigger and badder hazards… Oh! And whoever has the worst score has to appear on an episode of “Jersey Shore”. And, of course, we’re gonna have sexy caddies! [ he smiles, but then has second thoughts ] You know what? You know what, that might be a bad idea. Okay, forget the sexy caddies — no sexy caddies!
[ the executive returns to tear down the new sponsor cards ]
Tim Finchem: So, the point is, we’ll — we’ll be fine. We’re gonna be fine. The PGA Tour! I mean, what else are you gonna do? You know? Talk to your wife? I — [ he holds up his flask ][ return to PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour.
[ fade ]